My Heartbeat

Hello all…first Happy 4th of July!! I hope your enjoying the day with family ,friends, and of course good food. As for me my family has never done any big celebration, but it is nice to have a day to relax since I don’t have to work today. I have a chance to write, listen to good music, and just be at peace.

Second, I would like to share a song with you called “Ready for Love” by a wonderful artist named India Arie.

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I’ll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

You know that moment when a song comes on and you just know that song is speaking to you. It is like your soul and the lyrics have become entangled and then it just absorbs you. The music, the lyrics, the melody it all just becomes a part of you. Well this song did it to me today because it expresses my soul like no other.

Am I ready for love? Are you ready for love? Are we ready for the consequences of loving another person with our hearts, souls, and bodies? Are we ready for the responsibility of being depended on? Are we ready for the pain that eventually comes with giving our hearts away?

I cannot answer for you but for me I am not really sure if I am ready for love. I know that I want love, I know I want to love a good man, I want to be loved by a good man, and I want to see what happens with that love. I look out at the world around me and I ask myself where is he? Is he happy? Is he searching for love too? Has he found love? Has he been hurt by love? What is his life like? Is he struggling, suffering, or scared? Or is he happy, free, and at peace? Will I be able to heal him or him heal me? Will he have scars from his past? What will he look like? Will his voice be like a summer breeze…soft and soothing. Or will he be like a raging storm…deep and complex.

The answer is always the same I don’t know. I don’t know anything about him and it like there is this hole inside of me getting bigger and bigger until it consumes me. I want to meet him, I want to laugh with him, love him, and I just want to be around him. I want to know that when I wake up he’ll be there, when I go to sleep he’ll be there. I want to find my love, I want to find that man that God created for me to love and be loved by.

I want to find my dream, my happiness, and my future with him. That is why this song really affected me today because it is like my heart was in each verse and my soul the melody. I just want to find that person, that relationship, that wonderful feeling of loving someone and the happiness that comes with loving someone.

Being able to share my life with someone, my dreams, my fears, my hopes, my family. Everything and anything with that person. Someone who sees me in a light that no one else does. Someone who would stand by me and for me in the midst of any storm. I know most of us all want that, but in my heart it is like this all consuming dream.

No matter how much I write, it is like I cannot truly express this entity inside of me. I feel like I am ready for love, but then again is anyone ever truly READY FOR LOVE? Maybe God doesn’t think I am ready, maybe I missed my love…I don’t know but I do know that it is tiring waking up alone, it is tiring no being able to share my heart with someone who’d understand it, it is tiring waiting and waiting for that person to appear in my life. I am very tired of feeling miserable and sad because no one is there to catch me if and when I fall.

I know that I am young and that I have a whole life ahead of me, but who truly knows that? If I died tomorrow, I would die not knowing what it feels like to kiss someone, love someone, be held by someone. I wouldn’t know the happiness and sadness that comes from opening your heart to someone else. If I died tomorrow I would die without ever knowing what it means to love someone else completely.

I get scared of never finding my love, never meeting my love, never experiencing that love. I get scared I will grow older and still be having these same fears. I get scared that my life was never meant to collide with his. I get scared that I will be like my mother. My mother gave her whole heart to one man, and that one man destroyed it to a point that can never heal.

I don’t want to end up like my parents. It seems like these days there are so many children like me from homes that are broken. Some like me blamed themselves…but I hope they like me realized we are never the cause of our parents mistakes. It took me years to realize that my father is the only one to take on the blame for his actions.

I cannot lie and say that my parents story hasn’t affected my own life story. I don’t trust people easily, I have insecurities I shouldn’t have, and I guard myself from this world. I am a ripple of my father’s misdeeds and my mother’s sadness. I have seen what love can do, and it is a powerful being. Some use it for good and other’s use it for bad like my father.

I look at my mother sometimes and my heart breaks for her. She never got to experience the beauty of love. She has only seen the pain, and it has scarred her for life. I have prayed to God with all my soul to bring someone into her life that will love and cherish her the way my father never did.

