DAILY DOSE: THE CHAOS INSIDE ME…

It has been a long time since I have written here, and even though I wanted to, I just didn’t. There is so much going on inside of me, and around me that my mind is in chaos and what makes it so sad is that no one really sees it.

As I went through my day today, I just kept thinking that no one really sees me or knows who I am. All they see is this facade that is only one aspect of me. On the outside I might look okay, sound okay, act like everything is great, but inside it is completely the opposite. I honestly feel like I am in pain. Not the kind of pain that you get when you physically get hurt, but emotionally I am in so much pain. I’ve been realizing lately that how I am feeling is more than the average person feels when they are sad, and I am trying to take steps towards seeking help and talking to someone about it.

A few minutes ago I actually broke down and cried, lately whenever I cry it doesn’t seem to be enough, I have so much in me and the tears are never enough. My heart is racing inside and it physically is aching. I am being pulled in too many directions and I don’t know which way to go. Life is so complicated, and I know that I have it better than some and worse than others. But that doesn’t make how I feel less real, it’s not just a phase to me. I feel like there is something really wrong with me, that I have been denying it for too long and I am tired of saying I am okay, when I am so not okay.

I really am not okay and I don’t want to keep pretending that I am. But I don’t want the people I care about to worry about me, or worse to say that how I am feeling is not real. I can’t explain it in complete words but sometimes I feel like I am losing control. I have been looking at general anxiety disorders and I think I might fit that category, It scares me to think that there is something wrong with me. But I am more scared of denying that there is something there and sinking more into this darkness.

I am scared that I might be depressed, even saying that makes me worry. But I don’t know how to get past this point. My moods fluctuate daily. I can go from happy to sad in minutes. I can be calm one moment and then everything just gets to be too much and I feel like I am suffocating. I don’t feel happy, I don’t even know what happiness is. I feel so empty most of the time and I just want to fill myself up and feel alive. I just don’t feel good, and I don’t feel right. I am always worrying about school, my mom, my family, my future, my present, everything and anything makes me worry. I wake up every morning filled with this sick dread of the day to come, all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep to day away. I am always tired. The kind of tired that is seeped into every part of my body. I always want to sleep, and it is effecting my life, because I can’t get the things I need to get done, done. Every day for me is a battle to keep going, and sometimes I jsut want to give up on my dreams and my future and just be a simple person.

I want to scream and scream, but I can’t. I want to just let it out but it stays buried inside me. I scare myself sometimes, I have always felt different, but lately I feel painfully different from everyone. I feel so fake and I hate the person I am right now, but I don’t know how to change. I have so many things to do, and not enough time to do it. I have a test tomorrow that I still need to study for. I have projects, homework, clubs, and so many things. I feel selfish because I don’t spend enough time with my friends and family. I feel so bad, I feel so sad, and I hate it. I hate it so much, but it doesn’t stop. The thoughts won’t go away. I am always thinking, and I can’t stop them. They are always there, I keep thinking something is really wrong with me. I am not normal, no matter how much I pray for God to make me better I still feel like this. I keep praying for God to give me his grace and mercy but I still am drowning beneath this current.

I always feel so cold, like nothing will ever warm me up. The kind of coldness that is inside me, more than outside. I want someone who is really warm to hold me, and let that warmness transfer over to me. I just want to be held and never let go off so I don’t fall again. I am not sure what I want, but I just feel like right now I am lost within myself and slowly dying. I feel like a zombie, I go through each day but I am not really alive. I laugh with you, smile with you but inside I am hurting more than those laughs and smiles you see I am crying. I am crying and no one sees it. I am tired, and I don’t know how to get energy back into me. It is like I am a broken toy, left to rot away with the garbage.

I am trying, I am really trying! But nothing is getting better, I am behind in school and because of how I am right now I might not pass a class and that is terrifying me. That is why I am trying to get help. because I know that I am heading towards a very destructive road. My mind is in chaos and I can’t stop it, it won;t stop and I am suffocating from everything.

I am scared that the people I love will go away, I am scared that something bad is going to happen, and if it does I really won’t be able to handle it. I can’t handle anything more happening. That is why I am begging God to please protect my family, they are the only thing that keeps me going. I don’t want to hurt them by telling them what I am feeling, but more than that I don’t think they’ll ever understand what is brewing inside of my soul. I am in a lot of emotional pain, and I don’t even know how to save myself from it.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 17, 2007.

One Response to “DAILY DOSE: THE CHAOS INSIDE ME…”

  1. I don’t know you, but I know what you feel. Do not let the beast of melancholy defeat you. You have Jesus on your side, and with Him, you are already the victor of these battles. Just do not rely on your own strength, because that will fail. I have done that, and my life crumbled. No, only God’s strength and love is strong enough to keep you standing, and He is the rock that can end this turbulence.

    I hope you feel better. Don’t worry, God is faithful.

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