My Essence…

I have lost it — my essence –that part of me that makes me who I am. I have lost my spark, my charm, my mojo, spirit. I have lost my passion, my willpower, my heart…and I am left with only an empty shell of humanity.

I think I have been losing my essence for a while now and it is completely gone. I don’t know how to explain it but it is like my dream has disappeared, my vision is clouded, my goals are non-existent. I have lost the will to fight for what I want. I have lost my power to get up, stand up, and fight.

Instead I am standing in the shadows letting the world pass me by and I feel numb. Where is this coming from? I have been thinking about this for a while and today it just kind of sunk in after I got a grade on a test. I used to be the kind of person who planned, who tried, who fought for what she wanted, and now I just let it happen. Things have been off since last year with me but it is coming to its climax this year.

This is my last year of college and I am lost. This is supposed to be my year, my time to grow and to finally do the things I have wanted to do. I go through my days struggling. It is not that everything is hard…I know if I planned and managed my time I would not be too overwhelmed — but everything overwhelms me. Thinking about all that I have to do makes me overwhelmed.

It is like I am having this out of body experience where I am seeing everything happening but am unable to change it. It being me. I am unable to be who I want to be, as if there is this mind block inside of me keeping me from overcoming.

I just want to get into my car and drive away from it all. I want to just go far away and start over. I want to do things differently. I want to have a different major, I want to be healthy and happy, and I want to enjoy my life. I keep questioning the path that has taken me this far. If I had a chance I would do it over and it would be different.

I think when things get hard I clam up because I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with the challenges. I don’t want to deal with the risk of losing. But then again what else can I lose when I have lost my heart and my soul.

I blame only myself for this outcome and I know I cannot go back to the past and change the present and possibly the future. That only happens on Heroes:)…but I just wish that I could find my spark. I want to shime brightly in this world. I want my life to have meaning, to have passion, to have happiness. I want to wake up peaceful and drift to sleep peacefully.

I don’t know all the reasons for my current state…but I know it has alot to do with me losing my essence, my spirit, my willpower for change. When I was in highschool I worked so hard, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the challenge, and now I dread it. I dread the risk. I don’t feel like I am in control of my life and that scares me.

I feel numb and caged in this world. I want to break free from all of this and just go my own way, find my own way, make my own way. I am questioning everything. My present and my future…do I really want to be a lawyer? Do I really want to be a judge? Do I really have what it takes to be one? Am I capable of making a difference in this world?

At this point in my life I don’t think I am or can. I applied for a grant to go to South Korea next year and teach English. I know deep down in my soul that I have to go away to figure things out. I cannot stay here because I will die. Not my body but my spirit will die..which is even worse.

I know that I have to go away to find myself again. I need to trust myself into a different world, I different life, and finally do something just for me. Something risky, somewhere unknown, but something that I want to do. I am waiting and waiting to here if I pass the first round and then will wait some more to see if I actually won and get to go. I know there are other ways to go there ,but I want this way.

I have been praying to God to show me if this is the right thing for me, if going there is what I need to do. I know it is what I want to do. I want to discover what I am capable of because right now I feel so constrained in my life.

I am suffocating in this daily sameness…and I don’t even feel excited at all. I used to be excited to go to school, to go to class. I used to be excited to learn, to discover…but now it is a burden to wake up each day and go to class, work, clubs…etc

I look at my family–my mother, my sister, they are trying so hard towards there dreams. While I am idle and unable to start and move ahead.

I used to feel so close to God..but now I feel like I cannot hear him anymore and that He does not see me. It is not that I have lost my faith because I still believe in God. I feel like I have lost my expression of faith. I don’t feel anything when I go to church. I have not found a place of worship that makes me feel close to God. Sometimes I think why do I need to go to church to be close to God.He should always feel close to me for He exists in me. It is like I am scared to let him into my heart, into my life. He is the only father I have.

I look at my life and feel foolish for not being more thankful. I woke up today, I am getting an education, I have a future ahead of me. I have people who love me, and who look out for me, I should feel blessed. I feel blessed in those ways but I do not feel completely blessed. In all those situations there is suffering in my life and the lives of the people I love.

I know that my life could be worse, I know that I should not speak these words…but how can I lie about what is in my heart?

How does one find the part of themselves that means the most? How do I find my essence. The part of me that gives me life, strength, faith, hope, and willpower. How do I find my passion. I feel like I am looking in all the wrong directions for answers.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 27, 2008.

One Response to “My Essence…”

  1. I really like your comments.there so honest and open. your not alone in this. many feel this way. but i cant may excuse one way or another for myself or for you. on the outher hand i dont sometimes understand gods ways in dealing with us, but i dont think that were supposed to understand it all. that would make us minigods, wouldnt it. but i wish i could help here. I dont thinki can. isnt that sad, thatn i lack the spiritual depth to give the right counsel to something like this. i know sometimes we just want to be heard and understood but in this as with many problems we want an answer. so for that. thats my fault. i do feel that todays christianity in the u.s. has turned inward where we think so much about ourseslves, so as to blind a purer vision of truth, but who can ignore our own conscious feeling about our own importance and sense of need. you feel that , i dont. i feel my need. you feel yours. yet the whole idea of sin is selfisness. sin being choosing self-gratification as end, instead of choosing the hightest well being of god and of your fellow man, in outher words, love. but you love god, at least i think you do. so we see the enenmy of our souls trying fevershily to torment the saints and get them to turn inward and comttemplate about themselves when the world needs our energy and help and love and attention. God bless you friend. but i cant say this is the answer to your problem. it might be the answer to mine.

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