My Multi-Colored Soul

As far as Wednesdays go today could have gone better, but I am thankful for this moment in time to collect and share my thoughts. I cannot begin to express what writing is to me. If I couldn’t write it would be as if I could not speak or see. If I could not put my thoughts into words I would have nothing but chaos inside of me.

I am thankful for this gift and passion that was granted to me. Everyone has something that releases them from the confines of this world. For me it has always been my ability to write, to convey the essence of me on paper as opposed to speaking. When I speak there is not enough time to say all that is inside of me. The words come out but it is not with the same momentum.

It’s the same with music, it speaks to me in a way that regular speech never could. It evokes a response from me and it gives me that warmth. comfort, and understanding that I can never find with people. Therefore, I am thankful for music and my ability to write.

I only wish that as I get older, wiser, have more experiences my writing improves. I’ll share with you a dream I have. One day I would like to publish a book of poetry, short stories, or one of each. I want to inspire people and give them that sense that they are not alone. That someone has had those thoughts and experiences. Although, they might not be the same exact story, we still have that common ground.

I am aching to write and whatever comes after this sentence is up to you to explore. I share my life because I have realized that it can help another. This is my last year of college and in two weeks I will be 21 years old. Is being 21 that big of a deal? Like most things it depends. Of course you are legal to drink and go clubbing, but for the most part those are unimportant things to me. I feel like at 21 I should have things figured out. For example, I should know my purpose, where I am heading, who I am…right? Nope! I am going to be 21 years old and although I know somewhat of my purpose, where I am heading, and who I am…but I have more questions than answers.

I don’t think time or age is really the path that will lead me to those answers. I feel that it is the experiences that we have that age us, stretch us, and ultimately give us those answers to those questions. I still have a lot of experiences coming my way. I still have choices, decisions, and obstacles to face that will lead me to or take me back to where I belong. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that. I have am an introspective person so I self-reflect a lot which leads me to criticize a lot. I am trying my best to let go of all those questions and from seeking all those answers. A friend told me to let it go because no matter how much you think about it, question it, or seek it; it will not appear to you until it is supposed to. It is hard to wrap my mind on the lack of control I have on aspects of my life. I like to be in control and I am learning that sometimes being in control means handing over the reigns.

I am learning that I don’t have to be/act like a grown up yet. Just because I am 21 does not mean my life should be intact or that I have to be an “adult.” For me, I feel that being 21 means that I will have closed one chapter of my life since I will be graduating come May and I have an opportunity to begin a new chapter. I have the opportunity to make those choices that will ripple into my future. I have more experiences, revelations, and mistakes to make and even then there is not stopping point in life that says you have to have it all together. No matter how old we all get, we are never going to be perfect. Instead we will be human. I always try to be perfect and that means not making any mistakes. It is like I forgot the need for mistakes. We need them to teach us something. Mistakes are learning experiences that we must have. They teach us what we already knew, what we never knew, they reinstall in us the values we had and give us ones we always needed.

Trying to be perfect made me miserable because perfection has no place in reality. Humans will never be perfect….I will never be perfect. Perfection is undefinable because everyone has their own definition. It is liberating when you realize that you can’t/don’t have to be perfect. I am flawed, a mess, a jumble of craziness, and unique because there is only one of me. Hehe….it was so hard to admit to myself that I was flawed but now I realize being flawed doesn’t mean I am horrible…it means I am a human being. It means that my flaws are what makes me stand out just as much as my gift. I am quirky and that is okay with me.

I don’t know if it is the fact that I am graduating or that I am getting older that is making me open my eyes and take a good look at my life and myself. Of course, there are still things I am not ready or willing to see or admit, but in time I believe I will. I feel less weighed down by this world or my thoughts. I feel that I am getting closer to my bright future. I feel a sense of happiness and peace within my soul. It is not complete but it has substance.

My canvas is finally beginning to show hints of color and it makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile? Not walking on egg shells, not letting my fears keep me from trying, and not letting people get away with treating me less than I deserve. When I said not walking on eggshells I meant not trying to appease everyone. As the middle child I have always been a peacemaker and never a doormat, but sometimes it would feel like I was heading towards doormat status but I am not going to. I am not going to let people do as they please and let me face the consequences. I am not going to keep giving to those that only take from me. I am going to want and expect and hope because I can and I should.

