It’s Raining Teardrops On My Soul

Am I normal? Am I supposed through feel like this as a human being? Is it normal to feel the way I do? I scare myself sometimes with the well of emotions inside of me. Today I cried…I cried so much today as if the these tears had been building inside of me waiting to erupt onto my cheeks.

I came out of class today, and had my Ipod in my ears–I could feel the tears forming in my eyes and I rushed back to my room, closed the door and it began. I don’t cry very often…usually I feel the sadness but it never becomes a physical thing. These past few days the tears are unending.

Do I know why? Should I know why? Is there are reason for this downpour of sadness inside of me. I don’t know–I don’t know what I should no and it scares me. I am sitting here in the darkness pouring my soul out to strangers because I am cannot imagine showing this side of me to another human being. For them to see this vulnerability that exists in me.

If only they knew–that I am not standing all alone unable to move forward. Stuck in this motionless pain. Unable to figure out the cause of it or how to fix it. How do I fix something that has no diagnosis..had no name..no reference point–it just is. I cannot explain the depth of it…it is like my heart is going to shatter and I am going to go blank.

There is a hollowness inside of me…this emptiness of my own doing, Why can’t I just be okay? Why can’t I just feel good inside? I could not tell you what happiness means because I don’t know. I don’t know what it means to wake up and feel that everything is going to be okay. To go through my day without any worries, doubts, or fears is a privilege I don’t have.

My entire existence is not at peace..the conflicting feelings, questions, and thoughts inside of me are eating up at me. I keep questioning everything, keep wondering if this is truly it, is this where/what/who I am supposed to be. Do we create ourselves or find ourselves. Is okay not be anything more than average when you long to be extra-ordinary.

i have all these questions and no answers. How can I show you how much I am hurting. I don’t know the real reason for this pain inside of me. It is like a scar that will never heal…it just keeps getting bigger and bigger consuming me.

I am scared of who I am. I don’t want to be this kind of person. The kind of person who hides away from the world and cries curled up with the teddy bear she’s had since she was a child. I don’t want to be the woman who wakes up with worries and goes to sleep with more. I don’t want to be the kind of person who breaks down in the darkness but only show the world her smiles.

I tried to call my sister to talk…I told myself if she picked up it would be a sign to let it all out. I asked myself what exactly would I be letting out? She didn’t pick up the phone…so here I am writing about my sorrows. Who do I call? Who do I cling to? Who’s shoulder to I lay my tear-stained cheek upon?

At this point I call no one, I cling to no one, I have no shoulder to burden with my weights. I wish I knew how to fix me. How to place my hand upon my soul and take away the burdens that I don’t even know about. How I wish to speak to my heart and have it tell me what to do.

What must I do to stop the tears so that the clouds will clear and I can see the sky  enveloping me. What must I do to heal myself. There is this brokenness inside of me and it scares me. I am scared of who I will become if this keeps going on.

I am 21 years old but in so many ways I feel like I am this little girl trapped in the darkness unable to reach towards the light no matter how I stretch myself. I am scared, alone, and unable to fill this void inside of me.

How do I fix myself when I don’t know what is broken? How do I heal when I can’t see the wound? How do I stop crying when the tears are overflowing? I know it comes down to me–I must be the one to save me…but how do I save myself when I don’t even recognize me?

Someone in this world must have been in my place…are you in a better one now? How did you fix yourself.

All I want is to find peace in my soul and the freedom to exist as myself. I am disappointed in myself for being like this and that only makes my pain worse. I feel like there is something wrong with me as if the pieces of my puzzle are all too big to fit properly.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 13, 2008.

3 Responses to “It’s Raining Teardrops On My Soul”

  1. I used to feel the same way as you do now but it all seems so distant now. Over the last year I’ve been through therapy and my doctor also prescribed me anti-depressants. I do not think those are the only things that have made me feel better but they are part of it. It helped push me in the right direction and to make some necessary changes in my life. Therapy made me realize that there are others like me and that I am not as different as I thought. I am now much more acceptive of who I am and my thinking is more positive than before.

  2. do you know how i came across this page? i felt restless… and a weight, a weight of the deepest sadness and i said “my soul is restless looking for a truth in this living world” just in google… weird.. i know.. but the point is i clicked on the first link… it was a blank page… not even kidding. second link, this thing you have written here.
    I say, I have encountered a lot just now, the random workings of the universe… brought me to see a new, pure white page,.. and that is the answer,.. pure… to embrace that in life, it is here, I know this. i know i have said an issue that is just so general just now, but i think no matter where your sadness comes from, whether it be general, or something in your life particularly, i think what i say is true in any case of the type. If you just cannot get past this issue, I am not one to suggest medication, but hey, sometimes you really just can’t help it and may find that it’s not bad to take medication, it is just often that it is not the way to solve it,.. it is usually a much deeper issue. but i would not know.

    never lose your hope, it is what makes you, it is you. and you can always trust in that love given to you.

    you will never be empty.

    I can see that. think of it this way: you ARE light. you will never lose that. don’t believe anything else!

    may you be full of the light and blessed with the happiness it may bring. thank you, that is all.

    love, lulu

  3. Thank you Lulu…although each day brings its own storms I am managing not to get soaked these days. I think it all comes down to my willpower and having a reason to fight!!

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