The History Of My Present…

The only time I feel at peace is either when I am writing in my blog/journal or/and listening to music. It is like these two parts of my life heal me, writing and music is the antidote for my soul. When I have my headphones on and my hands are typing away I feel released from all the burdens of this world.

I think everyone needs an outlet from their daily lives and struggles and for me mine is two-part music and writing. Of course they both have one essential similarity– words. Words are a powerful weapon they can be used to protect or to demolish a person. For me when I write it is like everything inside of my soul is falling out for the word to see. This is the only time where I can shed my layers and let people see me. However, when I write in my blog even though I remain anonymous for the most part my hope is that my story makes someone else feel less alone. I write for reflection and to share my story with others. The sad part is that the people in my life have no idea about this side of me. I am scared for them to see this side of me, but more so I don’t want to burden them by having them worry about me.

My other healing tool is music. I have loved music since I was very young, it is like all the things I cannot say out loud is told through that song. It feels like that song was written for me to express what I cannot say or show to the world. When I listen to a song the most important part of it is the lyrics, if the lyrics have no meaning then the song is pointless. Sometimes I wish I was a musician so I could create songs to give people hope, to give them someone to be their voice, and to give them strength. I love writing poetry, and in some ways I feel like a song is really just poetry with music. I’ve been up for a few hours just listening to music and trying to control the turbulence of my thoughts.

Yesterday, I came back from work, crawled into my bed shutting out the world and I cried and I prayed and I showed God my heart. I was thinking a lot about my past and how it has affected my life so far, and how it seems like no matter how hard or how much I want to let go of my past it is still a part of me. I mean everyone’s past shapes who/how they are in the present and I seem unable to escape from it. Sometimes I just want to forget everything and everyone and leave to start fresh somewhere else.

I was thinking about my dad a lot yesterday. I think about him at the most random moments and there is still a lot of sadness and anger when it comes to him. Basically, I come from a broken home and what makes me even sadder is that it has become the norm these days. My dad had never been faithful to my mother and one day he left her and my siblings and I for another woman. When I was younger all I wanted was to be daddy’s little girl I didn’t really understand the depths of the whole situation and all I wanted was for everything to go back to “normal.” It never did and I would only see my dad during the summer, but a that all stopped when I got to high school. I began to see the reality of my father, he left my mother for another woman, he left me and my brother and sister, and he started a new life with her and they have 3 children now. I don’t blame those kids at all, they are the most innocent people in this crazy situation. I don’t even hate the woman, although she has no place in my life. It all comes down to my feelings towards my father and the fact that he chose them and his new life over his children. Yes, he left my mother but he didn’t have to leave me behind.

He didn’t have to stop being a father to me. He didn’t have to abandon us. My father is a selfish man and one day he will pay for his sins…but no matter how angry I feel towards him, how sad he made me feel, or how much he’s hurt me I think deep down in my heart I still wish he’d act like my father. I still wish he’d be the dad that I need in my life. I haven’t spoken to my father in a couple of years and that was a choice I made for my own self=preservation. I needed to let go of him and the whole situation so that I could find happiness in my own life and not hold on to my past. You see my father never knew the depth of how much the whole situation made me feel. I don’t even think I knew how deeply scarred I was till I got older and the scars began to surface into my life. My dad did everything wrong, he never once has said he is sorry for doing this to our family, he has never apologized to my mother. It makes me feel like he thinks what he did/is doing is fine. It was and is never going to be fine with me.

A few years ago I wrote my father a letter, this letter pretty much was me baring my soul to him about how I felt about him leaving and what he did to our family. It was my last effort/hope to find peace with him and hopefully get closer as father/daughter. His response was the opposite of what I had hoped for…he brushed away my feelings like I was dust on his shirt…insignificant. I cried that day for a long time, and I knew after that day I would stop all forms of communication with him, because I would never be able to live my life if I was holding on to this pain and these feelings of sadness and bitterness towards him. In a way my father was the first man to break my heart, and it has never been the same since. I mean, he is my father, he is supposed to love, protect, and be there for me. Instead all he left me with was broken promises, and endless disappointments. All those moments when I needed him he never came or cared. He missed all our high school graduations and I know that when I graduate from college in May he won’t be a part of it.

