Who I Am Is Not Who I Want To Be

So there are things going on in my life as usual. Isn’t that such a human characteristic, there is only rest in death I think. *Sighs* so from my title you are probably wondering why the person I am now is not who I want to be in the present and most definitely not in the future. I know that there is good and bad and sad and mad and fearful things inside of me. But lately I am thinking the fearful part is becoming a hindrance from me truly living my life.

I think it is because I seem to care about what people say or do more than I should or need to. People look at me and think she does her thing, and doesn’t care what others think. But that is true and untrue. If it something I truly believe in and feel passionate about of course I am not going to let anyone sway me, but when it comes to the little things in life I seem to take each word, glance, and so on inside of me. I tend to internalize a lot of things, and blame myself for it. If someone is mad, I think, “Did I do something wrong?” or “Do they think I look stupid in that outfit?”

I know that is seriously immature but I can;t help but wonder what people think about me, even when they are telling me one thing. Because you never really know what that person can be thinking on the inside. I know that for a fact because none of these people know what I am thinking in truth, unless I spell it out for them. No one can read my mind, and I can;t read there’s so to me there is no way you can be 100% sure you truly know a person.

So on to why who I am ins not who I want to be. The reason for this is that I have this really large amount of fear inside my heart, and this comes from the fact that I think WAY too much about everything, this makes me hinder myself from doing things I want to do. I seem to doubt myself a lot when it comes to life matters. From, whether this guy would ever be interested in me, to I don’t want to go to the gym because people will be thinking this girl doesn’t know what she is doing. I know, I am completely being irrational, but what can I say, feelings are not rational things, at least not for me. I just feel how I feel. I am frustrated with myself for being like this, but it takes more than me thinking this to make a change.

I think about the person I am and think that I am only a shadow of what I could be. I envision the woman I will be/want to be and when I picture it I am not like this. I am this sophisticated woman, who is very intelligent in mind and body. I don’t let people make me feel less than I am, and I am not afraid to go after what I want. When people look at me they know I have it together and I am well-balanced because I will be. I have a successful career, hopefully I am in a committed relationship ie married. I have that inner peace that I have wanted and wanted and wanted. I laugh and smile as much as possible. I have a solid relationship with my God, and have that peace and understanding in my heart fully.

That is basically how I want to be, and right now I am working toward my success, I haven’t found my inner peace or balance in life because I am so filled with unnecessary life worries and self-doubt. Yes, I want to smack some sense into me too. I am not in a relationship, and have never been in one yet. I still have some time till I find my walk with God. I seriously want to start screaming in inner frustration over how pathetic I am right now.

What the hell should I do, to get past being such a coward when it comes to doing things I want to do because of my concern over what other people might/do think about me?

The first step I was going to take was a baby one, like going to the gym this weekend at my campus and just working out regardless of what others might/do think about it.

I am also trying to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. My friend is throwing a party in a few weeks and I told her I would go, but then I was thinking that I don’t know all those people and blah blah blah. But I am going to try and be brave and just go, because I can always leave if I want to.

I am just worried that I am going to live with so many regrets if I don’t get past this mindset. I want my life to be fulfilling and I want to find my happiness. Why am I doing this to myself guys? How can I get past this?

It is soooooooooooooooooooo easier said than done, and I truly want to stop this cycle and start becoming the person I want, and know I can be, but the question is now HOW????

I feel like I don’t have control of my life or of me, and it is driving me crazy. I want to talk to someone about it, but I am not one of those people who can easily tell someone what is on my mind. I am pretty closed off to most people because I don’t think I can trust them, and I honestly don’t know how to say the words.

When people put you in a box ans being this strong person, it is not easy to show them your weaknesses. Tomorrow the one person that I can trust is leaving for 7 months, and I feel like my sister is leaving. She has been there for me since we started college and I don’ know what I am going to do without her.

At the same time, I think it gives me a chance to really become myself and start learning how to do things on my own. How will I ever learn to fly among the skies, if I never leave the ground?

I think the biggest part of my fear is the unknown. I don’t know the outcome, so the risk seems scary. I don’t know if I will be rejected, accepted, alienated, and so on. The fact that I don’t know keeps me from going after what I want.

