Daily Dose: The Mystery of myself

I wish I could just stop time and take a moment to figure out everything before it starts up again. It is hard to try to find yourself when the world is pulling you in so many directions and you are trying to decide which one is the right one for you. I just want to close my eyes and learn to breathe deeply again. To absorb the light around me and not be so overwhelmed with the darkness.

There is so many things that need to be done and I don’t have a chance to just fix myself when I either have to go to class, work, or meetings. I just want to have some time to figure out what I am missing or what it is that I really want out of my life. I am still questioning and searching for the future that is mine to have. I don’t know why I feel this way, and it gets to be so frustrating wanting to change but knowing you don’t have to time to make those changes. Or knwing that you want to change and not knowing how to change. Is it that I am just like this by nature or has life dealt me scars for life? I want to feel happy, but I don’t even know what I think happiness is.

Happiness is something different to everyone, and trying to find out how to be happy is challenging. I want to figure out what is it that I am seeking so desperately to feel this way. I have lost confidence in my ability to carve out my place in this world. Everyone sees me as someone I don’t feel like. I don’t feel smart, courageous, or anything like that.

I feel inadequate most of the time, I want to be someone who stands out among everyone else, but I feel like I just blend into the crowd. My heart is crying out, and I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know what to do, is it just this age that makes me like this? Why did God bring me to life? I feel like my purpose isn’t clear; maybe I am expecting too much right now and just need to take a step back.

Life is so frustrating right now for me. My heart is painful and my mind is so chaotic I feel like it is going to explode and leave me to face the aftermath. I think I need to stop waiting for someone to come and save me. I am romantic enough to think that someone out there will see my sorrow and come to my rescue. I want to be able to rely and my own strength but it seems like I have none left. How can I believe in myself again?

It is like I hate myself for not being what I am not. I hate myself for the things I lack, and feel so envious of others. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but these are the thoughts in my head. I feel so alone in this world. There is no one that I can really talk to or be honest with about what is going on inside of me. How I wish there was someone I could confide my sadness in. Someone who could hear my burdens and I don’t have to worry about them judging me.

Someone who could see this ugliness and darkness hidden inside of me without flinching. There is this deep darkness around me and I am scared that it will cover me up and I won’t be able to break free from that mental prison of sadness and fear. My heart feels like it is going to crash and leave me numb. I know things will get better, but it just hurts so much right now. I want to change things but I don’t know how to, I don’t know who to open up to or ask for help.

I don’t know how to find that strength and confidence in myself or the motivation to go after my dreams and find my way towards my goals. I feel lost in the maze of life and have not found the exit or right path to tread. I want to scream out this agony but would it even make a difference?

Why does no one see me? Why does no one hear my sorrow or see the tears beneath the smiles? Is the mask upon my face really that believable that you cannot look beneath the surface and find me? I don’t think I can do it by myself, but I don’t know where to turn or who to turn to. I hate myself for being like this but I am in need of someone to lean on, I don’t know how to find my way out of this sadness.

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 29, 2007.

One Response to “Daily Dose: The Mystery of myself”

  1. You know what I’ve been following your blog. In fact, I would say that you are not alone. I know that each of us has its own vulnerablities but please
    don’t be too hard with yourself. Learn to see the bright side of life.

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