Bring Me Flowers…

Hello all:

This entry will be long and tangled (isn’t that life). First I would like to start off with a song that describes my heart at this moment in my life. I think a lot of you can relate to these lyrics.

Hope: Bring Me Flowers

I haven’t got a clue if you’re the one

But I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

I wanna do this right

Don’t wanna waste this night

But I’m drowning

Drowning in your loveBring me flowers

And talk for hours

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Kiss my face

Your warm embrace

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

I’m a little scared to hold you close

Cause I just might never ever let you go

Caught up in your smile

I’m happy as a child

But I’m still drowning

Drowning in your love

Bring me flowers

And talk for hours

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Kiss my face

Your warm embrace

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Oh, do do do do do do do

Your heart cares for nothing in return

And I’m just taking

Taking you in

Caught up in your smile

I’m happy as a child

But I’m still drowning

Drowning in your love

Bring me flowers

And talk for hours

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Kiss my face

Your warm embrace

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Bring me flowers

And talk for hours

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Close my eyes

And dream for miles

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel



Bring me flowers

And talk for hours

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

Kiss my face

Your warm embrace

And ooh I like you

And ooh I like how you make me feel

The reason this song is so close to my heart, is because that is exactly how I feel about this guy I know. I wish I could just be like “Hey!  I like you….no..no I really like you.” I wish I had that kind of confidence and courage to put my heart out on the line and deal with the aftermath of those spoken words. However, since I only have on heart I try my best to guard it from the bitterness of rejection.

I was on facebook the other day and it said he was no longer in a relationship. At first I was like OMG is this for real. I was happy, I was like this is a sign. Now, I am not sure how I feel. Even if he is no longer in a relationship, that doesn’t mean that I have a chance. That doesn’t mean we are meant to be. That does not mean that he will see that I have something to offer him. Right now I am not sure how I feel about all of it. One, because I am not sure if it really is true. Two, does this even change anything? Nope, I’m still just a friend who wants to be closer to him and be more than just a friend.

I think liking him is pointless sometimes, I mean nothing is going to happen unless he has an ephiphany and realizes we could have something. Or, I take a chance and tell him my feelings to the surprisingly wonderful delight that he feels the same way. Being a realistically inclined daydreamer that is what I want but have a hard time believing that it is actually possibly capable of happening.

Negative much? Yes, I am because come on maybe this is bad to say but guys don’t really see me as more than a friend. At least, that is how it has always been. Too them I am too intimidating is what I keep hearing. Wow, because I have a mind and use it to stand for what I want and believe in that makes me intimidating. *Sighs*

So pretty much I am not really sure how I feel about this maybe breakup, because nothing has changed except now he is available and God knows how many other women out there are thrilled to have him on the radar. There are better women out there for him, but even so I want to be with him. I want to laugh with him, cry with him, talk to him about our dreams, and just be there together. I want hugs and everything else.

I am glad that we are friends, but I wonder if we could have a chance as more. I want us to be closer as friends so we could see if there is something there. I wish I got to see him more, I wish I was more fearless towards my feelings for him. I am just stuck in this rut of young like/love drama and really I would rather be with out these feelings.

Seriously, not liking someone is so much better! You don’t have to deal with wondering what their doing that day. Why aren’t they in class? Why is it that their smile is so wonderful? You don’t have them popping into your head at random times. You don’t analyze every single thing that they say to you. You don’t make a big deal about them doing this or that. Basically you are liberated and can do your own thing.

That is how I want to be! I don’t want to wonder about what is or isn’t. I do not want to think about him everyday and wonder what he is doing at that moment. I don’t want him to have control of my heart. My heart is mine and I want it to stay that way for now.

I am not even sure if we are compatible enough to be more than friends. However, when I am with him I feel like he could see me at my weakest and still be there by my side. Even if we never amount to more than friends, I want us to be really, really, really close friends. Is it selfish to want all these things?

—–

So besides my non-existent love life, I am struggling within myself to figure out  who the heck am I….cause I am not sure about the person staring back at me in the mirror! I was talking to my mother about it today, trying to explain to her that I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be better, smarter, prettier, slimmer, more attractive, sophisticated, and just overall have it going on. People think I have it going on and I don’t but I want to be actually have things together.

I feel inadequate. and I know that I should not put myself down, but this how I feel right now. I feel like I am in this funk and cannot escape it. Your probably sick of hearing me complaining; believe me I feel the same exact way! I think I need to come to terms with who I am, who I am not, and who I may/can be.

I want to be extra-ordinary but I feel not even ordinary. Wow, I need to figure out how to get my confidence and faith in myself back. I know I cannot be as bad as I see myself, but I still don’t see what others see when they look at me. When I look at myself all I can see is who/what I am not. My mom says maybe it is growing pains. I hope so because I don’t want to feel this way forever.

I feel like there is so much going on in the world and I am not able to see it or do it. I know I cannot do it all, but I long to soar among those clouds and see the world around me. When is that day going to come when everything falls into place and I finally realize what is right for me?

For all those struggling souls out there, I feel fore you. I pray for you, because I know that I am not the only one who looks out at the world wondering which way to go. Pray for me, and let us get through these trials and find our path. Lets find the happiness that we seek and the courage to go after it.

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~ by tsunamiblues on February 22, 2008.

3 Responses to “Bring Me Flowers…”

  1. I know just how you feel. I went through this stage in my life. How I got over it? I just had to be comfortable with who I was. I needed to learn not to change myself for some guy. I needed to find a guy who liked me for me. Not who I was pretending to be. So just do that. And your perfect guy will find you, sooner or later. (:

  2. The mind is it’s own place, and in itself, can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. I believe that life is what you make of it, don’t expect anything from anyone! If things don’t go your way think of all the things that have! I wasn’t brought into this world a privileged soul but what i do have i use to its fullest potential and i find people who are positive which improves my life tremendously.
    As for the guy thing i say just tell him! Just do it, most of life is trial and error but if you never try how can you expect to learn? i think i lost my train of thought… lol damn a.d.d. well i hope you have an amazing day!

  3. There is mutual respect and effective collaboration between families and school staff. ,

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