Thoughts/Rambings on a Monday (4/28/08)

I have to say as much as I feel like I have grown and found more wisdom, the more I realize how much more growing and wising up I need to do. If you read my last entry I was feeling really sad about the test. I still feel a bit upset since I put all that effort into it, but I am realizing that one test, one class does not define me, and trying to be perfect is going to be the end of me.

Sure I want to be this amazing person, but who’s to say that there isn’t something amazing about me already? What exactly does it mean to be amazing? I am sure there are a broad range of definitions for it. All I know it that I want to be successful in school and in life, and I have to figure out what I mean by successful. Last night helped me grow up a bit, but it seems like all the lessons I learn I forget them when things start going down the drain. I am beginning to see how important it is for me to be around people that encourage, inspire, and get me because they make me see past the fog, and into the clear skies.

I had a team meeting yesterday, and there was 4 of us. Out of the five, four of us did poorly on the exam, and there was one person who did really well, he got a freaking A on the exam. I have no clue how, but he just kept on digging the would deeper by bringing it up and it really pissed me off cause I was like dude we get, but shut the hell up since your practically rubbing it in our faces. Yeah, we got a bit annoyed with him, I mean joking around once fine, but consistently bringing up the fact that you did well and we did not was messed up.

Some background, this guy and I have known each other since freshman year, and lately he has been bugging the crap out of me because he likes to compete with me. Here I am trying to move past that and do my personal best and this douchebag wants to derive pleasure from my misery. I do not brag about my grades, and now I do not even tell people what I get.Especially him, because he always makes a big deal if he does better, which makes me feel bad about myself. He thinks it is funny to make me mad, because seeing me frustrated is funny. Umm….mofo it is not funny…I am not laughing about it. So yeah, these days I really don’t like him., and we have to see each other every bloody day, UNFORTUNATELY.

Do you all feel my animosity towards him? Being a guy, I bet he doesn’t even realize the effect of his actions towards me, this is why we barely hang out anymore, and I barely talk to him in class. I am not going to say anything to him because 1) He’d be clueless and 2) I don’t want any drama. School officially ends next week, so I plan to chill and use the summer to relax even though I will be doing an internship.

Enough about that, the great thing about last night was after everyone left, there was this girl and I, and we just started talking about everything and anything for the next two hours. We kind of bared our souls a little bit, and it made me realize you never really know a person until you take the time to know them. You might think, believe, and assume you know them but you will never know for sure till you listen and ask questions. I learned a lot about her past, and we bonded. Those are the moments that can change your life when you just open up yourself to someone and they reciprocate. Now, I like her even more and see how much common ground we share.

After, I was leaving the library and I happened to glance at one of the side rooms and saw my mentee. I was not sure if it was him ,but he saw me and then we had a long and good hug! We haven’t seen each other all semester cause we are both crazy busy, but he is one of my favorite people, and we have a lot of fun together. It is more friend like than me being his “mentor”. So it was like fate, and it totally made my night. I mean what if I didn’t look sideways, what if I had left earlier then we wouldn’t have met and I wouldn’t have left feeling delighted.

Just goes to show you that life is about things happening for a reason. We are either supposed to learn from it, change because of it, grow because of it, and so on. Things happen because we are a part of life, we are a part of the living. So cause/effect to all of us applies. I know some of you are lile everything happens for a reason is bs. For example, if someone get killed did that happen for a reason? Maybe not the person, but the even happened for a reason, and because of that things will have a domino effect.

Everything happens for a reason is something I believe in, like fate and destiny. However, I do not believe it applies to everything, rather only somethings, and I believe we have an overall fate/destiny but we make the choices of how to reach it. When we begin to stray or something happens, then fate will stick its hand and move us to where we need to be. To each his/her own!

This whole weekend I have barely gotten any school stuff done, but you know what it will work out. It will be okay, and I will be okay, and live with the consequences of my actions. I think sometimes I forget that I am only 20 years old and bound to make mistakes.

Now this morning, I met someone and ended up finding out about this amazing opportunity to apply for this Fulbright grant where you go overseas and either do a project or teach. I was like this is like fate because I want to go to South Korea for a year, and I want to teach English there. I am going to apply for this and please PRAY FOR ME that I get it. I am going to pray that God grant me this opportunity to go after my dream to go to South Korea, and this way it makes it easier on me, cause it will be paid for. Man, I have not wanted something this  much in a long time, so please cross your fingers for me that I might win it. How cool would that be to be able to see another part of the world, embrace another culture, and just do some self-discovery. I pray that I get it!!!!!!!!

Lastly, yes the waiting part sucks when it comes to meeting someone that you can have a real relationship with sucks. I see the people around me, and some of them have found a companion….but like I said before some like me happen to be late bloomers….or our complimentary other has yet to make his/her way to us. I am not a patient person, but the idea of meeting them keeps me going, knowing them keeps me hoping, ad loving them keeps me waiting. I just hope that I don’t miss them or they miss me when our paths cross. I hope their not taken like the person I like now, and that their eyes see all of me, not just bits and pieces.

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~ by tsunamiblues on April 28, 2008.

2 Responses to “Thoughts/Rambings on a Monday (4/28/08)”

  1. I hope the opportunity to go to South Korea pans out for you. It is always fun to explore the world. Sometimes you go to a place thinking it will be one way, and it turns out being much better or much worse though.

  2. I really hope I get it too:) I know for sure that it will be a hard transition, but after that year I feel like my life will have changed for the better.

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