Unraveling The Cobwebs In My Head

I hope you are being more productive than me….studying is not really happening. But that means I can write a blog and maybe if I let all of the thoughts out I’ll be able to concentrate! It might not all makes sense or flow together, but bear with me:

Where do I start? Classes are over and I have three finals next week that I am trying unfruitfully for the most part to prepare for. I have a lot of things on my mind today. You know those days that all of a sudden your thinking about everything. Your life, dreams, future, love, and etc. Well today all that stuff is in my head so let me tell you what I am thinking.

I am listening to music and thinking that I would die without my music. I feel like music expresses me more than anything else does. It’s like that song was made just for me to hear. Those lyrics were written with me as the muse. I know that isn’t really true but that tell you how much a great song it is, if it can impact you like that. I mean isn’t that what music is all about taking a song and telling a story in a way normal speaking wouldn’t be able to do.

I am thinking about the person that I am, and I think when it comes down to it I keep myself from enjoying my life because I cannot/will not let go and liberate myself. I am the guard as well as the prisoner, but instead of freeing myself I keep myself locked up from the world outside my window. My heart is heavy with regrets, and if there is one piece of advice you take from me it is that life is never a certainty and if you have the opportunity to go after what you want, to do what you want, to be who you want, then don’t let anyone including yourself hold you back.

No matter how many excuses I make it all comes down to me, my choices, my decisions. No one is holding me back more than myself. No one is hurting me more than me, because I haven’t come to terms with myself, my life, and I haven’t been able to unwrap these chains from my soul. I am an observer of life. I watch the people around me and think about their lives, sadness, happiness, thoughts, dreams, and etc. I look out at the world and I see suffering; it makes my heart ache because this world has so much sadness in it. So much death and misery that it is suffocating. You turn on the news and it is there, the turmoil of our world.

I know that there is happiness in the midst of all this sadness but my goodness when will it get better. When will we all learn that what makes a person beautiful is their soul and not their outside appearance? When will we learn that love is not limited by culture, race, religion, sex, and so on? When will we see that a person cannot be judged by their cover when you haven’t even taken the time to open the book and read even one page? When will our world and humanity change for the better? Why is there so many people in this world that get to be parents when they don’t know the first thing about being a mother or father? Why do people think that their children are their property to misuse and abuse as they see fit. I get so fed up with the cruelty of this world that sometimes I feel like I could never bring another being into it.

If you had the power to change any aspect of your life would you? Your past, your present, even your future could be changed; I think that I would. My past has made me both stronger and weaker and if I could I wold change it, but then who is to say that life would be better in that version. Living is not an easy thing to do, and maybe the fact that it is had makes it worth it. But sometimes I wish things were easier, I wish my family didn’t have to struggle to make ends meet, I wish I didn’t have to worry about budgeting this and that, I wish that I didn’t have to worry about my future. I just wish I didn’t have to worry at all.

It never stops though…the worrying. No, sometimes it dims other times it deepens but it never stops, I worry about how everything is going to work out. How am I going to pay for law school? How is my mom going to manage? How is my sister going to make ends meet for nursing school? How are those kids going to be reunited with their parents. How much longer does my grandma have on this earth? How far can I go, how big can I dream, how much of myself can I give before breaking? How can I move past this melancholy towards life and learn to love and live my life? How can I find liberation, inspiration, courage, strength, and peace?

It is moments like this that I wish with all my heart that I had that warmth next to me to wash away the coldness. That hug, voice, touch, and warmth of knowing that someone is there to listen to my thoughts, That someone is taking this moment to understand me, comfort me, love me. reassure me, and most of all acknowledge this part of me.

You see I am strong and I am weak. In the deepest part of me I am waiting for that smile, those eyes, that laughter from that one person that knows me more than any other human being on this earth. I am waiting for someone who takes the time to truly know me. Know that I cry over the little things more than the big, that a thoughtful compliment would mean more to me than any rose. That I love and value my family more than the air I breathe. That music is my language of choice. That words can easily save or break me. That waking up to the sun streaming through my window makes me feel peaceful. That hugs give me strength. That laughter makes my tears slip away. That I am a beautiful, wonderful, and complicated human being who deserves to be loved with all of a person’s heat not pieces of it. That the moments you spend with me leave lasting impressions on my soul.

When you picture your existence what do you see? I have my moments when I think there is no way it will get better. However, in the corner of my heart where my deepest feelings lie I know that better days will find there way to me and my family. I know that the clouds will break and the sun will shine down upon my path and guide me to my destinations. Maybe that it my inherent faith in life. Even in the midst of darkness there is light to show us the way out. Right now that light may be dim, but as you keep moving it will get brighter until your fingers grasp the handle and you open the door to infinite possibilities.

Maybe I am being naive, but I don’t think so. I believe that when I look back at myself now I will have found the answers that evaded me, the peace that was lost to me, and I will have received the love that I always prayed for. Sometimes it is hard to hold on when nothing seems to be changing, but then I write my thoughts out, or I look at people who inspire me and it helps me make it through the sadness, loneliness, and the pain.There are so many lonely souls in this world and I wish I had the power to take away the shadows from their lives. For now all I can do is say I am one of you, and you might feel lonely but you are never alone.

I don’t want to keep questioning where I belong, who I am and who I am not, what I should be doing. I just want clarity in my life, the knowledge that I have a place and a purpose in this world. The knowledge that there are people in this world who truly love and respect me. The knowledge that when I look in the mirror I will recognize with completeness the person staring back at me.

Sometimes I think I try to be someone that I am not because I think people will see me if I act a certain way. But inside I know that I cannot keep that up, I need to be true to myself. But when your lost in your own skin it is hard to know where to truth ends and the lies begin. This year I have been putting myself down a lot from my brain to my looks. Asking why I cannot be taller, smarter, more of the stereotypical beautiful girl. It has been hard letting go of that and learning to accept and love myself for the darkness of my skin, the wisdom of my soul, and the fact that even though I might not be what the world would call beautiful I am a beautiful being all on my own. I am a beautifully crafted soul, I am my mother’s daughter, and if someone doesn’t see my beauty, grace, and elegance then they do not deserve me.

Can you tell my now that I think too much about everything. I want all the answers even before asking the questions. I want to stop thinking so much…I spend more time thinking about my life than actually living it and I want it to stop. I want to wake up and take on the day; both the good and the bad and accept the surprises in between.

I want my heart and my mind to be at ease. I want to know that although I might not have all the answers I can enjoy the journey that leads me to them. I want to close my eyes and wake up to my dreams as reality. I want what I want, need what I need and am holding on to my faith and my hope that my better days are on their way.

I am twenty years old and I feel like I have lived lifetimes, I wonder do most twenty year old act and feel the same as I do?

Pray for me as I pray for you…a Kindred Soul

Song bonus:

~ by tsunamiblues on May 10, 2008.

2 Responses to “Unraveling The Cobwebs In My Head”

  1. Wow, i googled for something that would explain what is going on with me and it seems like it is totally the same. I was surprised when i got to the end of “unraveling the cobwebs in my head,” that you where a girl because as i read it, it seemed like it was me telling the story. I am twenty also and the uncertainty is overpowering, it affects everything. And when things get too tough, remind yourself as i often do, you can always become a forest ranger, lol, no worries, nature, purity, peace. At least that how i envision it.Would be cool to get in contact w/ you. Take care, best wishes.

    • Hi Jaime, we always think we are alone in how we feel but there is always someone else who feels similar

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