Daily Dose: The Emptiness Inside of Me

Do you ever fee empty, almost as if you have a black hole inside of you? Do you ever feel unfulfilled, or lost about your life? Well if you do, you are far from alone in feeling that way. I used to think that I was just feeling sadness, but I have been realizing that it really is a feeling of unfulfillment in my life that makes me feel so empty sometimes.

I go to school, work, clubs, volunteer, and do other things but I still feel empty inside sometimes. I feel like there is nothing about me that makes much of a difference in the world right now. That might not be true, and others would disagree, but since I’m the one writing I will say it like I feel. I do this I do that ,but I just feel like if I were to die today would anyone besides my family and true friends mourn my passing. That is probably a horrible thing to say, but I’m trying to bare my soul so give me a moment. Does my life matter? Does my existence matter? Does my contributions matter? Do I matter? Does my voice matter? Does my presence impact someone’s life? Those are the questions, I ask myself, and in all honesty I don’t really know how important or unimportant I am to others, but to myself I feel unfulfilled when I look in the mirror.

I look at my reflection, and think to myself who is this woman staring back at me and what does she have to offer the world. How will I be remembered in the years to come, and what makes me so sad sometimes is that people who think they know me, have no clue about who I really am. If they read my blog, they would be shocked that I feel how I feel. I guess it is partly my fault for not letting them past my defenses. But, I’ve put them there for a reason, and haven’t found the courage to break them down. However, it is partly their own fault for only looking at the surface of a person.

When I am in the world, I look around at the people passing by me and think to myself; what is their story. Are they just trying to make it through each day? Are they crying inside because they don’t want anyone to see their tears? Are they happy, lonely, sad, scared, hurt, miserable, lost, insecure, and so on? We never really know what the person next to us is facing, because we 1) Don’t take the time to look deeply instead of just glancing by 2) They put on a facade to show the world, because the world doesn’t seem to want to see behind the mask. How many people right now, are sitting in bed thinking is life really worth living? How many people are crying themselves to sleep for the third night in a row? How many people are carrying old wounds, broken hearts, and messy scars with them? Too many, too many people are like this, like me, and my heart aches for you. It aches for your tears, suffering, bitterness, anger, desperation, self-hatred, it aches for all the sadness and pain you’ve gone through.

When people look at me they only see strength, but they fail to realize that the strength I have is only skin deep. On the inside, I’m like everyone else weak from my wounds, bitter from my past, and lost going towards on unknown future. But, I am still fighting for what I want. I am still seeking my fulfillment in this lifetime, and I pray that I have it before my time ends. If life wasn’t hard sometimes, we would never learn to be grateful for the good times, happy times, and loving times. There is so much cruelness in this world, it scares me, but I rebuke it in Jesus’ name from touching our lives. God knows my pain, your pain, and our pain. It will not last forever, one day we will see the beginning of better days. You have to realize life is like a roller coaster, you have the ups,down, twists, and turns to face because life cannot and will not be a smooth ride. No matter how hard you wish for it to be, you will still have your trials to face, but you can and WILL get through it.

Yes, some have it harder than others, some suffer more than others, and no it is not fair, but it is life. Your reward awaits you in Heaven, so be patient and try to make the most out of this lifetimes. Love deeply, dream greatly, be compassionate, truly forgive as much and as many as you can, go after what you want with courage and wisdom. Sometimes, you will face obstacles and failures, but you will be stronger from it. Those that do not face tribulations do not experience the true beauty of happiness.

So, what do I do about feeling unfulfilled with my life besides writing about it, I try to find what will give me fulfillment in my life. What makes me happy, what gives me peace. and most of all what gives me warmth. It is that warmth that will fill the hole inside of your heart. For me, writing gives me fulfillment. I’m a person that seems outgoing, and I am, but there is this sincere shyness that few people see inside of me. Writing allows me to express myself in a way that gives me peace in my soul ,and takes away the chaos in my mind. Poetry, allows me to show the world, that I am more than what your eyes see, I am a person with many layers, and you haven’t even discovered the first one.

There are times when I want to open up my heart to someone and let them see what is inside, but as I look around me I realize that there in no one there to give it to. I have my family, and my friends, but they don’t understand me. They see me the way they want to see me, and after that they don’t see the other pieces that are a part of me. I told someone, that if I were a flower I would be a late bloomer. All the other flowers would have already shown the world there beauty while mine still wasn’t discovered. My point, is that we all have our time, place, path, journey for whatever, whoever, and wherever we should be. Don’t get discouraged that you haven’t found the one yet. Or that you haven’t found your place in the world yet. You will find it, have the faith and courage to believe in the beauty that lies inside all our hearts. You matter, in this world you matter to at least one person, and God has always seen you as someone special.

In those moments when you feel like you don’t matter remember that YOUR LIFE MATTERS. Your beautiful in your own right, your beauty starts from the inside to the outside of your body. When you feel like your strength is about to vanish, don’t you dare give up. God has given you strength to last as long as you need it. When you can no longer fight the battle, let God me your shield and keep pressing on. When the tears seem like they just won’t stop and your heart feels like it will never recover take a deep breathe, close your eyes, and let it out. Cry as long as you need to, scream as loud as you can until the remnants of your soul heals. We are all going through something, so please remember to show kindness to those suffering. Be a friend, when they have none. You can make a difference in someone’s life. I can make a difference, we all can make a difference so please don’t let sorrow or fear take control of you.

One day the emptiness will disappear and you will be overflowing past the brink. One day the tears will lessen, and you’ll be able to pick up the pieces of your life and start over. Keep pressing forward towards those days, and don’t let anyone step over you, your dreams, or your life.

If your like me, your scared to take that leap of faith and keep going forward, but you have to, you have to take it, because as you look at the road behind you there is nothing worth going back to. My heart hurts too, my eyes are filled with tears as well, I’m scared too, but even with the fear I will not give up. I will not give up on my dreams, my love, my future, or my present. I’ve been there, that point where it seems like your all alone in the world and everyone else it moving past you. But, I didn’t succumb to the darkness, I’m still fighting for my happiness and you need to fight for yours too.

I pray that the Lord keep you in your time(s) of need, that he restore your soul, be your shield against adversaries. May the Lord give your warmth to last through the coldness of the world. You must find your place in this world, don’t give up and remember you MATTER, and you are NOT ALONE in the fight.

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 12, 2008.

7 Responses to “Daily Dose: The Emptiness Inside of Me”

  1. Your blog never failed to inspire me. Keep on writing!!!You are blessing to everyone.

  2. Thanks, I am glad if I`can help even one person feel less alone.

  3. i though it was quite good untill u brought religion in to it… it really did touch me… talk about a Deja vu… seriously having a hard time… but dont take to much wait… u will burn out if u overload… some times… u just need to be loved for who u are…

  4. I was told “the greatest blessing is to be a blessing to others” thanks. I feel and have hope of filling that emptiness. though Lonliness has been the order of my day. however, now i know there is light after the dark tunnel.
    stay blessed

  5. hi, i am going to some rough time and i sure feel so empty, alone, scared and an overwhelming fear seems to enveloping the whole of me. You’re blog made me feel at ease and thank you for being a blesing to other people like me. Keep writing.

  6. I know this is back from 2008, but I am just reading this blog today and I truly understand how you felt at the time you wrote your posting. What are you doing now?

    • Alicia,

      I read that blog entry again before replying to your comment. First, thank you. I was having a bad moment and reading what my younger self wrote helped me brighten that dark moment. As far as who/how I am now. I’m still fighting to fill up that emptiness inside of me It’s not filled up yet, but slowly and surely with each new experience I fill it up a little more. I’m discovering my place in the world, and learning to be honest with myself, and follow my heart. That emptiness still nags me, but I am doing my best to discover what I love, what I;m passionate about, what/who I want to fight for, and I know one day I will be overflowing. So to sum it up I’m discovering right now…

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