Deliver Me

Before I begin to unravel my thoughts, let me share a song with you. It is called Deliver Me by Sarah Brightman and this is how it goes:

Lyrics:

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

All of my life I’ve been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you’re here, now that I’ve found you,
I know that you’re the one to pull me through.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I’m bearing.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you’re here, now that I’ve found you,
I know that you’re the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you’re here, now that I’ve found you,
I know that you’re the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won’t you deliver me.

——-

Every verse in that song describes me wholeheartedly. Is it that I am waiting for someone to deliver me? Or is that I must deliver my self? I just don’t know what the right/true answer is. In my mind I am waiting, I am desperately waiting for someone to save me, see me, love me, know me, understand me. It seems that from day to day my strength waivers, and I realize just how weak I am, and how much I still need to grow as a person. I want to open up my head and show you my thoughts. I want to open up my heart and show you my soul. Maybe then you would understand the layers that make up me.

Everything in my life is a question, there are no definite answers, and to be honest I am scared. I am so scared that life will end up disappointing me. I feel like I am scared to live. It isn’t that the world is holding me down, more so myself. I don’t know how to describe this scared feeling. Maybe inside I am still that little girl waiting for someone to find her and tell her everything is going to be okay. I am scared to dream to big for fear of not reaching them. I’m scared to put myself out there because I might end of being trampled. I am scared to open up my heart to people, so I keep them at a distance. I am scared to be honest with my heart because no one will understand me. I am scared to believe that I have greatness inside of me for the world to see. I am scared to hope for things because I don’t necessarily deserve them. When it comes down to it, I feel like I am scared to truly live my life. I’m scared to show the world my heat because it might get broken. I am scared to show them my creativity, passion, and uniqueness for fear of rejection.

I am scared to just be me. Scared that I am not good enough, worthy enough, smart enough, pretty enough….all in all that being me is not enough. I don’t know why I have such self-doubt but I am waiting for someone to pick up the pieces of my broken soul. I guess I am still a kid at heart ,waiting for that knight or prince to slay my demons for me. To whisk me away from the cruelty of this world and show me happiness. I am waiting to meet someone who finally gets me, and I mean all of me. From my dreams to my fears and everything in between. For someone to wipe away my tears and give me hope. I think I have lost my hope in myself, my life, and my dreams.

I am waiting for someone to come into my life and change it and me forever. To show me that life is worth living. That laughter can heal every scar, and love can make miracles. I want to believe in the beauty of this world. I want to feel like I have a place and a purpose on this earth. Whether it is God, love, or both I want deliverance from my current state of life. I don’t want to see my mother struggling everyday to make ends meet. I don’t want my sister to have to work so hard to provide for herself, she’s had to grow up so fast and doesn’t get to be young and carefree. I don’t want my brother to grow up to be like our father. I want him to be happy and humble.

If God hears my heart, then He must know my greatest desire is for everything to come full circle for my family. All the suffering, tears, and pain, let it be a thing of the past. Give us a bright future, full of hope, success, laughter, and lots of love. Do you want to know my heart? My family is everything to me, my father left my mother and us more than ten years ago. Since then I have not had a father in my life, but I am grateful for the father figures that have shown me what real men can be. Even so, there is a lot of old wounds knowing that you were not important enough to your parent and that their lover meant more than you. Knowing that all those daughter-father moments will never come to pass. I’ve always been an emotional child and I think when my dad left, it shattered some part of me. No matter how much time passes I still feel envious of those that had fathers and a two-parent home. Just because my father left my mother didn’t mean he had to leave me too.

But he did, and maybe deep down inside I still blame him, and maybe a lot of the reason that I want someone in my life is because I want to feel the love that I didn’t have as a child. Your parents are supposed to be your guide to this world, and give you the wings you need to soar. I am grateful to my mother for all she has done, but deep inside of me I wish that life and my past had turned out differently. I wish that I had grown up in a warm and loving home. I envy my friends because their parents are together and no matter what happens they stick by each other. I never got those family vacations, dinners, get-togethers and I feel like I got jipped.

Coming from a broken home made me realize that their are no happily ever afters. No matter how much I want to believe I could have that fairytale life I know it isn’t reality. Even so, I am longing to find that beautiful love. The kind of love that heals your scars. The kind of love that makes you think only of the present and future instead of looking back at your past. The kind of love that can face any obstacle and come out intact. my heart aches just thinking about the possibility of finding a love like that. Some might say that I have to love myself before I can find that kind of love, but what if that person is supposed to help me find my way. What if that person is supposed to come into my life to show me that I am heading in the right direction. Because inside I feel so lost. I feel lost in my own skin, and in my own life, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and with someone.