I guess in a way I wish my father had fought for me, I have always felt like he never really loved me because I remind him of my mother. I have always felt less loved by him than my brother and sister. He never fought to have me in his life or for me to have him in my life. I mean, he is supposed to be my father but he doesn’t know me and I have no idea who he is. I am writing all of this because I realized yesterday that in some ways I am still that little girl waiting for her daddy to come back to her and knowing that when I open that door I will only be looking at his back as he continues to drift farther from me. It is not only because my father left that I feel so hurt, it is what happenned to my family after he left.

My heart hurts so much towards my mother that it feels unbearable at times. I just keep asking God why….why her, why my precious mother? If my father had one bit of a soul he would have been a man and done his fatherly responsibilities. My father took all the money, and left my mother broke with 3 children to take care of. My mother has been both my mom and dad since for over 13 years. She sacrifices time and time again to give us a life that she never had and it just kills me how hard she is working and how much she has had to give up for her children. I know as a mother, she would do anything for us. But, when I think of her not as my mother but a woman my hearts hurts for all that she has suffered. My father was her first and only love till this day. He crushed her spirit and broke her heart. I wish my mother would just forget about him and find someone that will truly love her. I have been praying to God for years to bring someone into her life that will take away the scars left by my father and bring happiness and love into her life. I hope before God takes her from me that he fulfills my dream fro her.

I just feel so powerless, I am in school and cannot help my mother financially. If only money wasn’t the means to a better life…I do my best to be a filial daughter but at 21 there is only so much I can do for my mother and it makes me so sad to not be able to do more. My mother is the most important person in my life and I just want her to not suffer anymore, for her body to not be sick or in pain anymore. I just want her to see the beauty of life so that when she leaves this earth good memories replace the bad ones left by my father.

I think of my little brother who is growing into a young man and how much he needs a father figure in his life. Yes, he has uncles and male cousins but no matter how much they do it is never going to be the same as having his father there to show him what it means to be a man. My baby bro is surrounded my women; my mother, my older sister, and myself. We cannot really understand what he is going through and cannot really give him the advice and support he needs. It makes me sad and angry to think of everything he is missing out on because my father could not be a responsible man.

I think of my older sister who decided to give him a second chance only to have him break her heart even more, my father used her and treated her second to his woman. He placed this woman above his own daughter and in that moment I think my sister saw him for who he was/is….how many more scars can he give our family? I kept telling myself that I was stron enough to not be effected by my past. I told myself that the scars are healed but the truth of it is I think a lot of my present feelings stems from my past.

My fairytale was shattered when my dad left, and I think that I haven’t ever realy healed from it. I know my mom stil has scars and hers are deeper than mine. But my scars are still there simmering beneath the surface. I  never wanted to be the kid from a broken home….I don’t think there is a kid that expects or wants that but I am that kid and I think no matter how old I get, or what happens in my life my past will always have an effect on my present and future.

I don’t trust people. I just don’t trust people fully, so they are always at a distance. No matter how long we have been friends or how much they know about me I keep a lot of myself to myself.  I don’t someone to have power over me or to make me feel vulnerable towards them. Even my closest friends have no idea of what lies behind my smile. If they only knew, if they only saw the depth of my soul….I’m not sure what would happen and at this point in my life I am not ready to trust or find out. I just don’t know how to be close to people…they can tell me anything and everything but I just cannot share what is really going on with me. In a lot of ways I feel like this invisible force field keeps me at a distance form people and I don’t have the will to take it off. At the same time no one has made an effort to see more tha my surface.

I feel alone and lonely most of the time since only myself and God really know my heart. No one knows that I cried yesterday unless they are reading this blog, no one knows my worries, my fears, or my dreams. It makes me sad being so alone but I haven’ met anyone I was willing to take a chance on with my heart whether as a friend or a lover. I cannot just give people my trust anymore, they have to earn it. They have to show me that I can trust them, that they are worth trusting. Some might disagree that people should have to earn your trust, but since this is my blog I will say what I want and how I feel….we all have different experiences and mine has taught me that trust should not be given easily.

Someday everyone you love will leave and that scares me enough to be careful how close I let people to me. No matter how close they think they are to me there is a bigger part of me that I keep hidden away from them. Not many people know how much I love to write, and none of my friends have access or know about this blog, not many of them know about my love for music, or how I want to go to South Korea after I graduate. Either they don’t ask or I don’t really give out the details. I just feel like everyone has their own stuff to deal with so they don’t really take the time to recognize anyone else’s struggle. I might keep people at a distance but none of them have ever tried to take a step closer. There is this quote about putting up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down. No one has taken the time to break my walls down. If they tried they would see the walls are hollow because I want people to come in, I need people to try to see me. I need people to show me that they care.