Fear is the absolute evil of existence. Fear has held me back so much in my life and my time in college. It is only now that I am beginning to overcome some of those fears. Each baby step I take makes me feel powerful. It is not easy, but nothing that has ever been truly meaningful is easy. I am doing my best to just live and cut away all those strings that hold me down. I will acknowledge my fears, but I will not let them define me, or hold me back. It is a constant battle but I am trying my hardest to live my life truly and fully so that when I close my eyes for the last time the regrets are minimum.

As for people, you learn who your true friends are with time and experiences. I have learned what it means to be and have a true friend and what it means to not. It hurts to lose someone because for me they have taken a piece of my soul with them and I can never get it back. You can never get back the time you spent on that relationship.friendship but you can learn from it and grow through it. In my college years I have lost two friends that I valued both times I did not know the reason behind it. Was it that our time was up? Did we drift apart? Or was it never meant to be?

Whatever the reason, it hurt and it still hurts. Friends are like family to me, I cherish, respect, trust, and am vulnerable towards them. So when I lose them it is like losing family. It hurts even more when you don’t know the reason for  it…which usually leads me to blame myself. Why is it that I see myself as the cause of discord? I think my past has a lot to do with that, but that story is for another time. I am learning not to blame myself or take responsibility when I know in my heart I did my part as a friend and they didn’t. I think through losing friends you learn to value the ones you have even more. I have discovered those true friends and it has enriched my existence. Some more than others, but they have shaped and stretched me to be me. They don’t try to make me into something I am not. They love me and accept me and that makes my life beautiful. I know that live would not be living without them. I have always believed that the quality of friends is far greater than the quantity of them. I will always believe that. A person’s character is what attracts me to them and what keeps me with them.

I am learning that as much as you want someone you sometimes have to let them walk away and watch if they turn around. I refuse to chase anyone or to be led by anyone. I refuse to be treated like I am expendable. I refuse to allow people to walk in and out of my life as they please. With that I refuse to be treated in a way that is less than I deserve. It is hard letting people go, but you and I have to do what is best for us. You and I have to find people that encourage us and not knock us down, appreciate us instead of misusing us, love us and not hurt us. I am not going to settle for a relationship, friendship that is as strong as  leave in the midst of a hurricane. I am looking for that substance and meaning in our friendship and I will not let myself succumb to superficial bullshit.

Life is too short for that kind of facade. I want people around me who I will know for years and we will grow closer as time and experiences allow. Finding those friends is not an easy task. I think about the ones I have and it comes down to those moments when you let someone see you, your weakness, uniqueness, beauty, flaws, and they acknowledge yours while sharing theirs. It is those experiences we have that brings us closer and stronger together. You can find your soul mate in one of them and have their’s reflected through you. I used to think life gives you one soulmate but not anymore. Your soul mates come in al shapes and sizes and you will recognize them because the shine brightly in your life.

I am still growing and learning but my mind has opened even more and I have begun to see and realize my essence. What makes me beautiful, passionate, and unique. I am only beginning to see what was already lying inside of me. I don’t think the insecurties will ever fade away completely but they will lessen. I am as strong as I allow myself to be.

For those of you out there who feel like the oddball, you are not the only one. I have always felt like the oddball but there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being you and you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. You don’t have to give them a reason to be you, to feel how you feel, to know what you know, to love what you love, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. My heart goes out to my kindred spirits and I pray for you as I pray for myself. I pray for your greatness, not only that you achieve it but that you see what you have to offer. I pray for your love, that you can share it with those who deserve it. I pray for your happiness, that you find it soon and it covers every aspect of your life. Remember, that you matter. Your life, dreams, soul, and everything in between matters and had meaning. I have not found the specifics on my meaning but I know and believe I exist to help others overcome whatever is holding them back. I exist to make a positive difference and I just have to choose how to do it. Do not ever let yourself doubt the importance of your life the way I did. Life is given to you, use it to better the lives of others.

