Lost In The Maze of Life

Today is yet another day of the sameness of my life. The same thoughts, the same sadness, the same worries. Everyday happens but nothing changes…is it because of me? Or is it that my life is meant for nothingness? Why do I even bother asking questions when the answer will never be revealed to me.

I sit here in my room…the only place where I can take off my mask and reveal even if only to myself my inner torment. I don’t know how to explain the darkness that follows me every minute of everyday waiting for me to finally give up and let it consume me. Is it that I am ungrateful for what I have? Too be honest I am not sure all I know is that I feel like my life should be more than it is. I should be more than I am. This world should be more than it is.

I have this dream for my life, it is a dream I don’t dare to say out loud because it is such a beautiful dream I cannot imagine how it will ever come true. I hold it close to my heart, wishing against all hope that life will be kind to me and I will wake up one day and find that my dream came true.

I don’t know why I am tormented by my inner demons but they persist and I have not learned how to escape form them. They are my constant companion. They are Doubt, Fear, and Sabotage.

Doubt, I doubt myself all the time. I doubt my capabilities, my life, my future, myself. I am filled with self-doubt of who I am and who I will become. My path is unclear to me and it terrifies me to look into the darkness and see no light to guide my way.

Fear, that should be my middle name. I don’t know what is more scary not reaching my dreams or trying to reach them and failing. I think I am afraid to show the world my vulnerability because I don’t want to be rejected for it. I don’t want people to see the ugliness of my scarred soul. Living has always seemed to be overflowing with sadness and I feel like I am going to drown in it. No matter how I reach for the surface I continue to sink deeper and deeper towards the bottom. My breathing stops, my eyes close…and I ceased to exist.

Sabotage, in some ways I feel that this is my greatest conflict. Today I should have woken up, taken a shower, started studying, and been productive. I woke up, put on my music, and was anything but productive. Even though I knew what needed to be done I just could/would/did not do it. Why? I am not sure? I do not feel motivated whatsoever to so anything especially since the material is boring. Is this senioritious? No, I feel it is more than that. I feel like I have lost myself, my will, my determination, my enthusiasm, my strength, my ambition, my eagerness. I have lost all of those things and I don’t even know why or how. Most of all I don’t know how to get them back.

I hate myself for that. For my weakness, for my lack of perseverance. I look at the hard work of my family and then I look at myself in disgust for the person I have become. For the person I am not. I want to shout at the top of my lungs.

“Don’t you see me, don’t you see this. Why won’t you help me? Why won’t you love me? Why won’t you understand me? Can I lean upon you? Will you help me learn how to live again? Will you listen to my story and hold me? Will you share your warmth and take away my coldness? Please, won’t someone see me. I need someone I can trust with all of me…my fading beauty and my inner ugliness. Where are you…my friend.”

Why is it I always fall pray to these melancholy moments? Why can’t I just have it figured out and not be unraveling?

I guess the simple answer to that complicated question is Life.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 12, 2008.

One Response to “Lost In The Maze of Life”

  1. I recognise so much of what you write. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world. Greetings from Aletta from the Netherlands.

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