Thoughts on 12/26/08

I have a lot of dreams, frustrations, fears, questions, worries, conflict ions, sadness, goals, wishes, and thoughts inside of me, My head says one thing and my heart another, while my soul is just in disarray. Everything around me seems to be changing but I feel like I am just an observer and not a participant.

Two of the three divas (myself and two friends that I have known for several years) are engaged and I am the third wheel, neither engaged nor attached. It is not that I want to be engaged, I mean I am only 21 years old, but I would like to be attached. Everyone around me seems to be pairing up and I am just that single surrounded my pairs. Everyone is getting hitched or finding love, but me…I am all alone with my many thoughts to keep me company.

How does a person know that this person is the one? I used to believe that there is only one person in this world for me, made more me by God himself, but sometimes I fear I won’t meet him. I fear that life and timing will not be on our side and we will find others that we might love but it won’t be the same as “the one.” Sometimes I feel like that is impossible, this world is so vast and so large that there can be many loves in a lifetime. Each one precious and different in what they teach us about ourselves and others. As I get older I think there are different kinds of love, and if I am fortunate to experience even one then I have been blessed.

But deep inside I am still that girl who hopes that God created one man to be with me in this life and that I was created to be with only this man in mine and his life. I believe that no matter how vast and complicated this world is we will find each other. I was watching a movie today called “The curious case of Benjamin Button” and it made me think that love had a lot to do with timing.

Being in the right place at the wrong time, being at the wrong place at the right time, being at the wrong place and the wrong time, and then if your lucky being at the right place at the right time. That God has steered us to that time and that place for our paths to cross and never unwind.

I lay awake some night wondering what he is doing, what his life is like, what his dreams are, his fears, has he had a lot of pain, has he felt love before. I look up at the ceiling wondering if somewhere in this world he is doing the same think…thinking of a person he has never met but missing them just the same. Wishing to see that person, hold that person, talk to that person.

Ever since I can remember I have been waiting for him. longing to meet him, to share my life with him. To know him as a friend, a lover, a kindred soul. My mate, my partner, my husband, my best friend, my gift from God. Sometimes I will be driving in my car thinking where are you…where are you and what are you doing? Have we met before, will we meet soon, will it be a long time till we find our way to each other? So many answer less questions run through my mind.

The never ending process of praying and hoping that he is out there. He is out there and we will meet one day, and from then on my life will forever be changed. As much as I want to find love, find him I get scared thinking about it. Loving someone with all of my heart knowing that at any moment they could break it. Trusting them with all of me, all that I love, and hoping they will cherish it all. Believing in someone to the point that they become my everything. It scared me to feel that intensely about one person…but even then I want it. I want those feelings, that overwhelming intensity called love.

I have a lot of dreams of moments between the two of us….but most of all I think about how and when will we meet. I graduate from college in May and after that I know that life will never be the same. I am in my senior year and as I look back there are so many things I would have changed. I feel like I chose a safe route all my life and I am only now realizing that playing safe has its risks and I have fallen pray to the mundane.

I want to go to South Korea after I graduate from college. I want to do this…I need to do this for myself. I am suffocating in this life and I need to know I am capable of more. So I want to challenge myself to go after something I have passion and interest for and see what happens next. Kind of like taking of my barriers and baring myself for the world to see knowing that it doesn’t matter how they seem me what matters is how I see myself. I know it won’t be easy being in a place so different from the world I know. But that is the point, that is is different, new, challenging, but most importantly it is an experience I need at this time in my life to know I have so much more to do, so much more to say, so much more to see.

My world feels so small and limited right now caused by myself and my circumstances. I just pray that God continues to be my shield and my friend as I embark in a new chapter of my life after college. I pray that I don’t let go of this dream no matter what happens and that even if I am making a mistake that I still do it and learn from it. I have always tried to do the right thing, go the safe way, but I am realizing being young is about making mistakes…lots of mistakes so that we learn from them and become wiser as we get older. I know deep inside of myself that I am not ready in God’s eyes for love and being in a relationship because I still need to accept myself. However, I cannot accept myself if I don’t know myself and I cannot know myself if I do not understand myself.

