The Teardrops Of My Soul

There are those moments when the challenges of living makes life a brutal journey. I sometimes question why God gave me life when I have no meaning. Why create me only to allow me to see the suffering of life and none of the joy. Why bring me into this world if I am only going to see the sadness of it.

I am so tired of the suffering and the fear of what tomorrow will bring. I look at the women that came before me and I wonder if maybe we are a cursed family. Maybe we angered God and he is punishing us. I don’t believe the God I call my father could curse me but sometimes I doubt it all. I look at my mother; it is like this world is trying to shatter her. When things seem to be getting better the storm approaches and shadow falls upon us.

How much longer must we endure the darkness before we can embrace the light? How much longer will this sadness linger inside of me. I get scared, the fear creeps along my insides until I am suffocating. I ask myself will I make it through another day? Will my family ever find peace? If God hears my heart why doesn’t he answer me. I need him desperately and I cannot feel his presence anywhere. I cannot feel his touch or his love upon me.

There is a loneliness within me that has not left me since I was little. I can be surrounded by many and feel an isolation that keeps me at a distance. I want to believe in the goodness of people and this world but it gets hard when you the evil that lingers in all of us. I want to trust someone with all of me but I am so petrified of the vulnerability of opening one’s heart to someone.

I don’t know what happiness is like because there is this wall of sadness surrounding me. I lie in the center of it waiting for someone to find me and show me that I don’t have to cry anymore, I don’t have to be scared anymore of life. I know my suffering might not compare to some but it hurts so much everyday I put on a mask hiding what I feel. No one ever questions what is behind the mask. No one takes that moment to see that everything is not as it seems.

My smile covers the shadows of my soul, my laughter is there to ease the pain in my heart. How much longer will I have to face the cruelty of this world. I just want that peace that can transform my life into something more than it is right now.

If God sees me I hope he is looking at my scarred heart. I hope he is looking deep into my soul because there he will find the me that is hidden from this world. I just want to know that life is more than this darkness that lingers around my family. I need to know that we are heading towards something more than more sadness, disappointments, tears, and fears. I need to know that this sadness will disappear soon.

God if it is me, if I did something to anger you please take it out on me. Take all your anger out on me and let my family find that beauty and grace that I know exists in this world. How many more years will my mom sacrifice and suffer her body and soul to this world. How much longer will my sister only see the coldness of people. How much longer will I be a rag doll of a human.

This world when you truly look at it is such a sad place to be. There is so much suffering that it makes me overwhelmed with the pain of living. Why are some of us the one’s born into this suffering and others get to experience the joy of this world? I don’t feel bitterness towards them only envy that they can feel the warmth of life while I shiver in the coldness.

Today was a day when I questioned my life, the life of my mother, the life of my grandmother. Has God forgotten us? Why doesn’t he comfort me in his arms. I want to be embraced by him and feel that unrelenting warmth of having him as my guardian. Why do we suffer? It is supposed to make us stronger, my strength has faded into weakness.

I wish that God would bring someone into my life that would fix all the broken pieces of my life. I don’t want to lean on my own strength anymore. I am standing on hollow strength. I have prayed to God to bring that one person into my life that I can trust with this sadness that I am bound to. I want to release all my tears and know that there will be someone there to hand me the tissues and wipe away the tears. I long to be held by someone, to feel their warmth and know that I can make i through this dark moment.

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~ by tsunamiblues on July 26, 2008.

6 Responses to “The Teardrops Of My Soul”

  1. Those of us that endure real hardship are the ones that can truly love, be compassionate, and really be empathetic and helpful to others that are suffering.

  2. I am waiting. I am lost in this world of confusion as well, just as you are. I am scared for the future, my friends, my family. I continually contemplate about the right girl for me, someone like you, who i can hold close to my heart. I struggle with life so much, constantly suffering. However, despite this, one thing keeps me going: God’s love. God has a plan for everything, you just need to trust me him and believe in him. I mean, he did send Jesus for a reason, right? My favorite passage in the bible is Philippians 4:13. You should read it sometime. It really gives me hope. Reading Philippians often times gets me through the hardships in life. One thing I learned is not to ask God to remove that hardship in your life, but rather ask him to help you get through it. This way, you will become stronger not only as a person, but as a follower of Christ. Just have faith and believe. God loves you and though you go through suffering, it’s for a reason. Just have faith and believe.

  3. i know not your name but i can feel your sorrow.

    To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. eccle 3:1. Still have faith, still believe in Him.
    Take care and may He bless you.

  4. Your words is exactly what I have been enduring, suffering and hiding within. We are not alone, even though we see and live thinking otherwise. Everything that has happened to each and every individual has it’s purpose!!! We just don’t see it until God knows it’s the right time for us to be able to see and understand the reason we go through tests and trials on this earth. May The Lord Have Mercy On All Our Souls, And Lead Us Along The Right Path. May The Lord Bless You And Whoever Else That Is Reading My Comment.

  5. “Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
    Where there is injury, pardon.
    Where there is doubt, Faith.
    Where there is darkness, light.
    Where there is sadness, joy.
    O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so
    much seek to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood, as to understand;
    to be loved, as to love;
    for it is in giving that we recieve,
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to
    Eternal Life.”

  6. ~~~~~ The Importance Of What We Think ~~~~~
    If I Knew what you think, I would know what you are,

    Our thoughts make us what we are,

    Our mental attitude is the X factor that determines our fate,

    “A man is what he thinks about all day long”. . . . How could he possibly be anything else?

    In fact, almost the only problem we have to deal with – is choosing the right thoughts.

    If we can do that, we will be on the highroad to solving all our problems.

    Determine Your Destiny~~~ “Our life is what our thoughts make it.”

    The Secret Of Being Miserable is. . . . . . . . .
    To have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.”

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