My Struggle

I am a person who is not used to failing, but in the last 2 years it seems I have lost my way in this chapter of my life called college and I seem to be failing each day. I am a bit upset…alright more than a bit upset with a grade I got today. I studied so hard, I put in all this effort, and for what? To get a crappy grade….I only blame myself.

It really does come down to me, and even though I tried I could have tried harder. I called my mom and tried to explain to her how I feel lost…but being a mom she didn’t realize the seriousness of my confession. It isn’t just that I feel lost about school. I feel lost about everything. I feel lost in my path, each direction places me farther into the maze. I cannot figure how to get out. I know I cannot change the past, but  sometimes I wish I could go back and figure out where it all went wrong. Where did I begin to falter that I am completely behind these days.

I don’t even feel like trying anymore. I keep asking myself does it really matter? Is this really where I am supposed to be? I graduate next semester and I feel extremely relieved and at the same time really sad for all the things I didn’t do, all the opportunties I didn’t pursue, all the people I never got to know. It makes me sad to feel like I am just existing and not living my life. I sit in class thinking why does any of this matter. I used to be so passionate about school and now I just want it to end.

I am planning to go far far away once I graduate and do something out of the ordinary, a little crazy, but probably one of the most important moments in my young life. I am planning to go to South Korea for at least a year. A different world, different people, a different language, but most of an opportunity for me to get away from the mundaness that has become my life, and do some self-discovery.

I am drowning in my current life, each day I sink deeper into that dark water and I feel it down to the core of my soul that I have to leave this place in order to find out if I should come back or if there is somewhere else I should be.

In my last blog I wrote about how I feel like I have lost myself, my essence to be exact. No one seems to understand or realize how serious I am about that. I feel like a shell, this empty shell of a human being. My spark has disappeared and all that is left is the surface. Even that is diminished. I know that it is up to me to figure this all out, I know that the suffering won’t end in a day, but damn it it feels like the world is crushing my brittle body farther into the ground. The sting of the earth is burning through me and I am left helpless and bare.

I wish I had a place in this world where I could go and shed myself of all my demons, the fears, the worries, the ugliness, a place where I could cleanse myself of all this darkness and come out purified. I am still lost and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon.

I find myself disgusting these days for being this ragdoll of a human being. I just wish I could start all over and make things right. Has anyone walked in these shoes before? Did you find your way or are you still lost?

What should I do? I know the answer lies in me but it seems locked far away inside of me and I don’t seem to have the right key to open up that door, or maybe I am scared to face the truth of the situation.

Any advice?

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 12, 2008.

3 Responses to “My Struggle”

  1. Dear friend,

    I will be keeping you in my prayer tonight. I can relate to what you said totally and entirely, because I’m going through it. It happened to me and I’m dealing with it at the moment. No doubt it is difficult and I cannot give you advice, but I just want to let you know there’s another girl who didn’t know you at all prior to reading your entries that felt for you and with you and will be praying for you. Stay strong, the dark clouds will lift and God’s love will again show itself to you. May God be with you always.

  2. Thank you Kiana…these days I am trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time…i might not win every battle but I sure will win the war.

  3. oh my god it was just like reading my current situation I feel like that too,coz I couldn’t enter the major that I wanted and now I’m stuck in another major …..I really hate it and it’s boring I don’t even study,,,and I keep searching for another universities even though I know I can’t afford going to another uni ,I totally understand u and I think we will get over it .

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