Do you know what it is like to feel all alone in the midst of your friends and family? No matter how close I am to them they just don’t see all of me, only bits and pieces. I am aching to show someone my whole heart, soul, and being. I want someone how with just a look can see that inside I am a child, although I might look/seem all grown up on the surface. I want someone who sees all of me. Who sees that I might sound all tough, but inside I am shivering. Who sees that each smile I shed is there to cover up my tears. Who sees that I need support because my own strength is faltering. Who sees that the boundaries I put around me can be broken down. Who sees that I am scarred and even though I cannot trust easily I still want to. I want to trust someone with my vulnerability, my past, my weaknesses, my fears, all of me and everything.

Won’t someone take my hand and place it in theirs and walk this earth with me. Hold me in your arms and let me shed my tears. I always cry when I am alone, but to the world I am tearless. Tell me that everything is going to be okay. That all this suffering, pain, and questioning will end, and I will be bathed in the warmth of the sun. Show me that there is kindness in this world and a place for me to experience it. Wrap your arms around me and pull me closer to you. Take away my coldness with your warmth. My heart is heavy and I am emotionally raw but if you can accept that part of me, you could change my life. Where are you? This person who I need at my side. My days are endless struggles to keep going and not collapse. I am crumbling slowly from the weight of my thoughts. Unable to get past my circumstances and believe in the hope for a better future.

How much longer will life feel unbearable? How much longer will my heart ache for a companion? How much longer will I go to sleep wishing and praying to have someone next to me. How much longer do I have to keep this all inside of me. When will the world acknowledge me for who I am? When will I finally find a sense of belonging? When will this little girl stop wishing for a prince that will never come. I don;t need a perfect prince. All I have ever prayed for was man who I could build a life with. Someone I can have meaningful conversations and moments with. Someone who takes a deeper look into my essence and sees me for who I am. Someone who removes my mask and accepts me as I am. Someone who makes me laugh like there is no ending or beginning to our happiness. All I want is the person that was meant to be mine.

I want to feel like my life makes sense and has meaning. I want to feel secure in my place on this earth and in this world. I want to know that when I come home there will be someone to welcome me home. I want deliverance from this suffering, this agonizing feeling of fear, and from the tribulations of my inner workings. I just want to feel free and be liberated from this world.

Whoever you are once you find me don’t let me go. Keep me by your side, and let me be comforted by your presence.

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~ by tsunamiblues on April 25, 2008.

One Response to “Deliver Me”

  1. Oh my friend. You are who you are supposed to be. You have to realize that you have a right to be here just as much as anyone else. When you walk into a room full of people and become afraid of what they might be thinking of you, say to yourself, “I have a right to be here” and stand tall and walk in. You have to realize this.

    That which you want to hold your hand and love you is God, the Lord Jesus Christ. He not only holds your hand and walks beside you, but He holds you in His hands and carries you when you need Him most. He’s created you and He loves you so much that He’s given His life for you. Once you accept His love and invite Him into your heart, He will begin to heal your pain and your hurt and your fear. For some people these changes will occur suddenly, but if you are as I was, this process of change will be slow and full of frustration. You cannot get discouraged and give up though, because the healing is beautiful.

    You will begin to love who you are and to accept every piece of you, because you will realize that God created you as you are and He loves you immensely. He has a purpose for you on this earth, a reason for you to have been born, a plan for your life.

    Just as God loves you immensely, you will begin to love others in the same way. The crushing sorrow your heart has felt, the Lord will overcome and replace with such overpowering love that you feel your heart will break.

    When you accept Christ’s love and begin to love yourself, you will be able to allow yourself to take the risk of opening your hear to others. I know it sounds incredibly selfish to love yourself, but until you can love yourself, you will not be able to fully love others. In the Bible, God says that we are to love others in the same way we love ourselves. Because of this, if we don’t love ourselves, we will never be able to truly love others.

    You have an immense capacity to love, but you have to accept Christ’s love for you and realize that because He loves you, you are incredibly worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. Worthy of love and to be who you are. And you are loved so muce by God. He loves us beyond our understanding.

    When you learn to love yourself, you will begin to love others more and more. And you won’t be afraid of what others are thinking of you, because you know you are loved by God who has created you as you are and loves you more than I can ever say. Your heart may still be broken by some people, because there are cruel people in this world. But you will know that Christ loves you and is there always for you to fall back on, and that there are more beautiful people in this world who love as Christ loves. People who you will want to open your heart to.

    You have to realize these things. You have to. I pray right now that God will reveal His heart and love to you so these words written will touch your heart and help you to heal. My heart aches for you right now. I feel your heart’s pain so greatly. These words I write to you have come from a painful journey, I experienced and felt and cried out for many of the same things as you, my dear friend. I am crying out to God for you now, because I desperately want you to receive His love and joy, immense joy. I have been where you are, and Christ has slowly led me out of the pain and the sorrow. I had to let go, to realize that I can fail because He will save me. I can love, because He loves me. I can be, because He created me to be.

    The love and joy He has filled me with is greater than any pain and sorrow I ever felt. My journey has been slow and long, but it has made me realize how beautiful is the love of my Christ, my Savior, my Lord God. You are his Child and He is your Father.

    As He gives you His love, I send you mine as well.
    You are worthy love and of life. Please believe, dear friend.

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