Daily Dose: The edge of reason

I feel like I am standing on that edge of reason, and if I slip off I think I will end up going crazy. I am so close to falling down that cliff into the sea of sorrow and dreamless waters. Everyday is a battle for me to keep going, it is easier some days and other days everything just gets to me and I feel like my heart cannot take it anymore. I know that there are other’s out there like me, and it makes me sad to think that someone else is suffering like this, because it truly is unbearable and debilitating.

Today I just felt so tired; my mind was tired, my soul was tired, my heart was tired. I was tired from the inside out and everything in between. Sometimes I just want to ask someone to just take me in their arms and hold me, even if it for a minute, just to hold me and not say anything. I feel so cold all the time, as if my insides are lacking warmth. I feel so overwhelmed with each day. Everyday saps all my strength, and I feel so close to slipping of that edge of reason into the rushing waves below. I feel suffocated and sometimes my heart literally hurts to the point that I feel like I am going to die.

I wish it was as easy as pushing a button or snapping my fingers to feel better, but no matter how much I try there are days when nothing will make me feel better. Those are the hardest days; when I realize that something just isn’t right. Those are the days when the weakness that is so apparent in me begins to show. Those are the days when my mind is chaotic. Those are the days when I just feel so sad and want to just cry and cry and cry.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy? Why is my heart so troubled? Why am I so scared to go after what I want? Why am I letting myself suffer like this? I just want it to stop, I just want it to all stop. I want to feel this weight leave me, and for me to be able to breathe again. I just don’t know what to do to make it all stop. I don’t know how to get this feeling out of me. The feeling of being chained to my limitations. On the outside I seem so strong, but inside that is far from the truth. I am not strong, I am so desperately weak. I wish I wasn’t but I am; everyday is a battle to make it through that day.

I wan to be this person that matters, someone who can really change the world, but when I look in the mirror I see failure staring back at me. I want to feel alive, I want to feel like I am truly living. I want to be happy and not so saddened by by lack of perfectionist traits. I don’t know what to do, I am so lost within myself. I am just so tired of it all, I just wish this pain would stop. Everything is piling on me and I feel like I am going to crumble under the weight. There is so much to do and God I don’t know if I can get it all done. After one thing comes another and I feel like one day I am just going to burnout from it all. I don’t know how to catch up. I don’t know how to put my life back in order again. I don’t know how to put myself back in order again. I am do broken and I don’t even know why. I am so lost and I don’t even know how I strayed of the path I was on. I want to save myself, but I feel like I won’t be able to do it alone. I am so tired of being alone, even when people are around me I feel so alone.

I feel so isolated  from them, and trapped in this chained world of fear and weakness. I don’t know how to break down the walls and find my liberation. I want to give up the fight, but in truth I want to win this battle and move forward. I just don’t know how…

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 9, 2007.

5 Responses to “Daily Dose: The edge of reason”

  1. Whenever I feel this way, I say my Serenity Prayer:

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

  2. I know that prayer….maybe I should start saying it.

  3. Please don’t be despaired. You know something or rather someone has brought us together — Lee Ji-Hoon. 3 perfect strangers and yet he brought me to your site. Here’s something I came across on YouTube. Maybe it can cheer you up:

  4. Thanks!!!

  5. Haven’t read your blog in a while. Be strong though, sorry times are rough.

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