Fear, Faith, and Me

That feeling of angst that you get in the pit of your stomach that seems like it is eating away at your soul. That feeling of desperation, confusion, and fear. Fear is a mind-killer, a dream-stealer, and most of all my worst nightmare. I am a very fearful person, because life has shown me how dangerous the world is. But it seems that I let the fear take control of me even when it is something that is not on a world-scale proportion.

Have you ever woken up with that feeling of being afraid of what the day hold? You know that you have things to do, but you lie in bed trying to hold it back for fear of failing when you try. There are many mornings when I wake up with that feeling of fear. Like this morning I woke up, and in a few hours I have to meet with my team to work on a project. I am not really sure about the data I need to research, and even though I can just try my best and ask for help in the meeting for what I don’t understand, I am feeling this sense of fearful anxiety for not understanding the research. It makes me feel like an idiot when I don’t understand things, and I just keep thinking in my head that my other team members are going to be like what is up with her, why doesn’t she get this.

Maybe it is pride, that keeps me from seeking help when I feel lost. Instead I let the fear take over and I feel like the world is slowly crumbling around me. I don’t know how to explain that anxiety when your heart is racing, your stomach is cramping and you feel like you are about to throw up. I feel anxious ans nauseous right now. It makes me sad that I react like this to situations when I feel out of control. Why can’t I cope better? Why can’t I just realize that I might not understand it now, but I can ask for help and learn it then? I feel like everyone knows so much more than me, and I should understand these things. For example, I am a finance major, but I do not really understand the stock market very well, and feel no interest in investing that much. The reason I did finance was because I wanted a secure business background that would leave me room to expand myself after college. I like the aspect of helping someone save for their future or make wise decisions concerning their money, but all people seem to see finance as is the investment world, and there is so much more to it than that.

I feel kind of like a loser for not being more interested in it, and for not having a better understanding for the stock market and all that it entails. I am slowly trying to learn this stuff, but I still feel crappy about not being as knowledgeable as some people. I don’t know why I let myself down so much, and have such critical thoughts towards myself. I mean it is not like I was exposed to all this financial stuff before college, but some people seem to just get it, and I feel like I am slugging behind them.

More to the point, I feel like I am not truly living because I seem to fear living itself. I was given this life, but I feel like I am not living up to my potential. Not sure if that makes sense, but basically I am unsure of how far I should go, and how much I should stay. I mean sometimes fear keeps you from doing bad things, but for me my fear seems irrational and keeps me from extending myself. Let me share some of my fears with you, so you can better understand me.

I fear….

1) Failure: I am so terrified of failing or doing bad on anything, that I feel like the world is crumbling when I do not excel at a homework, test, job, and things of that sort. Sometimes it will cause me to have anxiety ,and breakdown from stress because I am so afraid of failing. Yesterday, someone told us a story of a boy who kept on trying to hit the ball ,saying he is the greatest batter in the world, he would always miss the ball. After missing it three times the boy said I am the greatest pitcher in the whole world. The man who told this story said that it is your attitude towards things that will make your life good or bad. You can choose to see it is a failure, or you can see it as a new opportunity to start fresh, learn something new, etc.

2) Heartbreak: As much as I want to be loved, I am so scared to trust people with my heart. Whether it is friends, family, or lovers. I keep so much of myself hidden because I am scared of giving someone that power over me. A lot of this stems from my parents relationship. The only man my mother loved was my father, and he cheated on her all the time, shattered her heart, left her and my siblings and I for another woman. Never took car of us, and even till this day I know inside of my mother’s heart she still holds onto the first and only love she’s had. My mother has sacrificed her life for me, and it breaks my heart to see the burdens that she carries all because she fell in love with a man who abused and misused her love. I would die if that happened to me, my father had given all of us scars for the rest of our lives. I know in this world that there are good men, but I just don’t know how to truly open up myself to people. I only let people see glimpses of me, but never the whole me. I am afraid to trust someone with my heart, dreams, and my life. But I still pray an hope that one day a man will come into my life and make me believe in the beauty of live.

3) I am afraid to do the things I want to do, for fear of what people think of me. Like working out at the gym, I don’t like crowds and I feel like everyone would be staring at me as I exercise. I only go to gym when there are not a lot of people, so I think I took a baby step by actually going there even though it scared me. But why should I even care what they think of me? Someone said to me, what they think is their business, it is what you think that matters. It is hard for me to accept that. I’m afraid to drive at certain times of the day because it is too busy on the road, and I don’t like it when there are too many vechiles. I’m afraid to try doing things by myself, like signing up for a yoga class, dance class, or things like that. I like to do a lot of things by myself, but going into a situation involving people I don’t know alone scares the shit out of me.

4) I am just fearful of trying because there is a chance I might fail. I really want to slap myself for being like this, but that is how my heart is right now. I am afraid to live my life for fear of failing at it. Not even failing, just doing badly at it. I am afraid to dream big dreams for fear of not reaching them. I am fearful of trying new things for fear of not being good at them. I am just scared and it really, really is a sad feeling to be stuck with.

I want to be courageous and just feel free in my own skin. I feel like I am caging myself to this half-existence and I don’t know how to break free of this self-inflicted cage. I look at someone people around me, like my sister and wish I was more like them/her. I just want to feel liberated, and okay with who I am and who I am not.

———————–

Now about the second part of my title, faith. I feel like my faith in myself, life, and God is slipping farther and farther away from me. I feel like when the going gets tough I give up to easily instead of just breaking through that moment and keep pushing forward. When things don’t go my way, I feel like I cannot get through it and get stressed out, Maybe it is the idea of lacking control, that makes me lose faith.

I am a firm believer that there is a higher power in this world, and I call that entity my God, sometimes I pray to God and converse with him ,but instead of being patient I want to see immediate results and get saddened and unhopeful when things don’t happen. Sometimes I feel selfish for thinking like this, I mean I should be thankful that I woke up this morning, have food to eat, shelter over me, and that I am able to go after my dreams. But selfishly, I feel like things are missing in my life, that I am lacking, and I could be better.

I think I have lost my faith in myself more than my faith in my God. I don;t know why I have given up on myself so easily. Life is hard, but that shouldn’t mean I stop going after what I want. Maybe it comes down to not feeling worthy of what I want. I don’t know where my confidence went but I want it back. To people I seem like a well put together and confident young woman, and when I am around people I am for the most part. It is the moment when I am alone that I ponder my existence, purpose ,and meaning. I want to believe in the beauty of my dreams, existence, and my ability.

I know what I want, but it is the how that evades me. I have a deep frustration inside of me, and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t have the peace inside of me that I desire. I don’t know who I am anymore, all I see are bits and pieces. I keep wondering where did I go ,and who is this person staring back at me.

I feel selfish saying life is hard, but there are days and moments when I feel like what is the point of my life. Do I have a purpose, a path to follow. I tell myself to do my best and be happy with that, but how do I know when I have truly reached my best? God, I just have too many questions and not enough answers.

Thank you for reading all of that, and I wish you every happiness.

~ by tsunamiblues on April 13, 2008.

One Response to “Fear, Faith, and Me”

  1. WOW, I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME.

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