Layered Feelings

I cried today, I haven’t cried in a while but I just got so overwhelmed and frustrated that the tears just fumbled out and I felt like I was going to stop breathing from everything that was racing inside of me. I sometimes wonder if I suffer from panic attacks, not as severe as some but for me when it happens it is due to me feeling a lack of control, dread, and fear and then I feel like I am suffocating and my breath gets shorter to the point I think I will pass out.

Usually, I can control myself from reaching that point but today I lost control and sunk into that miserable feeling of the world crashing down on me. It all started after I took my finance exam today, I could only miss 2.5 points on the exam to get an A, and I know I already missed 3 points and the professor said she wouldn’t curve the test. I left, and all I could think about was that test, my score, my final grade. I got overwhelmed and could not calm myself down. I was trying to let it go and wait till I see my final score, and I was doing okay until my sister called.

She asked me about it, and I didn’t really want to talk about it. I tried to explain to her the situation and in typical big sister fashion she just tried to feed me sympathetic lies of it will all be okay, don’t let it get to you, and whatever happens..happens. I could not get her to understand me, and all of a sudden I could feel the flow of tears rush through me, and at first it was just a few tears, but then I caved and cried so much I couldn’t even breathe.

I know, I know, I should not let a test make me so miserable, but can you try to put yourself in my shoes. If you were half a point away from an A, wouldn’t you want to cry your heart out knowing that you ended up with a B because your professor wouldn’t curve by half a point? I blame myself for not doing better, I blame myself for not being smarter, and I blame myself for not trying harder. I blame only myself for the situation I am in, but can you just try to understand me.

I feel like no one understands me but me. I try to explain myself to people and they only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. Do you know how frustrating it is to have a soul that needs to be freed but everyone is holding on to my chains. I feel contained in this life, this world, this body. I feel like I am suffocating and I am just so frustrated with myself the most.

So after I hung up with my sister, my mom called me not even five minutes later, I assumed my sister had called her saying I was crying like crazy ,but it turned out it was just a mother’s instinct and fate that she called when she did. I told her about it, and being my mom she told me that “an A would be nice because that is what you desire, but your life is not over if you get a B. There are some people who would love to get a B so don’t cry, don’t be sad, happiness is for you always.”

I love my mom, but those were not the words I wanted/needed to hear. I don’t really know what I needed someone to say. It is just that no one ever seems to say the right thing to make me wake up out of my funk. I guess sometimes we just have to let it sink in, cry if need be, and then hopefully be strong enough to move past it.

That last part is the hardest part to achieve. You see being able to move past something would be for me to let go of the fear, acknowledge what happened, and then formulate my next step. But I always get stuck on letting go of the fear. That fear inside of me is my personal demon. It is the shadow following my steps and I am unable to escape it. I have not learned how to control it to the point of letting it go. So many times in my life I have stopped short because I think about all the “what ifs” and “maybes” that come with that choice or decision.

God, I am such a coward. I have this life and I am refusing to live it because of things I cannot control. If I died today I would be leaving so much behind because I haven’t even taken those steps in the direction of my dreams. I hate myself for that, I despise this weakness inside of me that makes me question myself so much. I hate this debilitating feeling of not being able to just be, just breathe, just live. I get stuck inside of the tangle of my mind and lose sight of the door out.

I keep asking myself what do I really want in this life. How can I stop going around in circles and just find my direction? How can I stop being the same sad rag doll of a human and learn to embrace the person that I am and accept what I am not. How can I learn that my dreams don’t have to be limited by fear or reality, but that I deserve to dream a grand and beautiful dream. That I deserve to be happy.

Sometimes I think that I end up like this because I don’t have enough self-worth. That I don’t have enough faith in myself, in my dreams, in my existence. I feel lost because I haven’t found my purpose, my reason for living. I feel confined by society and what I think it wants from me. When it comes down to it I just don’t know; and not knowing makes me feel out of control, Feeling out of control makes me fearful, and feeling fearful makes me stop.

I don’t want to stop anymore, I want to keep going forward. I want to shake away all the cobwebs in my head and my heart and just run free, be free, and live free. I want/need to have my happiness in this world. I don’t want grandness but peace. I don’t want to be envious but content and satisfied. I want to wake up in the morning and know that what I do matters. That my existence matters my words matter, my heart matters. that I matter.

Sometimes I question that…if I matter. Some might say how can I say such a thing, but it is true. I wonder if I disappeared today what would I leave behind. I wonder if I left today who would search for me. I know it is silly thinking but I just wonder how much do I affect the people around me. I know that I matter but I guess I question how much. You see, sometimes I feel I give more of me away to people that they give to me. I feel like they matter more to me than I matter to them. I know it will never be equal but can’t it be closer.

I have this heart lying inside of me aching for someone to hear it beating. I guess maybe I want to be acknowledged the way I acknowledge others. I want to be thought about, remembered…I want to be a good memory to people. When, I think like this I feel selfish for wanting so much…but my soul is hungry for this feeling of being loved, needed, and wanted the way I love, need, and want others.

Words can not even fully describe this deepness inside of me. This well of feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I don’t want to feel like I am incomplete or inadequate. I want to feel complete and happy as I am and who I am becoming. I want to wake up and know in this world there is one person that knows who I am, acknowledges the layers in me, and sees me for who I truly am and not as I appear to be. I want to stop feeling alone among the crowd. I want to know that tomorrow when I open my eyes someone will be there watching over me, needing me, understanding me, and God, loving me.

