I am ready for L.O.V.E right? Umm…no way am I ready…

I think I will be writing a few blogs tonight, to really get all these thoughts out of my head. I have no clue when it started; the thinking about Mr. Right, Dream Man, Future Husband, and blah….balh, blah, but it doesn’t seem to stop. I keep thinking when am I going to be in a relationship? When am I going to get married? When am I going to hold a guy’s hand? When am I going to finally have my first kiss? When, Who, What, Where, are all going through my head over and over and over.

However, I am realizing that even if I want love to come sweep me off my feet, even if I want those moments of love , even if I want to be someone’s significant other, I am not ready for it. I am not ready for love, to love someone, be loved by someone, give my heart away, and so on. I am not ready to put someone before myself, and have to deal with what comes with loving someone. For someone who wants to love and be loved by someone, it is really hard and weird to say that I am not ready to trust someone with my heart, my life, my family, or my love.

That is the first time, I am saying (well writing) that little bit of honest truth about myself. How did I come about this revelation? The other day I was sitting around thinking about this and that, when I started to think about what it means to love someone. I think before you can truly love someone else, you have to:

1) Love yourself inside and outside, and everything in between

2) Find your pace in your walk with God

3) Live your life for yourself first

I have not reached any of those points in my life yet, so I really don’t think my heart is ready to care for another’s just yet. I don’t think I can love someone else yet because I haven’t accepted myself yet, and learned to love me for who I am and who I am not. What I am, and what I am not too. I know, that’s pretty sad and pathetic of me, right! Well, it’s better to be honest than to keep lying to myself about how I feel. There are a lot of things I don’t like about myself, and until I can either change them or accept that is who I am, I cannot look in the mirror and truly smile at the person staring back at me. I’m not even sure how you learn to love yourself, or if it is even something that you can learn, but I am working on loving myself first, so I have no room to give my heart away just yet.

I’m still finding my pace on my walk with God. God, has been faithful and merciful upon this undeserving soul and I cannot begin to thank him enough for his goodness and kindness in my life. I am trying to do away with some worldly influence and find my relationship with my God. I don’t want to have doubts, or question His ability to touch my life, but I have then and I do questions Him. I need to read the bible more ,and let God take control of my life, but being a control freak I am having a hard time doing that. My precious God, forgive this stubborn soul for causing you trouble.

I haven’t lived my life for myself yet, you know what I mean. Doing the things I want to do, learning about the real world, traveling, and just doing what makes ME happy. I haven’t learned what I want or need in my life to make ME happy, so I can’t think about someone else’s happiness just yet.

I want love, but I think I still have some time before it comes then. I’m learning I cannot live my life waiting for love, instead I just have to LIVE MY LIFE, and see how everything else unfolds. I don’t know what my future holds, but I can make my present the way I want it to be. When it is time, your love will find a way to you, or you will find a way to him/her.

May God grant you a love that spans over generations, to your children, and to your grandchildren, may the see the love you two have for each other. Because love is no longer about me, I, he, she,his ,hers, and so on. Love makes life all about we, us, our, and if your not ready for that maybe our not ready for love.

This doesn’t mean you cannot look, or that you shouldn’t hope or love. It just means that you shouldn’t let it consume your thoughts, or let it become this fear inside of your heart. Enjoy being alone, but not being lonely. You have your friends and your family, but most of all you have yourself. So learn to enjoy just being by yourself. I love shopping and seeing movies by myself, even though I know some people who would never do that. However, sometimes in this world you will only be able to depend on yourself, you need to prepare for those times, and be comfortable in your own skin.

Best of luck!!

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 11, 2008.

3 Responses to “I am ready for L.O.V.E right? Umm…no way am I ready…”

  1. I couldn’t agree with you more… your views on love are astounding!! I understand where you are coming from

  2. Wow…a google search for “I don’t think I can love” came up with your blog entry. I feel the exact same way. I really like the way you explained things here. After letting it soak for about an hour, it has certainly brought clarity and given me some hope for the future…

  3. Corey, I am glad that I could give you some clarity. I am not sure what your situation is but I will say do what feels right and best for you. Your happiness should be first!

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