Shattered Faith…

Do you ever have those days when it feels like one bad thing after another keeps happening. When simple things like someone getting an order wrong is the last straw to a never-ending list of wrongs. I am having one of those days. I just expect too much from people and this world. I expect people to use their minds and think before they act. I expect people to do what they say they will. If you tell me you are going to do something then you better do it or have a damn good excuse why you didn’t. If you say your going to call, then call.

If there is one thing I hate it is waiting. I hate people keeping me waiting. I do not have and will never find that patience to just let it go. I don’t like broken promises and lateness. Is it a crime for people to keep their word? If you know you might not be able to keep it then don’t say you will do it. Is it a crime to expect people to be on time? If you cannot be for reasons beyond your control I can understand that, but if it is just because you like to be late then don’t have anything to do with me.

Those are just the surface issues of my frustration. I question existence and life. I hear all the time that suffering makes you stronger, but is that true strength? I have suffered a lot and so has my family but are we truly strong because of it. No we are not, we are standing on hollow strength and if a tempest of a storm comes then we will surely shatter under its power. I don’t want to be strong all the time, I want to be able to rely on others strength.

I am full of frustrating right now because when my family hurts I hurt too. When my family is being given the short end of the stick, that means I wallow in that pain too. I ask God, how much longer will life be like this? Where everyday is a battle for survival. Where we are always just making ends meet. How much longer will my mother suffer to provide us with a life. How much longer will her body be broken and her confidence destroyed. How can my sister be suffering like this at 23 years old. She should not have to work this hard, she should not have to stress like this. She is a child and yet she has never gotten to enjoy her youth.

Lord, I pray to you all the time and I have to admit that I wonder if you hear me. Is my voice reaching you? Is my soul near to you? Are you surrounding me or am I standing alone? I need you to see me and hear me. I need you to give us a breakthrough. I am asking you Lord for a miracle. A miracle of happiness and peace. Calm these waters so that we can cross and find a new place…a better place and life must exist for us. I know that each person has their pain, but Lord I am me and this is my family and I am begging you with all that is in me to give us a sign that you are with us. We are losing hope and we are barely making it through each day.

It seems like when everything is finally coming together, it begins to break even more. Why is it Lord that suffering is our daily bread? I see so much and it pains me to watch my family suffer. What did my mother ever do to deserve the cruelness of my father? What did my sibling and I do to deserve a man who is nothing like a father in my eyes. What did my precious mother do so that in all these years she has not met anyone who can sweep away the cobwebs my father left and make her see the beauty of love and life. What did we do so that we were given a father who neither loves or acknowledges us. A father who is like a leech sucking the life out of you till you wither and die. Why? Why? Why?

I ask myself all the time why life is like this. I sometimes think maybe we are a cursed family. Why did I have to grow up in the ugliness of this world? Why did I have to grown up without a childhood? Why did I have to be an adult so soon? Why do I have the burdens at my age. In a few weeks I will be 21 years old. So what? Will life finally settle down? Lord I believe in you, but I am having my doubts.

You see my heart so you know what lies within me and sometimes it scares me. I want to have that hope and that faith but lately I am losing both steadily. I lose hope in this world everyday as the cruelness of it grows deeper. My faith is tested in the wake of all these obstacles. The suffering seems never-ending, and the burdens only seem to grow in weight. Please, Lord I want to know that you are near me. That you are my shield and armor. I want to believe that life gets better, that m family won’t always be conflicted.

I want to believe that there is beauty in this world. I want to believe and trust in humanity and the goodness of people. I want to believe that my life has meaning beyond trials and that I will triumph over them all. I want to believe that you have a reason for all of this and it will come to light soon. I am desperate to believe in you but Lord the wounds never heal. My soul is scarred and those wounds are too deep to ever give me peace.

There is so much conflict inside of me because of this life. I look around and the tears flood over because I am so tired of being strong. I cannot be the pillar for my family. I am a child, your child please hold me. I am withering in the agony of those around me. What can I do for them? What can I do with my life to make it better for the people I love. Show me, tell me, guide me and I will do it. I will do anything for them so that their lives can be unburdened. If only I knew what to do, please Lord don’t let this world destroy me.

Everyday I wake up and I think of the precious mother that you gave me. I think of her and my heart is heavy. How can one person carry so many burdens. How can one person be punished when she had done nothing to deserve it. The sadness that lingers in her is in me Lord. I am her daughter and I am begging you that before you take her from this world show her the beauty of life. Let me sacrifices lead to greatness. Whether that greatness lies within her children let it be in her life. Let her reap the benefits of what she has sowed.

Suffering has not made me strong. I am that leaf blowing in the wind. Shivering from the coldness and unable to settle calmly on this earth. You gave me this life, let there be a reason for it, and let me live it. My tears are a constant companion and I have become a guarded person. The actions of those before have shaped me into this silhouette of humanity. Do not let my future be defined by these tragedies.

I want to believe that this life has meaning and that my existence is for a purpose more than just the painfulness of living.

~ by tsunamiblues on September 2, 2008.

2 Responses to “Shattered Faith…”

  1. I read below and I kinda like it. I think your too young to be too much think. Every excessive thing is bad in the end. Thinking is one of them…


    Life is not fair

    “That’s not fair” is a favorite expression of young children. “She got a bigger cookie. It’s not fair.” “He got a purple balloon and I got a red one. It’s not fair.” I suppose in our attempt to teach our children the concepts of equity and justice, we give them the impression that life is, or should be, fair.

    Nothing could be further from the truth. Life is not fair. And furthermore, we wouldn’t really want it to be. If it was, then we’d all be exactly the same. Just think how boring that would be. Everyone would have the same kind of car, the same kind of house, the same education, the same income, the same personality, the same physique, the same everything. Who would want that?

    Life is not fair because life is what we make of it, and we all choose to live it differently. What is a priority for some, means nothing to others. Life could not possibly be fair unless we all conspired to make it so, and why would we want to do that? The excitement, the challenge, the variety, the essence of life comes precisely from the fact that it is not fair. Some people are born with all the advantages, and others come into life with almost nothing going for them. Is that fair? No. Does it make life worth living? Absolutely.

    You have some advantages that others don’t have. And others have advantages that you don’t have. That’s just the way it is. We each have our own burdens and our own joys, from both of which we can learn and grow. When we accept the fact that life is not fair, then we begin to make it great.

    — Ralph Marston
    Lets just believe in goodness – SG
    It will always be hard when you think its hard.

  2. I stumbled across your page thinking it was something else and couldnt help but read.
    It helped me when I felt like this.

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