I feel like I have chained myself in this never ending darkness.

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~ by tsunamiblues on February 5, 2008.

7 Responses to “Who I Am Is Not Who I Want To Be”

  1. I feel the EXACT same way–comforting to know I’m not alone!

  2. Wow, I was on the way home coming from a friends house and I was thinking the exact words of what your title is, “Who I am is not who I want to be”, I went home and decided to check my email and found their was only one update from Facebook. I decided to google the phrase and found this. I understand the way that people portray me to be, and really that is just how I want them to think I am. I feel extremely inadequate, so I assert myself more than others and tend to be aggressive. That whips back to me in the small comments or looks that people give me. I am not a very good hearer (Slightly Terrible Hearing), but that doesn’t mean I am not a good listener when I want to be. Everything for me is visual. The way someone says Hi to me at church vs the way they say greet a real friend. The small comments of rejection that make me defend myself with such adamant will that I end up hurting them and mocking them. Who I want people to think I am and how I would like to be treated is not who I am. Not even close. I am noticed but I am not important. Instead of being a boyfriend, I am just a friend, or good friend now a days. I am not a good friend, I am just a buddy. Even when I want to be a buddy and be accepted into some kind of holy inner circle of friendship, I don’t seem to fit in. What shape must I take in order to fit that part of the puzzle. I, am also a very reserved person. I have close friends that share many things with me and I talk to them about a wide range of personal things, none of which are mine. I am so sick and just exasperated of catching every little thing that people do that just reminds me of what I do wrong like rubbing a dogs nose in a place where he just urinated where he shouldn’t have. How am I supposed to know what to say and what to do when everything I seem to do just blows up in my face. Failure seems to be crescendo. I have to work twice as hard as some people and still end up with horrible results. I am taught not to give up but it sounds reasonable to me that if something doesn’t work 99 times it probably won’t work the 100th time, and if that sounds reasonable to you, your either to stubborn to see it won’t or your insane. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to change and the person I am today is never ever going to have the life that I dream of tomorrow. Wow, I wrote a lot, sorry for ranting.

    • Hi Daniel!

      Venting and ranting is very important for self-preservation. I was about the write a venting blog and saw your comment on this entry. What I am about to say won’t be an answer to your question, because no one know you better than you do or your needs better than you do. So I will just offer a little piece of advice coming from someone with a common desire to want to be different than who I am now…

      Change doesn’t happen in a day, a week, a month, and maybe not even in a year. But I am a firm believe that it does happen and it comes from those little moments of reflection like the venting session you just did. It comes from the people around us, and the places we go. However, the best change starts with you. With that desire to change and the follow through. It sure as hell isn’t easy, but it is worth it. One thing I say to myself is one day at a time, one step at a time. No one is counting the time by till change happens and if they are just ignore them. Do things at your own pace and seek out your own happiness.

      Really sit down and reflect on who you are know, who you want to be, and WHY you want to be that way. Is there something wrong with who you are now or is it that you just want to be someone else. That is a question that only you can answer. Remember to breathe, surround yourself with people that treat you the way you wanted to be treated, forget those who don’t give you what you want/deserve. If you have people around you putting you down when you need to be uplifted or giving you a hard time when all you want is constructive criticism let them go.

      We only get one life and you need to live your life for you. You need to seek out your own happiness and changes, and you need to be open to that change you want. You have to work hard, keep track of it till you get to the point you want to be at. Everyday won’t be filled with change and some days are going to suck but in the end what you get out of it is what you gave to that change.

      For me, I am starting to feel like I am changing into the woman I want to be. It is slow but it is happening. For me I like to write down exactly what I want from myself and my life. Then I think about it and see if this is what I really want or what the world wants from me. If it is the first great, the second no. The world is not you, and you don’t need to live a life holding your breath because you think all the eyes are on you. Live your life and try not to step over others. If you did wrong apologize and move on.

      Change comes with truth. Being truthful to yourself and those around you. I made some decisions and am sticking to them. Don’t rush but go at your own pace and know that even though it might take longer than you life once that change happens it is here to stay.

      Hopefully that helped…but overall the answer is going to come from you. You have to ask what do I want, why do I want it, and what am I willing to do to get it?

      • Wow. Thank you for what you said. You right that it didn’t answer my question directly, but it made me think. I realise that certain things I do in my life are just cause and effect of coices I have made in the past and choices others have made. I am going to try to change a few little things about myself for myself. I do believe that people can change and some may need the help of God to do it but it can happend. I think you are a very wise person and I wish I had a friend like you in my life. Thanks for your advice, I appreciated it.

      • I’m glad it got you thinking. You find that small changes go a long way. I believe that God is there to help/guide me towards those changes. Some are ones I realize and others aren’t. Just remember that as long as you try your hardest you can’t ask yourself for more than that.

        Keep track of your progress and later on your will see how far you have come. Feel free to contact me at this blog if you need advice or want to have a venting session.

        I’m rooting for you!!

  3. The weirdest thing to me about your post is that you spoke my thoughts today Monday, November 15, 2010 way back on Feb. 8, 2008. I have been feeling kind of down for a little while. It seems like I looked up and all of a sudden I am 29 and I am no where close to where I was supposed to be even at 25. My five year plan has somehow metamorphisized into this long drawn out 10 year one. And here I am coming up on the 10th year, and I still haven’t “Made It”. My greatest fear is that I never will make it, because I will never really give everything to get what I want. Oh I’ll try half heartedly. Then comes the distractions, next the excuses, later the justifications, and still later the almost inevitable depression because I coped out again. I gave up. I got scared. I gave in. I am officially pitiful. So here I am almost 10 years later an office manager, instead of a business owner. An employee instead of an employer. A cog in the wheel instead of the inventor. A blog poster instead of a published writer.

    So I guess what I want to say is.

    Thank you, for speaking my thoughts, for allowing me to see that I am not the only one, for letting me know in black and white that I am afraid and that my fear is keeping me from reaching for me…Not from my dreams, not from my goals, not from my plans.

    My fears are keeping me from being me. And it’s time I did something about it.

    So wish me luck…I hope that today on this day you are closer to your authentic self than you were then. And if not, well, today is as good a day as any. :)

    J

    • Dear J,

      What’s really weird is that what you wrote is currently how I’m feeling at 10:21 PM on November 18, 2010. Today has been a day of wondering “what comes next” and I am still at a loss as how to answer that question.

      This idea of “making it” all depends on you. What does success mean to you? What is your end goal/dream? Who do you want to be once you shake off the judgements of the people around you. At the end of the day, you are the one with the key and the door. So you’ve got to decide whether or not to unlock it(you) and see what’s there. Believe me, I know all about distractions and excuses, but there comes a point where you can’t run anymore. You cannot avoid the inevitable, which is yourself and whatever is holding you back. Eventually, you’ve got to face your reflection and be honest with yourself. Completely honest, and decide what to do, how to go about picking up the pieces and making something out of it. Something you can live with. Something you can accept, appreciate, respect. Something you can love. Your life isn’t over, so you still have time and a chance to do the things you’ve wanted to do. Achieve the dreams you’ve been keeping locked behind that door. You can start one step at a time, one day at a time and make your dream into your reality. If it’s something you really want, then you’ll overcome your fears, you insecurities, your…the point is you will overcome if it means reaching your dreams.

      Thank you for inspiring me with this “My fears are keeping me from being me. And it’s time I did something about it.” I’ve been dealing with my fears, who have become constant companions in my life, and you are right fear keeps you from being yourself. Fear starts in our minds and slithers into everything else, but if you see that then you can fight it and win in the end. Nelson Mandela said “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

      Conquer your fears, and I will work on conquering mine. Wake up and say “today I will overcome” and then do as you say. I wish you the best and sincerest of luck. You’ve reminded me to not give up, and I am so thankful to you for that.

      Listen to this song “Shine” by Laura Izibor and maybe it will help you find that courage to let yourself be yourself, only then will you be truly happy and at peace in this life. Keep pressing on, and don’t give up hope. Hope is the root of all the good things in life!!!!

      Fighting!!!
      TBlues

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