I often wonder if I turned out this weird because of how I grew up, Do I seek the love that I lacked from someone who was supposed to love me aka my father. I often wonder if my story starts and ends with the fact that maybe I am still that little girl waiting to be pulled into the warmth and out of the darkness.

I just don’t know….I pray that even in the midst of this fog around me that the light continues to shine upon me giving hope that the clouds will clear and I will bask in the warmth of the sun as I stare up as the vastness of the sky.

If there was a song to describe me it would be Linkin Park’s

“Somewhere I Belong”

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I’ll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

I hope in this world all the lost souls out there find their way, because I really don’t want the sadness of knowing there are so many like me…

~ by tsunamiblues on May 14, 2008.

7 Responses to “Layered Feelings”

  1. You want wonderful things to such an extent that it seems like it almost overwhelms you because you have not achieved it yet, and perhaps things don’t look like they are heading exactly where you want them to.

    In some ways it seems like it is making you very pessimistic which is very bad because you have such high expectations on what you want in life.

    You value things like love, companionship, friendship, and being a positive impact on this world, in a very high regard. It makes your standards a bit different, but never let go of it.

    I used to think my personal views were impractical, and that maybe I should just settle for a different life, but then I realized that I would rather endure the hardships that come with searching for what I believe I truly want, then to settle for anything less than what I want.

    Getting a B is not the end of the world, you have already heard this. Yea you put effort into getting an A, but this is only a fraction of your lifetime, don’t let it make you sad.

    Life is really short, try to fill it with as many happy moments as possible, don’t you deserve that for yourself? Also, that dream lover of yours, don’t you want to be as happy, positive, and beautiful as you can be for him emotionally, when he does finally get the honor of sharing a life with you?

    I doubt I helped at all, I apologize if I did not, or if I somehow made things worse. I almost feel out of my element when I respond in your blog, because you write so elegantly and I know my writing is pretty crappy lol. Plus it’s 5am I probably have no idea what the heck I am saying.

  2. Thank you for always responding to my blogs! It doesn’t really matter how your write since everyone has their own style…sometimes simplicity can be even more elegant than tangled up words.

    I’m still a little bit worried about the class…but I think that was only the surface of what was wrong with me. Yesterday was an emotional day for many reasons.

    Your right though that life is short and that I should do my best to be as happy as possible. You would think being happy is an easy thing to do but it’s pretty hard.

  3. Well when you have high expectations you are never satisfied. What you need to do is come to peace with the fact that those expectations haven’t been met, but that it is ok that they aren’t met, as long as you are progressively working towards them. :)

  4. mom said to me yesterday that all those truly successful individuals out there all had struggles and failures before they reached the point they are at now. Nothing worth having is ever going to be easy and that I should realize that doing my best in more than enough because what more can you do that that….moms are great.

    Growing up and becoming myself is supposed to be a journey…sometimes I think I get stuck on my destination and forget to enjoy the ride.

  5. “I get stuck on my destination and forget to enjoy the ride” that’s exactly what happens to me. You obviously don’t know who I am, but I found your blog on google by searching for grey’s anatomy quotes and here I am. I’m from Brazil and I really didn’t expected to read something written by other person that’s exactly what passes through my mind.
    When I got in my new school I was so optimistic and I studied so hard and got good grades despite the fights at home that I didn’t want to get envolved and kept my thoughts for myself so I wouldn’t have one more thing to worry about. But these feelings I locked up inside turned up to make me feel sick and sad and they’d led me to a shrink that recently told me I’m a quitter (opinion which was confirmed when I asked some other people.. nice huh?). So I kinda lost my reason to study so hard like I used to, and I just lock myself in my room and watch tv shows all day long. I kinda lost my reason to live. It may sound deep or stupid, but I can’t find that optimistic person anymore. People around me make me create so many expectations that end up not coming true that I just lost my will to go for it and I really want to get it back.
    I’m sorry for talking so much, I just wanted to let you know that someone else knows how it feels.
    e-mail me :) (if you wish it)

  6. Being human, it ain’t easy. We have all these things that define us as we grow up, and as we become adults these things are not always good for us. Certain behaviors, certain thought systems, certain impulses. I for one liked to pity myself when things went awry, knowing deep down inside that such things were not important, but kept on with it because it gave me a sense of self satisfaction. I got a tingle out of my own self imposed suffering. It’s a vicious circle, a negative feedback cycle in which one is wounded emotionally then suckles devious joy from that suffering.

    In truth, there ain’t nothing nobody can do about this. It’s in your head. One day it’ll all click and you will know what you need to do. In the meanwhile all one needs to do is struggle against yourself, against the waves of thought that pull yourself down.

    What I did was get a hobby, a healthy obsession you’re able to lose yourself in for hours. It was reading, then drawing, then magic. These days it’s contact juggling. It’s a form of mediation, in which you drive away the devil with rote action.

    Keep in mind, you won’t ever be happy if you strive to do all things you do to gain the admiration of your peers. That will fail, always. For an action to gain substance and personal meaning, it’s to be done for yourself.

    Best of luck

  7. That was totally my day yesterday.

    I got a phonecall from my mother, and I just cried. I just feel so frustrated all the time and just want to be wanted.

    guess it’s nice to know other people feel the same way.

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