Daily Dose: Late Night/Early Morning musings…

Well it is 12:17 AM, and I am still awake. I had my two hard finals today, so I let myself take a midday nap. Falling asleep to music is one of the simple pleasures of my life. I think if I didn’t have music, my world would be a dark place to be in. Music gives me peace, understanding, and inspiration. As a writer I find is so amazing to be able to convey words with music and make it into a masterpiece. At the moment I am in love with The First King’s Four God’s/The Legend OST. I really love instrumentals, but it is hard to find ones that I like, but this OST has so many beautiful ones.

So what is going on in my mind today? By now if you read my blog you know that I am a deep thinker; a trait that is both a curse and a blessing, but mine to bear. I am feeling a bit of self-pity, a questioning of where I belong in this big world, and most all of all wishing I had someone I could share my thoughts with in person. I am grateful though for those who read my blogs and make me feel less alone. I know I am not the only lonely soul out there, and I pray that we all find our place in the world.

As the semester comes to an end I reflect back on all that has happened to me in the space of six months. This has been the most challenging time of my life, and I am hoping that when the new year starts I will be working towards making sure that whatever comes my way I can get through it, and with God’s grace I will get through it. It was like being on a never ending roller coaster full of loops and going down to the point that I felt so sick inside. I would wake up with this enormous amount of anguish inside my heart that some days I couldn’t breathe and literally thought I would suffocate from the stress around me. I sometimes thought dying would be better than living my days like this, but even then I didn’t give in completely to the darkness around me. It was hard, it is hard but no matter what I believe that God will see me through anything He brings my way. It might not be the way I like or at the time that I want but I know that He  will never let go of my hand or my life. I still have days when life seems to be unbearable and I just want to close my eyes and lie down for as long as possible listening to the melodies of my heart and just being able to rest my heart.

I’m learning that I have a lot of growing up to do on the inside before I can be the woman that I want to be. I’m learning to be honest with myself, and with the ugliness inside of me. There is a lot of things I wish were not true about myself but I am realizing trying to pretend that it doesn’t exist only makes it harder to triumph over it. I internalize my pain and bottle up my feelings in frustration and it makes me sick from the inside out. I feel like know one understands the words I am speaking, but I know that someone out there hears me and that I just have to hold on and be strong. I don’t love myself, and I know that I have to find that love for who I am, and be able to accept who I am not. I close my eyes and dream of how I wish my life to be, but I know that wishes and dreams are not always what they seem, and that in time my path will find me or I will find my way to it. I am fighting this internal battle within myself and I know that I have to stop and just learn to find my happiness. There are wounds in my heart from the past that have effected who I am today, and I think I need to come to terms with my past so that I can learn to live fully in my present.

I want to be well from the inside out, and be able to do the things that make me happy and find a balance in my life with school, work, life, and social matters. I want to smile and laugh with my whole heart and just find that serenity that I know who I am and where my place is in the world. I pray that God just touches my life and my heart with the wisdom to seek and understand myself and humbleness to see the world around me without judgement. I need to stop being my worst enemy and learn to be my best friend. I criticize myself from the inside out, for not being smarter, prettier, slimmer, cooler, and the list goes on. This has caused me to see myself as this ugly human being and I know that I cannot do that because I have to love myself when no one else will and take care of me.

There are a lot of changes I want to make, and I know that it takes time to do those things so I want to trust in God and myself and open my eyes to the possibilities in my life. It is hard to become someone you want to be when the world is pulling you in so many different directions and people see you in so many different ways. It had made me question who I am, and what I stand for, but I am going to try to find those things again.

Another thing that is on my mind is where I belong in the world. The world is such a huge place filled with a lot of beauty as well as sadness. There is just so much to the earth and I feel like I don’t know where I fit in, or where I should be. I know that only time will tell where life will take me, but I still want that sense of knowing that this is where I belong and that I have a place here. Sometimes I think life is so short and other times it is so long. Right now I feel like it is very short. There are so many things I want to do before I die, but I know that it will be impossible to do even half of them. Life puts boundaries on how far your dreams can take you. I want to travel and see all the varieties in the world from the music and food to the cultures and people who are part of them. I want to go to Kenya, England, South Korea, Italy, France, Spain, and so many other places before my time is up. I just feel like time is the enemy. It would take more that just this one lifetime to be able to do and see all the things the world has to offer. I just hope that I can life my life in a way that leave behind lasting memories for the people around me. I want to find where I belong, and what my purpose is. I am standing at a road with no direction of which way is the way I should go. I am just standing on the road as the cars pass me by waiting for a sign of what I should do. I worry that I am heading in a direction that is not the right one. I worry in what I am doing now is the life I am supposed to have. Is my major right for me? Should I be here? Am I doing the right thing? I ask myself these questions but have no confidence in my answers.

No one would ever guess that I would be saying something like this, if they read this blog they would think that this couldn’t be me. But the truth is that I am not sure of anything right now, and that I am searching for my patch of happiness and peace just like everyone else. I have dreams and fears like all human beings do. I have moments of desperation and sadness inside of me. I am seeking with my whole heart for God to hear me and help me along the way. I pray that when I get older and look back on the 20 year old me I can say I got through it and found my peace with the world and myself. I found the me that I was searching for, I know where I belong and who I belong next to. I hope I can so those words in the future.

~ by tsunamiblues on December 8, 2007.

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