My siblings and I have been denied so much love because of him. I don’t know what a father’s love is like or the love that parents have for one another. I don’t know what it is like to have family vacations or any of those bonding experiences.

It hurts at times like know when I think about all that I have missed out, and then it hurts more when I think about all the other souls out there who feel the same way. The things we all experience from our parents are wounds that for some may never heal.

I get scared of giving my heart to someone because there is that chance that I could end up with a man like my father and end up like my mother. I get scared because there is so much cruelty in this world. It is like people have forgotten what is means to love one another. I mean to truly love someone for who they are. People take love  and marriage as a joke these days.

Leaving behind a stream of broken homes like the one I came from. For some it makes us stronger, but in a lot of ways it makes us weaker. I have learned a lot about the power and strength of women from my mother. She is my Superwoman, she has sacrificed her soul for us and I have been inspired by that strength to become a woman of greatness. Someone who is successful in all aspects of m life. At the same time I have no clue about the goodness of love, I only glimpse the flaws.

Even so I still believe that love is the most immeasurably beautiful thing about being alive. I’ve never been is love…I have never been anywhere close to being in love with another human being, but I hope and pray that God has not forgotten about me and one day I won’t have to ache like this. One day I will wake up and see my dream sleeping next to me. One day, one moment, one choice, will lead me towards him and him to me.

I used to think I should have been born in a different time and a different world because it is like in this time and in this world people have forgotten that love is the most powerful and wonderful element in this world. It is the love I have for my mother that makes me strive to show her the beauty of life and make her proud that her children have made it because of her hard work. It is the love I have for my family that keeps me grounded even when I am pulled in different directions. It is the love they have for me that makes me feel less alone in this world. It is the love that I have for all of you that keeps me writing and praying that my story, my life, my words can help someone, heal someone, give someone hope. If I can touch someone’s life for the better then I have achieved greatness. It is the love I have for this world that encourages me to rise above all the sadness and do things that can change it towards a better direction. It is the love I have for my God that keeps me from losing faith or hope in myself, my world, my life. Love is everything if only people would stop manipulating it into this ugliness that makes us hurt each other, hate each other, kill each other….love was mean to heal and never be used to create scars.

We are all scarred some more than others. My scars stay with me and sometimes they hold me back from living. They are reminders of the past, and they have taught me that we all feel pain, we all get hurt, but that doesn’t mean we have to curl into a ball and give up. My parents are my parents. I am not them, and m story doesn’t have to end the same.

I don’t know what I need to do to be ready for love, or if there is anything that i can do, but I know that when I find my love I won’t take him for granted. If my parents separation taught me anything it is that love is something to be cherished when you have it, and you have to deal with the consequences of losing it. I pray that my story will have a happy ending. I don’t mean like a fairytale but I pray that I will have found a love to grow old with, and when I leave this world one day I will have those precious memories to take to heaven.

I have never been in a relationship…I have never even been on a date. I’m different from a lot of women my age. I am not looking for a fling, or anything superficial. I am looking for a man I can call my best friend and unconditional love. The kind of man I can introduce to my mom and build a life with. I pray to God that I get to have that precious love. I pray that my sister finds that love, that my brother meets that love. I pray for all of you may love be good and kind to you.

If that person that God created for me is out there I would like to say to him that I will wait till the day our paths intersect and our lives are forever changed. I will wait till my heart recognizes your soul and I find myself next to you. I pray your life is going wonderfully, that your healthy, happy, and heading towards your dreams. I pray that you are close to God and that your heading towards me. I pray for you without knowing you but in my heart I know that God will bring us together. I know we will each have our own pasts but I know that the future will belong to both of us to make.

Thank you all for hearing my heart and listening to its words.

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~ by tsunamiblues on July 4, 2008.

One Response to “My Heartbeat”

  1. I don’t know how to say this but I understand what you felt.

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