Thoughts on a Saturday morning:)

I just finished registering for my classes for fall. I am excited and nervous about being a senior in college. Because once May and graduation comes around I need to figure out what to do next. I am trying to not dwell too much on that and just realize that I need to do what is best for me despite what other people think I should do. Some of my family members think I should work for a few years and then go to law school (because I want to be a lawyer and then a judge), and my mom thinks I should go straight into law school and get it done with.

Law school is no cake walk and I feel that if I were to just go straight into it after spending all this time in school I would probably quit or die:). So it comes down to what I want and I know that in the foundation of my thoughts I want to take a break from school and travel around. I want to see things I have always wanted to see, go to places I have only dreamed about , and conquer some of my fears alone. I really want to take a year off and do some exploring, learn more about myself, and about the world. I want to go to three places South Korea, Italy or Greece, and England.

I know where I want to go, but I just have to figure out how to go about getting there ie money, lodging, and what to do once I get there. Money, is the biggest factor though:(. If I didn’t go to all three places, I would like to go to South Korea for a year and teach English there. That was the first plan, and I still like that idea, but there is the language barrier, the people barrier (from what I hear foreign people are not as welcomed as say Japan), and just can I really live in a foreign place with foreign people for an entire year.

The reason I wanted to do it, was that exact challenge of putting myself in a situation outside of my comfort zone and having to adapt, learn, and open myself up to new possibilities. I am going to look into it and when May 2009 comes around make a decision about the next year of my life.

What I might end up doing is going to those three places for a month each, and then if I decide I can stay in Korea for a year, apply for the teach English program and do it for the 2009=2010 school year and then plan for law school after that. Now, after I make a decision it is the convincing my family especially my mom to let me go away for that long. I know my mom is going to say no, my other family members will also reiterate her answer, but since it is my life I am going to decide what I am going to do with it. At the end of the day I am going to be the one to live with my choices.

——————————————————————–

I didn’t plan to start my blog with that little blurb, but it was nice to just let my thoughts flow out into words. I am trying to do a daily blog to let my thoughts out and do some self-reflecting. Here I go:)

Why is it that we always focus on what we are not, what we have not done, what we lack? Why do we let the negatives become out daily crutch of life an never let it go and realize that yes negative things exist and will happen but we can and will get through it. For me, I think that when you have been thinking a certain way for a long time it is hard to just switch gears and think differently. However, it is not that we have to think differently, we just have to open up our minds to what else it out there. We have to control our thoughts and negativity.

I am definitely a pessimistic person. I see the bad before the good, the sadness before the happiness, and I tend to distrust everyone more than I trust anyone. It is partly how I grew up, and also what I see in the world. So much hate, violence, and poverty seems to outweigh the positives When you see the world as negative you notice those things more and forget that there is beauty in the world. For me all I have to do is look out at the beautifully blue sky and I know there is happiness in this world, Even with all the bad in this world, it cannot take over the whole world let alone the sky. That might seem like a weird statement, but try it. Look up at the sky and don;t you feel at ease, or look up at the sun and don;t you feel its warmth sinking into you and making you feel better.

Sometimes I will sit out at the balcony and just look up at the sky and let my mind wander, Almost like a form of meditation, I let the sky absorb my emotions, worries, and know that they are not that immense because they would only take a micro portion of the sky. The world is so vast, but we get trapped in our little world and forget that we have the ability to change our world and the world in general. I have always believed that the beginning of change starts with you and the decisions you make in your life. Life is given to all of us, but living is a choice. Sometimes I feel like I am not living, but I am more like a zombie, Mindlessly going through my life, not sure of which way I am going. Other times I feel clarity towards my life. Lately, everything is murky and I am trying to clear the darkness so I can find my clarity in my existence.

I have had those moments in life where dying seems better than living because life is/seems to unbearable to keep going. I have been at the depths of misery where I felt like I was suffocating in this world and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and let the sleep welcome and comfort me. I have moved past that moment and even though things are still murky, I have moments of clarity. Even though I fall or fail, I know that it is not the end of the world even though it might feel like it. You see, I always want to be at the top, I want people to look up to me and see how smart and capable I am, but I have realized it starts with how I look at myself. If I see myself as dumb and incapable then the world if they are not wearing sunglasses will see me as the same, unless they are just blind to my reality.

If your like me you never think your good enough, smart enough, capable enough, and you dwell on those things and lose confidence in yourself. You feel unworthy of your dreams, incapable of your goals, unable to cope with life’s curve balls. Then, you begin to dislike yourself for what you lack and forget the things you are good at, are capable of. I think one of the hardest things to do is realize that what another person thinks of you is not important, it is what YOU think of you that is important. You need to know your beautiful, smart, capable, and a good person overall. If you don’t feel it inside then how can you show it on the outside.

That is one of my problems. I seem to care too much about what other might be thinking about me, to a point that I keep myself from doing the things I want to do because I am scared of what people might be thinking about me. Even though I have no way of knowing what they are thinking unless they say it, I seem to assume that they are mocking me. I have not learned how to not care about what others think about me but I am trying too not care too much what they think. I don’t think you can ever stop caring completely, but I think you can minimize it a lot and focus on the people who matter and what they think.

Life is a complicated puzzle and you have to figure out how to make the pieces fit the way you want them and what works best for you. That might mean breaking some pieces, but you just find your perfect fit. I think letting go is something I have to work on. Letting go of the past, of my failures, and realizing that I have come so far, done a lot, and I need to find satisfaction in myself. My advice is to remember your blessings and don’t dwell on the negatives so much.

Wishing you EVERY happiness!!

Advertisements

~ by tsunamiblues on April 5, 2008.

2 Responses to “Thoughts on a Saturday morning:)”

  1. Thanks for writing such lovely and uplifting blogs.
    I can really relate to some of the things you say.
    Keep writing. :]

  2. Thanks for the sweet comment. I am glad that people can relate to what I am going through, and hopefully I can help others find a better way:)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: