Ramblings on a Thursday (1/17/08)

What would I do without the ability to put my thoughts down? I think that would be the day that a part of me died if not all. Writing keeps me sane, makes me feel like it will all be alright, and most all gives me a chance to let out the things I keep inside under lock and key. So what is going on with me? So many things as usual. But isn’t that life, it only stops when your dead, other than that you either have to keep going forward or keep hiding in the past.

Today was a hectic day for me. I don’t know why I put so many things on my plate, other than I enjoy doing it, and it gives a chance to network and learn from people who have been there, done it, and have a wealth of knowledge to share with me. I am a preceptor for a business communication class for a professor I had last semester. I hope one day I can be as graceful and elegant as her when I am speaking in front of people. She has such a great presence about her from her voice to her stance. I took the preceptorship because I like helping others through what I’ve been through (hopefully not to make the same mistakes), and I want to learn from a great person skills I can use when I go into an interview, the real world, and just life in general. It is going to be tough this semester, with everything I have to do, but my attitude has changed, and I won’t let myself fall again into that kind of darkness. Sometimes in life the only person that can save you is yourself and God’s strength will keep you safe.

There are times when it all gets to me, and I think what am I going to do? What does my future hold? Then I take a breathe and remember that some things will always be uncertain, but I know I can get through any obstacle because God did not bring me that far to fall. My family has not encouraged me this far just for me to give up. No matter what storms come my way or your way please don’t give up, because there will be better days ahead for you.

Today was a hard day because it was long with four classes (three of them back to back), and just the overwhelming feeling you get the first few days of a new semester. I feel overwhelmed, but I am not going to let myself get bogged down with it. I will take it one step at a time, and just do my best and pray that God guides my path towards wherever I am supposed to go, and whoever I am supposed to be. My eyes are tearing a bit while writing this, because I can’t believe how I am now. A few months ago I felt like I was going to die, and today I know that I can get through all my fears, doubts, insecurities, criticisms, and whatever else life throws my way, because I have the power to change my life for the better. It is with my on faith in myself that I can make my dreams come true. I am my own worst enemy, but I am trying to be my best friend these days. Only God and I understand my insides and until someone else can see the real me I have to depend on myself for as long as it takes. I know in this world so many people truly love me and wish me the best, so I will not dwell in sorrow.

Yes, sometimes I feel sadness, but I will no longer let it possess my heart and make me feel so horrible, this is my life and I have to try to live it in a way that I can leave it peacefully. Even though it is hard, and sometimes I want to give up I know that I will get through it, and even if I fall sometimes I can rise up and keep going. Even when adversaries come my way, I have to keep going after what I want. People see me as this brave young woman, but I am not always brave, and I am not always strong. In those times I am also weak and nervous just like every other human being in this world.

There is this deep inner shyness inside of me when it comes to experiencing firsts, or going to places where I don’t know people. I get butterflies in my stomach even though I look calm and confident on the outside I am trembling inside. It is this fear that sometimes keeps me from truly living my life, but I am trying my hardest to push it away from me and gain the courage to take that chance at least once. Even if it turns out negatively I can say I tried, I took  chance, and move on. Easier said than done, but I will do my best to seek the courage to let go of that nervousness and just keep going after what I want and need in life.

Today, as I was walking back from class I kept on thinking I wish I had someone who asked the questions I wanted to answer without me telling them to. How was your day today? How was your first day of preceptorship? What are your classes like for this semester? Do you need a hug to make your day better? We should eat dinner together….things like that, how I wish someone would just ask me such simple questions, things like that mean so much to me. Even though it might seem like a trifle thing, it truly would make my day to have someone send me a text message, call me, or just make me feel like I matter. I say this outside of my family, my sister and mom take time to make me feel like I matter, and I truly love them for that.

I just mean for a friend, a significant other, someone to just take sometime to see me. No one really sees me, and that makes it tiring to keep it all inside of me except when I write. I truly appreciate you reading my blogs and taking time out of your lives to take a look into mine. I wish someone would just hug me everyday and tell me that I can do it, will do it, and they’ll be cheering me on. Simple things like hugs, phone calls, and things like that mean the world to me. I’d rather have thoughtfulness over jewelery any day of the week.

Lastly, there is this guy that is a friend of mine and every time I see him, I see the reality that there really are good men out there, but their not mine to have, at least not yet. He would probably be shocked if he knew that I like him. I don’t know exactly how to describe my feelings for him but just thinking about him make me smile. I want to sit with him and tell him everything that is inside of my heart. I want hugs, kisses, and smiles from him. I once told a friend that this guy is like the sun, he brightens up my day every time I see him. I want to be closer to him ,even if just as friends but it seems like we are going in different directions since we have different schedules are are both busy, I never get to see him often and I wish I could tell him I miss. Two problems with this, is that one her has a girlfriend. They have been together for over two years, and he seems like he wants to marry her. Two, he would never think that I like him. He thinks my ideal guy is tall, dark, and handsome, and yes in the past that was what I thought. I’ve grown up since then, and realize there is so much more to a person than those kind of things. I love his personality, his charisma, his sincerity, his generosity, and everything in between.

Sometimes, I wish I could just tell him that I like him ,and I don’t know what to do about it. But I am not stupid enough to make things awkward or tense between us, nor am I into stealing other peoples boyfriends (even though I highly doubt I have a chance). I jsut want to tell him what is in my heart so I can find a way to let it go, I want to just be able to say the words even though I know his response won’t be the same. But I;m not brave enough to tell him that, maybe after we graduate and I know I’ll never have to see him again. Even though that is cowardly, I still want to do it. Maybe, a year from now my heart will feel differently, but right now as much as I want to deny it or as much as I tell myself I don’t like him. Deep inside I think the reality is that I like him more than I want to, and he’s an example (even with his 5″10, Blond, Blue eyed looks) of the kind of guy I hope I get to love in my lifetime.

My sister says I’ll meet a guy a million times better even if I don’t get this one, and if I do I think I would be the luckiest woman in this world to have such a man as my own. My heart feels at ease sharing this with you all, and I know there are others out there who have all these feelings rolling around inside you with no place to go, feel free to share it here. Your secret is safe with me. Because liking/loving someone is a choice we all make, and you cannot expect the other person to like/love you just because you have those feelings. Every heart belongs to that individual to make that decision of who to like/love. I hope one day you find a heart entwined with yours in mutual like/love. I hope I find that person who will be my best friend and the person I can trust with my fragility.

I can’t tell my heart not to like his heart, that will take time, and so I am going to let my heart have these feelings, but keep them inside until they disappear or I find a heart that is truly mine to love.

My prayers are always with you all, and may your Thursday night be blessed!!

~ by tsunamiblues on January 17, 2008.

5 Responses to “Ramblings on a Thursday (1/17/08)”

  1. Reading your blog becomes a part of my daily routine. Everyday before I get a grip with my work, I tried to check your daily updates. I don’t know
    how to call but the first time that I have found your blog site. I was kind of enthralled by your own experiences. It seems like I saw myself in you.
    I smile. I laugh and shared the sadness that you felt when the world seems to be on your shoulder. I don’t know how to call it but everytime i feel down you uplift me through your article. Hope we could be friends!!!!!

    © Ashley

    I have a friend
    Who is perfect for me
    She listens to all my problems
    No matter how dumb they may be

    She likes herself for who she is
    And never tries to change
    She tells me to be myself
    And that I should never change

    She was shy on the phone
    But she would still call
    And we would talk for hours
    About nothing at all

    We would talk about love and life
    And discuss what we wanted to be
    She knew just how I felt
    And how happy I could be

    She listens to me patiently
    But never judges what I do or say
    She helped with all my problems
    And never went away

    I never once felt judged by her

  3. Thoughts to ponder:
    “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

    ” What doesn’t kill you makes you wan’t to kill yourself”


  4. Enjoy your day and have a great, great weekend!!!!!!

  5. One of the reasons I decided to write a blog, instead of just in a journal was so that I could touch someone’s life and/or help them through the struggles I’ve been through and what they are going through. I am glad that you enjoy my blog, and I think sharing my experiences is both a medicine for me and my readers.

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