There is a lot of things I still need to come to terms with in my past, in my present…so that I can move towards my future with grace, strength, and wisdom. Lately, I feel haunted by my thoughts and find myself unable to sleep for fear of what I will see and not see in the realm of dreams. The other night I was struck with the thought of where will I be two years from now. December 2010….where will I be? Who will I be? What will I be?

I hope that two years down the road when I am 23 that I am not paralyzed by the same insecurities that plague me at 21. I hope that I will have gone to South Korea and found a piece of the answer of my life that seems so unclear now. I hope I will have come to terms with where my future is heading. Whether it be law school or something else I just hope I am passionate and motivated by it. I hope that I will have met the person God created for me, that the timing will be in our favor and all those missing pieces will now appear and fall into place. I hope that I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit and that I have found a place to call my own. I hope that I will be more financially secure and able to head towards my future with a bit of ease in that department.

I hope that I am still writing, whether in this blog or in a journal. I just hope that I still find the words to write what my voice is unable to speak. I hope that I have found my step with God, and no longer doubt Him nor myself. I hope that I am at peace with who I am and who I am not. That I have realized what is important and what is not so important in my life. That I have let go of the past and am looking towards my future with clarity. I hope that when I wake up it is not with apprehension of what is to come but with excitement and open-mindedness. I hope that at 23 I have found my calling and the means to see it through. I hope that I am happy, and I mean really really really happy with myself and my life. I know it won’t be perfect nor will it be easy but I want to be happy knowing it can be better and one day it will be. At 21 I don’t quite know or understand what happiness is nor what it means to feel happy. I cannot say that I am happy, because to me happiness still eludes me. I don’t know what it means to be happy, so I think it is safe to say I have not felt it yet. I do feel blessed and thankful to and by God.

Lastly, I hope that two years down this rollercoaster road that I have let people into my heart and my life fully. All those walls, insecurities, and barriers that shield me from getting close to anyone. I just don’t know how to let people in and even more I am scared to let them into the cobwebs of my thoughts of my life.

I hope for this, I pray for this, and now I leave it in God’s capable hands. Lord, my Father, my Friend….I pray to you that everything that I am feeling now, that I am going through now are memories that no longer haunt me. I pray to you that the new chapter that I begin after college is in South Korea and that you give me an experience of a lifetime, that will challenge me and make me grow in ways I cannot do here. Please, Father stay by my side always and forever. I put my trust in you, my faith in you, and my hope in you, and I know you will see me through.

Where will you all be two years from now? I pray for all of you that it is a better place, a happier time, and a stronger/wiser you two years from now.

As always, thank you for reading…

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on December 26, 2008.

3 Responses to “Thoughts on 12/26/08”

  1. Wow. I randomly stumbled across your blog and I don’t want to stop reading. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts, just very well written. And done so poetically too. I first read one from when you were 19 and you were talking about the movie The Holiday (I JUST finished watching it) and then I read this one. I am 22 and feel as though I am in the same exact place you are. Spiritually, emotionally, etc.
    The only thing different is that I have traveled and I have seen the world. You always hear people say that you really “find yourself” when you step out of your world and into another. I never understood that until I actually did leave. Boy are they right! You will learn so much about yourself and feel things you’ve never felt before. Please please please, go to South Korea. No matter what. Financial woes or any other obstacles in your way. I suggest staying with people rather than hotels (if possible). That adds so so much to the experience. Explore the small towns that aren’t filled with tourists and talk to the locals. The world isn’t as screwed up and hateful as the cynics would like us to think. People are beautiful and you deserve to see that.

  2. Thank you Trista….and I have vowed that no matter what I will make my way to South Korea..somehow it will all work its self out. The programs I have looked into are home stay one’s…I really would like to live with a family or Korean’s my age to get to know the country better. The world is such an immense place and I feel lit in my heart that I need to explore past this part of the world:)

  3. Release the minds grip on your soul, and see how all the illusions evaporate gradually, In the end its all about MIND-BODY-SOUL….and let your soul navigate you thru life rather than mind dictate its way around….Follow your bliss :)

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