It is 7:58 AM in Florida, where I am visiting my sister, but it is 5:58 AM in Arizona where my family is probably still sleeping. The sun is beginning to seep through the curtains illuminating my surroundings. It feels peaceful at this moment and I cannot help but smile.

I am alive, healthy, and blessed in a lot of ways. I am sitting at the dining table as my sister and her roommates continue to drift in dreamland. Here I sit typing away my thoughts into cyberspace while listening to a Korean song and thinking about time. How it goes by fast when you want it to slow down, and when it is slowing down you want to speed it up. Time, I have been thinking about my time in this life and on this earth. I have lived for 21 years know and as 2008 ended and 2009 began I though of all of those who cannot say that. Cannot say” I have lived for 21 years.”

It made me feel sad for all those lost lives, who did not see past their first day of life to those who have died fighting for their country. It makes me question why some live and some die, and some wish to die, while others wish to live. I am a person who believes that God exists, some call Him by different names, have different beliefs, and so on. But at the end of the day most of us believe in something, in some higher being/presence in our lives. Sometimes, I will sit in my bed asking God what my purpose is, what my life on this earth is supposed to mean, why was I created…..????

Some say we create that meaning in our lives, and others say we find that meaning. For me, I really have no clue, but I think most likely it is a mix of both. We are alive for a reason, we have stayed alive for a reason, and we are on this earth for a reason. Those who are able to find/create that reason consider yourself lucky. For some die without finding/creating it. As for me I am still discovering why I was born into this world on September 19, 1987. What is my purpose? How much time do I have to achieve it? To me that is the scariest thing, not knowing how much time I have, how much time my family has.

I think about that in those quiet moments of my life, and I know I will never know the answer till my time is up. I could die today, tomorrow…..but I am praying that God will give me time to live my life so that when I die I can go in peace to meet him. Not with regrets or sorrow for what I will be leaving behind. When I think about my time on this earth my thoughts head towards my mother, she has a hard live and my hope is that she lives and that I live long enough to show her that life is not always about sadness or broken promises. That there is joy and better days here for her to have.

Like most people, I wish to live a full life doing what I love with people I love around me. Even though my time is unknown on this earth, I do know that I need to enjoy it, we all need to enjoy our time on this earth. Even the small things matter. I guess that is why I love photos because even when that person you love is gone and your memory of them dims or fades away you have those glimpses of time to remember them and the time you shared with them.

I jut hope that when my time stops I have lived a life so that when those who continue in time think of me, a smile is always there.


~ by tsunamiblues on January 6, 2009.

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