This chapter in my life will be over in the coming months, but that means I get to begin a new one. I have been through a lot of turbulence in this chapter and things never seem to be completely calm. It doesn’t matter. I will take what comes my way with faith, hope, and wisdom. The bad/sad moments will come because life is not always about happiness. Even so, I think I am more able to handle and get through those challenges of life…it is about damn time that I decide to live my life. Like a friend said to me a while back only I can fix me, only I can choose to heal, because no matter what he wants or says it comes down to a choice…my choice.

Sincerely yours,

Tsunamiblues

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~ by tsunamiblues on September 10, 2008.

2 Responses to “My Multi-Colored Soul”

  1. You know, I read your last post “shattered faith,” as well as this post you recently wrote. My friend, everything happens for a reason. We may not know it, but God has a plan for everything. Endure the hardships you face the the Lord will lift you up, just as he did with Job. Everything happens for a reason.

    I know life is really tough. There are so many adversities in life that we almost think are unbearable. But with God, knowing what Jesus went through for our sake, when you look at it through that perspective, what we go through really cannot be compared to what Jesus went through.

    Tsunamiblues, though I do not know your name, God has made you just the way he wanted. He made you perfectly; he made everyone perfectly. He specifically put you in peoples lives that will shape who they are, just as he put specific people in your life to shape who you are. Each person has a special reason for being there. I am sure that you have blessed their lives, just as they have blessed yours. Learn and grow from the people you encounter, whether they are with you, or leave you. Ultimately, you know you can always find comfort in God, for he will never leave you.

    You know, I am just sitting here, pondering about what to write. There is just so much to say. I guess I will open up a little.

    Right now in my life, things aren’t looking so great. My parents are constantly talking about a divorce, and how unhappy they are in their marriage. Are they going to divorce? I sure hope not. I pray everyday that God will reconcile their marriage, but will he? I can’t say that he will for sure either.

    However, on top of that, I am also heartbroken about this girl I like. I’ve known her for two years and I would like to say we are best friends, but I feel like our friendship is unrequited. I considered asking her out, but then I decided not to. I have come to believe that she is one of my best friends, whereas I am not one of her best friends. I know she does not like me, and she does not confide in my as I do her. I am so lost and puzzled at what I am to do about this. I am just so angry at myself for liking her. I want to take back those feelings because it’s just destroying our friendship, but I cannot control my emotion. I am just so lost and puzzled at what to do.

    Lastly, unlike you graduating from college after this year, I am just entering college this year. I head off to college this Sunday, and I start on the 29th. College has filled my mind with anxiety. How will college be like? What about the people, the classes? Will I find a home church? There are all these things floating around in my mind about college, and what will it be like. I know my major I have chosen, electrical engineer, is the hardest major my college provides. I know one thing for sure, I am terrible at math and science, which essentially, is what electrical engineering is composed of. On top of that, I also want to get an MBA, but I don’t even know if that’s possible for me. I don’t know if I have what it takes to achieve both majors.

    But despite these dilemmas is my life, I know God is there looking after me. God will never give you anything that you cannot handle. These are just trials in my life, that once I endure them, with the help of God, I will become stronger, more of a man than I have ever been before. The first chapter in James talks about dealing with trials and temptations, on how you should be joyous in them for they will lift you up. Just persevere my friend, be steadfast in the Lord, and you can overcome anything.

    If you ever want to talk, just keep writing. I will keep reading. Keep your heart open to anything, for God is always talking to you. Just open up and listen. He is there…

    – Ryan

  2. RYAN, thank you for sharing pieces of your life with me. For someone who is just beginning his path in college you have a wealth of wisdom to bring to that chapter of your life. College is everything; great, sad, stressful, exciting…..you just have to make sure you do what is best/right for you.

    I can relate to your parental situation because that was mine several years ago. My parents are no longer together, but my mother has acted in both roles. As for your girl situation, I have a similar situation with a guy. I made a decision this year to let him go as a friend or more. If he come back my way then that means he values me. If he lets me drift farther away then we never were meant to be anything to one another. It hurts and it makes me angry that he can easily brush me aside. I have learned from it and grown from it so in a way I am thankful to him.

    Thank you again for your words they have resonated within me.

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