Daily Dose: The trials of being me…

Where do I begin? I have so much stuff on my mind concerning life, school, and pretty much everything you can think of times an infinite amount. As you can see my brain is ready for a huge meltodown. This is going to be a long blog, so I thank you in advance for lsitening to my ramblings.

Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are? Where you come from? Where your going? Or even where you belong? I have always felt like I knew where I was going, and that I was securer in who I was. But it seems like those facades have long since vanishes; and I am just left with the nakedness of my soul. I don’t know who I am or what I want. I not sure of my present, which makes the future that much blurrier. I am terrified of failure even before I try to achieve something. I am feeling unmotivated in my school work which causes me to stress when I have to get it done. I just feel like it is pointless and then I get frustrated with myself for not getting the things I need to get done out of the way. I want to scream but my lungs won’t cooperate. I feel like there is this huge nuclear bomb inside of me and one of these days I am going to explode, and destroy myself. I don’t know what to do, and even when I try to change, it never happens.

I am scared, mind-numbingly scared of not achieving something in my life, but right now I feel lost as to what I want to achieve. I am searching for myself but have no clue what direction I should be looking in. I look in the mirror and wonder about the person staring back at me with eyes filled up with questions. I am a question with no answers, a puzzle without any peices. I just want to feel normal and stop resorting back to these feelings of anxiety. I want to just feel alive and not like the living dead. I want to just live life without questioning everything

One of my biggest problems is that I woory about everything. I mean from when I should go grocery shopping to when I will get married. I am constantly thinking and I don’t know how to stop. I just want to stop and breathe. I am always saying that, because I feel like I am suffocating from the indiside out. I just can’t get enough air inside of me. I feel bone-weary tired, and all I want to do is sleep and sleep till my body rejuvinates itself. I want to just take a break from it all and relax. I want to stop feeling tense and scared about my life and everything in it.

I wake up worrying and I go to sleep worrying every single day. I feel like I am going crazy. No matter how much  pray or how much I try to relax I just cannot. There is no time for that between homework, work, class, and more homework. From the minute I get up it is time to do something. I feel like I am drowning, and the weight of my lifei s crushing me to the deepest depths. I want to be okay, I want to be relaxed, I want to be confident again. I want to become a beautiful person inside and out. Right now I feel very ugly inside. I feel so ugly inside my body, mind,. and soul. I am filled with all this negative energy and I have no clue how to get rid of it. I am scared of what this will do to me.

School really is becoming crazy for me. I am in my third year in college and feel like it is all too much. I am not sure of my future, even though it is fast approaching. I feel like it is all going too fast, and I cannot seem to catch up. I want to work for a good comapny but am afriad I won’t get an internship.

I know these are irrational thoughts, but they are so prevelent in my mind, and what makes me want to cry and laugh is that no one who knows me sees this. There is a song about finding your wings, and I wish I could find mine. I want to find my wings and send it up to heaven. I want to fly and soar above the skies, but I am stuck here. I feel trapped inside of my body, and I need somee to help me release myself from the wounds that I haveinflicted on my mind. I cannot seem to stop this negatve though process. I cannot seem to stop worrying. I am so tired of everything, butm ost of all I am tired of not being able to move past this stumbling block.

What I am saying is that I need help. I want help to become a person again. I want to learn not to worry so much and just enjoy my life. I want to learn how to be fre within the barriers set. I want to live life instead of just watching it pass me by. I want to learn how to appreciate the little things that make life worth lving. Instead of focusing on the bad things that make me want to give up on my dreams. I am saying that I am lost and I need help to find my way, I cannot do this alone is one thing I know for sure. I am trying and because I internalize everything it only gets worse. All I want to do is sleep it all away for a long time. All I want to do it rest my mind of the troubles of the world. I want to smile more, laugh more and be happy. I want to make happiness my choice not just an emotion. I want to be happy, feel happy, and make the people around me happy.

Knowing this isn’t enough. I have no clue what my next step should be or how to go about it. I want to make a change that impactso thers starting with myself. I want to learn how to interact and be confident again. I want to focus on doing my best and not competing with the people around me. I want to be less critical and pessimistic about myself. I want to feel good as myself, and not feel ubnsure of who I am. I want to be free from these mental chains of bondage. I want to get back what I have lost, which is myself. I want to be found, and I want to be strong. I want to find my inner peace and be okay with my life. Now you know my wants, but the question is how to I make it relaity? I need anwsers, I need to figure this out, because everyday feels like pain feeling this way.

I am filled with frustration and insecurity and I need someone to point me in the right direction. I have no one else to tell this to; so it stays bottled in my mind. My life is my stroy but I feel like I can’t make the pen write anything…..

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~ by tsunamiblues on September 25, 2007.

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