The Jealousy Inside of Me

I seriously need to end this bad habit on mine. I am not sure if I should call it envy or jealousy but I think jealousy is a more accurate term for my feelings towards others.

So today, my friend told me he got a 94% on the economics test we had last week. I looked at my score and I got an 89%. Instead of feeling happy about it, All I could think about what that he did better than me. The first test I got a 72% :( and he got a 74%, and I studied more than he did. Yes, I am being childish but bear with me. I was going to vent to my sister, but she had the nerve to tell me she’d call me back because she was studying at the library. The reason I was angry is because no matter what I am doing when she calls she wants my full attention, and I give it to her. Even when she calls me at 6 in the morning to complain about something, I still pick up the phone. So it should work both ways, but nope it doesn’t.

Back to the story, I should be happy that I did better than the last test, but all I could/can think about is that I try so hard, but people who do not do as much as me do better. So then I start to think that maybe I am not very smart compared to these people who study less. Granted, I don’t know how much he studied this time, but still I want an A too. I mean I really need an A in this class, and I am just hoping for a miracle at the end of this semester. It seriously kills me when people do better than me when I try so much harder than them. I really feel like a loser right now. Yes, I am overreacting about this, but that is my problem.

If someone does better than me school-wise it make me fee like I lack something, if someone does better than me at a job I feel like I am not up to par. Why I am I do hopeless??????? I just think that I am not good enough, I should/could be better. But then is that really true, maybe I need to come to terms with who I am instead of who I want to be. This isn’t coming out right, ……*frustration*

Why can’t I be more laid back, and just be happy that I did better this time compared to the first test. Why can’t I just be happy that I go a really high B? Why is it that I always have to compare myself, and feel like I am lacking just because someone else did better on a test? No matter how I try, I just cannot help but get jealous that people do better than me, are smarter than me, and I end asking myself why can’t I be like them.

This guy is so laidback, and yet does better than me, has a higher GPA…BLAH. I mean I have to try hard to keep my 3.6. Does this make me less smart compared to him? God, I feel like a horrible person for being upset about this, I mean I should just be thankful for my 89% but inside I am not. That is me being honest, inside I feel like a loser for not getting an A on the test. I just want to be at the top, but I am still average. *Sighs* I feel so frustrated with myself for being like this, and not being able to stop these feelings of jealousy. I am a bad person for being like this, right? Wishing someone did worse than me so I can feel better about myself. I just feel like I am lacking, people seem to get things right away, and it takes me longer to understand it. I study more than some and they end of doing better than me.

Why can’t I just find satisfaction in what I do, and be happy about it? Why do I let myself feel dejected because I am not #1. I wish I was a genius, someone who knew things without having to try so hard, a photogenic memory would be nice. I feel like I never going to be satisfied with who I am when I keep thinking I should be better, smarter, and stronger.

Anyone else feel like this? What should I do? I don’t want to be jealous or envious anymore!!!!!

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~ by tsunamiblues on April 10, 2008.

One Response to “The Jealousy Inside of Me”

  1. Wow. You have the built-in Asian Parent Nagging Device. Take a step back and put this in prespective. This was one test, in one class. What you’re feeling is normal, and as long as you channel it into hard work for the next test/project instead of obsessing about your so-called inferiority…

    I’m sure you’ve heard before that everyone’s different. It’s trite, yes, but true. He may do well, but you will be better than he is at something. Whether it is communicating, or another class, or even a simple thing like working hard (he doesn’t sound like he has much of a work ethic, if he can get 94 by being laid back).

    You should take a look at what you do well in, for a change.

    And if you’ve done the best you could, there is no ‘better’.

    Hope that helped.

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