From the Inside Out…Pieces of My Existence

If you could see my heart, would you take a look? Or would you turn away from the reality of me and hide behind what you assume to be and leave the truth of my soul in the dark? If you saw my insides would you see the falling tears of my heart, or would you look at the facade of my outside appearance. Will you take that chance on me and move closer to my side? Will you stand at my side through my darkest hours and hold my hand taking towards the light? Will you leave me to face these dark moments alone with the strength that doesn’t exist? Will you please open up your eyes and look at me, the me that I want  you to see?

Can you see my insecurities, sadness, loneliness, bindings, and all that I hide from the world? I wish I could ask you to be my shelter from these storms, but will you be able to protect me from the darkness? My heart is racing, my eyes are tearing up, my mind is unraveling, and all that is left of me is a silhouette of  what could have been, should have been, and everything in between. I’m that girl standing at the fork in the road unable to move in any one direction, so lost in the choices of the past, present, and future. I’m that girl who you look at and think she has it together, she’s smart, she’s confident, and she doesn’t need us to help her along the way!

If only you knew that I am scattered into a million pieces unable to fit them all together. If only you know that failure is my biggest fear and it takes control of my life. I’m afraid to do the things and go after the things that I really want. I’m afraid to dream to high. I’m afraid to open up my wings and soar with only my strength. I’m afraid to trust people with the deepest part of me, and so the closeness that I need is a passing dream. It is not that I don’t want to trust, but I don’t know how to get to that point, to take that step and let you see the ugliness and the shadows within me. Confident? Sometimes, but in the moments that I am alone that confidence is faded, and I am left with the insecurities of my soul. I want to be better but I don’t know the how part of it. I look in the mirror and feel so sad and angry at what I see. I don’t want to or need to be perfect, but I want to be someone unique. I look at myself and see only what I lack, and feel like a lesser human being.

Sometimes I want to just scream out to the world that I need you, I need someone to meet me half-way, to hold my hand and let me show you my vulnerability. I need someone to hold me through these dark moments and let me believe everything will be okay. I feel alone a lot of the time, and left with only my thoughts I forget the beauty that lies inside of me. I forget the young woman who is growing into her own person, and all I see it the child who still has so much to learn.

My tears are falling, and only I am there to catch them. My light is fading and the darkness is taking over my mind again. I hurt inside and I don’t know what is wrong or how to fix it. I don’t know how to find the serenity inside of me. I don’t know how to be at peace with myself. I just don’t know what to do and the frustrations keep building till I feel like I will explode. Who will acknowledge me? Who will take me as I am and not try to brush away the truth of how I feel. I need someone to be honest with me, to love me, and to be patient with me. I don’t want to hear that what I feel is not real. I don’t want to hear that I am over thinking things or that all I need to do is think positively and it will all be okay.

Am I only worth those generic thoughts? Am I only worth a moment of your time, a brief consideration  before you walk away? Am I someone to just leave behind to face it all alone? Am I just someone for the time being, or will you take the time to know me, love me, and understand me. I am a girl of layers. You cannot just choose to see one and leave the others to lie invisible. If you want to see me and know me well take all of me. Take the good and the bad. Acknowledge the sadness and the happiness, and just be there for me.

Be there to hear me whine, complain, cry, scream in frustration, and sit in silence. I;m not strong enough to do this on my own. I don’t have the will to fight my battles alone. Do you know what I have always longed for? A friend in the truest sense, not someone for now or later but someone for always.

I have people who know some of me, but know one who just knows me completely or at least most of me. You can hide behind your assumptions of who I am but I am not your impression of me. I am the me that you haven’t taken the time to see. I am the me that longs for closeness but is left with nothing but the wind blowing against my stranded dreams.

There are so many things I want to say ,but there is no one to truly listen to me. You see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear, but seem to miss the silence that tells everything. My silence is my truth, what is said is an aspect, but the unspoken words make up my soul. Did you know that? Most likely not, you see I want to share that deepness that lies inside of me but no one wants to look past the surface. With me, what you see is only the beginning of my story.

How long do I have to cry about this? Write about this? Stress over this? How long does my chest have to ache from the pain inside my heart? How long do I have to cry in my pillow hiding from the world? How long before someone walks into my life and takes my hand so I don’t have to walk alone anymore. Loneliness is bitterly cold, and I am always craving warmth. I want the warmth of trust, love, complementing minds, souls, and lives.

I want someone to talk to, to lean on, and someone who lets me be the real me. The me that no one really ever sees. I’m a girl of layers remember that. I don’t fit inside a box, a stereotype, category or anything like that. I have so may thoughts inside of me that sometimes I feel like my soul with burst with the pressures of it roaming inside of me.

Do you know how cold I feel all the time, that is why I like the warmth of the sun. It takes the chill away and I can breathe a little lighter. I am lost  within myself, struggling to find myself and create myself from the inside out. My eyes are blind from the tears that drip from my soul. I am bone-weary tired. Everyday, I ask myself how much longer will I feel like this? When will I finally find my serenity? Inner peace? When will someone finally get ALL of me? Everyday, I go to sleep with these unanswered questions. Waiting for the answer that continues to elude this struggling heart.

When will I meet my friend for always? When will I find someone to trust with my vulnerability and pain? When will someone finally see that when I say “I am fine!” and smile convincingly that there is something more there. Something lying behind the surface. Something past my outside and hidden with in me.

I know that it is not just finding someone to walk beside me, but also being able to walk on my own two feet. It’s just that I am walking on broken feet, and need someone to lift me up and help me get to that final destination.

Now playing: Frou Frou – Let Go
via FoxyTunes

~ by tsunamiblues on February 28, 2008.

3 Responses to “From the Inside Out…Pieces of My Existence”

  1. this is the beast poem i have ever read

  2. wow i typed in the failure of my existance and your web page came up, i actually read your work all of it,and felt not alone anymore, there is alot of similar experiences, feelings and thoughts,that i have as regards to i have made contact with another human who is like minded. I also read your prayers, and about me, i am at ease and a peace opens within me in a knowledge of not being alone or not being uderstood.i too seek to meet a like minded human to experience life with, i have to seek it could be you, or another in this moment i do not know, my only knowledge is my peace, and the knowledge in my heart that there is a future to create, and to enjoy the moment when i too finally meet that someone,good luck in your search and be happy with the knowledge there is someone just like you existing in this world of ours.takecare and good look,And last of not all many thanks for your work.

  3. Dean, you write very beautifully! I enjoyed the poetry that you wrote and your right you are not alone. One of the reasons why I have this blog is for souls like you to find your way here and realize that you are not the only one in this world that feels a certain way. I wish you happiness and blessings. I hope that whoever and whatever you are looking for finds their way towards you and if need be that God moves you closer to their direction. Thank you for your kind words and I pray for your soul that peace is always within you and that the world brings people into your life that see the beauty and uniqueness of your soul.

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