I can count the number of true friends I have on my fingers, but even those people have their own lives and I am too scared to burden them with my fragile heart. That is why I write, because those who read my blog have chosen to. I have neither asked nor forced them to take a closer look. I like the anonymous factor of blog, I can share my soul with the world and still remain invisible. I can tell my story and at the same time help someone wit theirs.

My past is never going to disappear, and no matter how far I push it under it is still there. I cannot erase my past, my memories, or my scars. I cannot escape the implications it has on my present or my future. But I can decide how it will effect me. Will my past be my weakness or my strength? What about you? Will your pain become your motivation or will it just grow more painful. There is no easy answer because this is not an easy question? I cannot tell you what to do or how your story will turn out because your the author/editor/narrator or your life/story and only you can decide what happens next.

I have one semester of college left and then a new chapter await me. I used to think I knew who I was, I knew where my life was heading, and I knew what I wanted. However, as I get older I realize I know nothing, my direction is lost, and what I wanted seems like a dream. I really have no idea what I truly want, I’m not sure if my passion is truly my passion, and that is hard for me being a planner to accept. I accept it though, I accept that life is an ongoing journey and that one direction could end up in another direction. I accept that I have ore questions than answers, and even when I have an answer it never seems like the right one. I accept that I lonely, and my hope it that I will find my place and my people who will make me feel at home and at peace. I accept that there is a war raging inside of me and even though it feels like I am losing the battle I can still win the war.

I accept that I am not perfect…or anywhere near perfection. I am deeply flawed which makes me human. I accept that my past will always influence my life but I am the one who has to make the choose of how I can use my past, will it be my weakness or my strength. I accept that I still have a lot to learn, there are still so many things I need to experience to become the person I am to be. Most of all I accept that it is okay not to know. It is okay not to know who I am, where I am going, or what I should be doing. Because I believe and have faith that it will be revealed to me in one way or another, little by little, day by day, and one day that puzzle of my life will be completed.

This is why I write, I always feel calm and reassured after writing. I just wish I could show the people in my life the honesty of my heart that I have shared with all of you. I know that my father’s actions shouldn’t have this kind of effect on me…I’m not a little kid anymore. But, when one of the people who brought you into this world and is supposed to love and protect you from the world abandons you….that stays with you forever. Sometimes the feelings is stronger for some than others.

The sad story of my parents…especially my mother has made me questions what exactly love is and whether I really want to get married one day. I think it is so sad how people just marry to marry and don’t take it for the lifelong commitment it is supposed to be. When kids are involved the situation gets even worse because it is always the kid(s) that ends up in the middle of the battle. Who should they choose, who should they love. I know I blamed myself when I was younger for my parents splitting up, and I tried to be a good kid….I’ve always been the “emotional” kid in my dad’s opinion and if you have read any of my other blog entries it shows. I am an emotional person, my heart might be hidden in this body of mine, but my eyes reveal everything that lies inside of me. If only the world would look a little closer, they’d see my soul reflecting through my eyes.

There is a deep sadness inside of me and I think it has been growning and festering for a long time, but lately it is spilling over and becoming visible to me. I used to think I was strong in mind, body, and soul. It is only now that I see it was a false strength used to hide the hollowness inside of me. Day by day, step by step I want to be strong from the inside out and I want to feel liberated from my chains. My past doesn’t need to control my present or hinder my future.

Like I have said in blog entries before, it all comes down to the choice we make in our lives. Do we choose to let the past suck us on, or do we little by little break away from that chapter as we start a new one. I am going for the latter. My past will always be a part of who I am but it won’t hold me down from living, loving, or dreaming.

~Tsunamiblues~

Advertisements

~ by tsunamiblues on December 13, 2008.

8 Responses to “The History Of My Present…”

  1. this is seriously creepy and unbelievable, this thing that you wrote is exactly what i’m feeling at this very moment of my life here in college when everything i do just seem to turn into ashes right before my eyes. i never do anything good enough for me or for anyone else, and all i look forward to everyday is to just listen to my music and lie in bed. i used to like writing a blog but my thoughts are too messed up that i cant seem to type anything coherent lately. instead of finding friends to talk to, which i usually dont do since there’s not much worthwhile people around for me, i just lie around all day and think to myself how stupid and pathetic i feel. i know this is beyond sad already. but id just like you to know that i’ve been looking for myself lately and recently i think i just found it here in this blog entry. so thank you.

    • No thank you is needed. As long as what I write helps someone else I am the one that is thankful.

  2. I have a similar life story. You’re “Dear God- Heal Me from the Inside Out” brought tears to my eyes because it is exactly how I feel right now. I’m going through yet another breakup, and this one was the hardest one of all because I allowed myself to fall completely in love with him and truly believed he was the one. But he rejected me just like my dad did… and I’m wondering if this is how life is always going to be… one bitter disappointment after another.

    • Life is NOT always going to be a disappointment. There will be moments/people who disappoint you but you have to know/believe that there will be happiness to outshine any sadness.

      When it comes to men I am wary but I know that I have to be willing to be hurt to find love. It isn’t easy but you need to know you deserve to be loved and know that you deserve to be treated with respect.

      Rejection is a painful experience but you have to let that person go and know that he wasn’t the one for you. That person who belongs to you is out there and one day when you least expect it you will find him.

  3. Similar story also… only my dad kept the house and mom moved 3 times (still living in the same town) and now my parents live 2 minutes apart.

    But, my dad has said several times before, in the middle of what felt like chaos, that he “knew he should have left (our hometown) a long time ago” … what a thought…

    Life is complicated. I feel guilty when I ask myself “Why is it that I have always lived with my mom?” But i realize now that the part of my life concerning my relationship with my parents has always complicated things.

    I must mention that I am now 23. i am living at home until i start work and start my life over in another town about 30-40 mins away. i’ve had concerns about living somewhere where I know no one but I’ve been able to think positiviely about that.

    Altogether, my emotions are complicated. What I think about too often is the fact that I’ve never lost anyone I was close with. I feel so sorry for those who wish they could change their past.

    My life is a great life. I know God loves me and I never want him to leave me. Jesus died for my sins. Amen.

    • Yeah, I have always lived with my mom but that is because my dad really didn’t want us….at least he didn’t seem to care that we didn’t live with him. I’m 21 and will be moving away this coming August. Although I won’t know a soul really, I trust that God will bring wonderful people into my life as he has always done.

      Your positive attitude is going to make the transition a lot easier and more fun for you.

  4. i wish stories like this never existed.but they do.my dad left mom and I for some 20 years older than him filthy rich woman when I was about 4.4 years later he got back together with mom, but he moved back home when I was about 12.I wish mom didn’t accept him, I wish mom found someone who’d really love her and appreciate her and not treat her like a servant.The funny thing is that I am not even supposed to know all this.Grandma told me when I was 14 why my dad was never home, why he missed all my birthdays and everything else and I promised not to tell.It really hurts to see him not give a shit about this family.Mom does not have a real husband, and I’ve never really had a dad.But he has a perfect wife who loves him to death and will do anything for him and a nice daughter who not even once got into trouble.He gets all the glory of having a family, and all we get is nothing.
    I’m almost 20 and I also thought I’ll get over my “daddy issues”.But the thing is I never will.All I can do is marry someone totally different from my father who’ll be the best of dads for our children.That’s the best medicine I’ve thought about up to now.
    I’m glad I have my friends and teachers.They’ll never give me the dad I want but they’ll always be there for me.About your friends…you know, usually people incline more towards listening, than towards asking question.Try to open up.You will be surprised of the outcome :)If I understand you (and I live across the ocean) and other people who read your blog, I’m sure your friends will feel the same way.

    • You’re right, I don’t think any of us will “get over our daddy issues” but I think we will learn to let go of them and move on. It will take a really special person for me to ever get married, but he won’t be a thing like my father and neither will your husband. This tragic story ends with us, and our kids will get all the love we went without growing up. It really is the best medicine. We learn from our past and make sure it doesn’t become our future or linger in the present.

      That is the scar my father gave me, the inability to really open myself up to people. It takes years for me to even give someone an ounce of trust. I’m just used to being disappointed and left behind. I’ve always had men in my life as friends, but I keep them at a distance like most people. Something I am trying to work on…I want to give people a chance to see me and know me the way I see them and know them. I want to trust again, that will be the best medicine.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: