Daily Dose: Thoughts on a Sunday…

The semester has come to an end and I am back home for a month. Grade wise the semester turned out to be better than I had thought. I owe that completely to God’s mercy upon my life. Without him there is no way I would have been able to do well, especially with all the confusion inside of my head these past few months. So what is going on inside this maze called my mind? Well…

Yesterday, I went to a wedding, and it was truly a beautiful occasion, because the bride and groom were a pair created by God himself, and it was a wonderful privilege to be able to watch them pledge their love and their loves to each other. I had a lot of fun, but whenever I go to weddings I always end up thinking about when will it be my turn. Will I even get married in the future? I truly hope that God has created my partner for life, and that I will get married. But sometimes I think, maybe this life was meant for something else, and maybe I won’t get married. Then I think, who is the man I will marry? My mom would like nothing more than for me to marry one of the guys I grew up with, but like most things you never know until it is the designated time. God must get annoyed with my impatience, I know that I am only twenty and have a lot of things to do before getting married, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it and wondering who is meant to be by my side. In my heart I want to marry my best friend, the guy that understands me the most, loves me the deepest, and is in God’s own image.

I remember the days when all I cared about was how he looked on the outside, but as I grow older and wiser I have learned how much more it means from the inside. Instead of caring how his face looks, I care more about his heart, mind, and soul. The things that truly make a person beautiful. Of course, we see with our eyes first, so looks will always come into consideration, but I think that after we see with our hearts we will either see the true beauty or ugliness inside of a person. Now, when I imagine the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with, his kindness and sincerity mean the most. The thoughtfulness he shows and the understanding he gives to others will make him stand out to me. A man who can make me laugh and smile even when I feel like crying. Someone who knows when to say something, and when to just stay silently by my side. Someone who I can be proud to take home to my mother, knowing he will treat her as well as his own mother. Someone I can share life’s triumphs and obstacles with. Someone who makes the perfect melody with my heart, where no other melody sounds like ours and it only get s more beautiful with time. After, the wedding I left having hope and faith that one day sooner or later my day will come and I will be marrying my best friend. Until then I just have to live my life honestly, and be true to my heart in all the things I do.

Yesterday, I had a bit of a revelation about myself. Even in the midst of my family and friends I felt alone. I know that I shouldn’t have felt that way, but it is my own mind that I have to work on. I think the reason I feel alone sometimes is because I can’t let myself go. I am holding myself back from enjoying life and I have to figure out how to make it stop. It is a matter of self-confidence I think, the ability to trust in myself and what I have to offer the world. I don’t know why I am so insecure about who I am but I will try and find a way to break the cycle. I felt disconnected from the people around me and felt like I didn’t really have anyone that I could be myself with. Everyone sees what they want to see, but I don’t think there is a single person that sees the whole me. The person that know me best is probably my older sister, but even then there is a lot she doesn’t see or know. I can’t really blame anyone because 1) I don’t say what is in m heart 2) They have their own troubles to deal with. I just wish and pray that one day someone will know who I really am, and that I will be able to love who I am and come to terms with who I am not.

There are so many contradicting thoughts going on inside of me, that I am confused as to which one is reality and which one I should listen to. It makes me get frustrate with myself for being so wishy-washy but it’s a battle I still have to overcomes. This battle within myself is something that will take time, changes, and most of all honesty. I feel like I am lying to myself, and not being honest with what I want, what I really, really, really, want from my life. I guess I’m scared to want what I do, because having dreams so big can be so disappointing in the end. I worry that I am trying to limit God’s ability, but I feel like I have to be honest about the reality of life. It’s disappointing most of the time, at least from what I have experienced in my twenty years of life. If there was a song to describe the me right now it would we Sia’s Breathe me, the lyrics exemplify the feelings in my heart so well. That is why I love music so much, it take my feelings and puts them into poetic words that touch lives including my own.

What I really hate is that I know what I need to do or what needs to change, but I have no clue about how to go about it. That is what really irks me, or I’ll try but in the end the result is not successful. Why is life so frustrating? So complicated? So saddening?

I’m too tired to write anymore and to frustrated to put it into words. I want to fly free, but I haven’t learned how to leave my cage.

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~ by tsunamiblues on December 16, 2007.

3 Responses to “Daily Dose: Thoughts on a Sunday…”

  1. The first time I have found your blog, I felt like a found a friend. I don’t know how to call it but your blog also expresses some of my thoights and
    worries. When you felt down and sad, I was also crying with you. Today while writing this I felt so down and low. I just felt so frustrated with my
    job and the pressures that was brought with it. I felt like I don’t have the right to commit mistakes. People expected that you have to do your job well or else you will lose it. Yesterday I really cried because i was overpowered by my fear. I know I have to overcome it and learn and
    master it. I know everything will come to pass. I just hope I could pass this test. Please pray for me.

  2. Dear Lord, in this world there are so many frustrated souls reaching out for someone to see them and save them from their misery, like me they feel lost in the craziness of the world we live in, please touch Jane and help her to find the strength and courage to overcome her fear and trust that if she has the will you will make a way for her to get through it with wisdom and grace. Stay, by her side guiding her and giving her you light to shine brightly in the darkness. With this I pray, heavenly father, AMEN.

  3. Well, I find it extraordinarily interesting.Good luck to all of you. And I’m sure you’ll do fine. Really. Just fine.

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