My Life so far…

So next week Wednesday I am going to turn two decades old, and I’m like what do I have to say about my twenty years of living. First of all. what the heck does it mean to really live? I go through each day, same routine, same classes, same troubles, is that living? I honestly don’t know if it is or isn’t really living.

When they say that college can either break you or make you they sure weren’t kidding. When they said that college will be the best and hardest years of our life, they had it right. College has been the best and hardest years of my life so far. I have learned a lot, but at the same time it is like I am rediscovering myself. Why is it that college has this ability to make you reconsider who you were, who you are,and who you will be?

I really thought I knew who I was when I started college, but these days I am not to sure about who I am, what I want, and where I’ll end up. Maybe no one is ever sure of who they really are. One thing I am sure of is that I am a complicated puzzle waiting to be figured out. I always feel like I am abnormally different from the people around me. When I was younger I thought I was adopted by my family. I have always felt like a stick out from people. Like I never truly fit in with them. It is crazy how many other people out there probably feel this way. Where do I belong? I ask myself that everyday. Who am I? I ask myself that everyday. Sometimes I will look into the mirror and not recognize the person staring back out at me.

It’s like I want time to speed up so I can be who I am going to be, and stop questioning myself. At the same time I want time to slow done and let me catch my breathe. I really drive myself crazy with my thoughts, but my brain never shuts off. I wish there was a on and off switch I could use. I keep thinking if everything I am doing really worth it? Is my future really what I am trying to make it be in the present? Do I really want to be what I am studying for? I keep asking myself what is it I am waiting for?

Too be honest, I am waiting for someone to see past my facade of serenity to the chaos lying just beneath the surface. I am waiting for someone to recognize me for who I am not who I appear to be. I am waiting for someone to see me; no one really sees me. The question, then is will someone ever come? I think I need to realize that depending on someone to see you is not going to help the situation. You have to see yourself first before you can expect someone else to see you. You have to realize who you are before you ask someone else to. You have to understand yourself before someone else can.

I feel like I am waiting for someone to rescue me, when in truth I need to rescue myself from my struggles. You can be your greatest friend or your greatest enemy. I am trying to realize that mind is really what can win over matter. Your thoughts, beliefs, and values all shape the way your bod responds to situation. I am trying to be more positive, and to realize that no one said I can’t do it but me. I am the one making myself miserable. I am the one making myself sad, I am the person who can change myself. If you are waiting for someone to change you, you’ll be waiting a long time if not forever.

You have to be the changer, you have to depend on yourself to heal yourself. Your only guide is God, and even then He will hand you the steering wheel and tell you to start going. God will be the wind in your sails, but you must take control of that ship and start going. We must all be the captains of our lives, we must all take it upon ourselves to go forward in the direction of our dreams and seek our own happiness. Be prepared for obstacles, because nothing that is worth something comes to you easily. Don’t be discouraged my dear friends, just remember that you are the captain and with God as your navigator you can get through it. You CAN get through it, you can get through the sadness, pain, depression, fear, failure, trauma, and whatever you have been through. No matter what it is you can still get up, dust yourself off and keep going. I know, believe me I know how hard it is to get back up, I know how much pain you are in, if it’s not your body it is your mind, if not that your heart is what is hurting.

But, I believe in you, I believe in the you that is hurting to heal yourself. You are the medicine for your pains, and God is the doctor giving it to you. Even when you feel all alone, you have at least one person thinking of you, and you have one God who loves you more than anyone can.  You just have to learn to love yourself. It is like we are all starving for love and affection ,when we feel all alone. I am starving for it, I am so hungry my heart hurts for it. Does that mean I will continue to starve? No it doesn’t feed yourself with God’s love, and love yourself when nobody else does. Your life is not meaningless, you are worthy of living! You are worthy of going forward and reaching your dreams.

I have been in that dark place where you feel so unworthy of living, but my dear friend you are worthy of life and you are worthy of happiness, and most of all you are worthy of love. So pick yourself up, and make a choice to go forward. To become the captain of your ship, and no matter how deep the waters are or how high the currents are you will NOT fall apart. You will not lose the battle, you will come out victorious. I know there are days of difficulty, but it will only make you stronger. You are growing your roots so that you can stand tall when you bloom. So don’t give up, and I won’t give up as well. God did not create you for anything less that goodness and happiness in our life.

In your darkest moment his light will shine its brightest upon you. When you feel down remember my words, and remember God’s words. God is your greatest friend, healer, father, and lover. He loves you more than your love does, more than your parents do. He is the ultimate giver of love. So please don’t hurt anymore; get past the tears and sit down and really think about what you want for your life. Your happiness is yours to make, so give great thought to it.

You are never alone even when you feel lonely, there will always be someone by your side. The days seem hard, but the reward will make up for it. I know your tired, just as I am. But we must not fall into such a state, we must find the energy to keep going. I could not have written this a week ago, but today I am fighting back my demons. I am battling for my dreams and my happiness. I hope you will all do the same. You can do it, I know you can, because we are one in the same. I can do it, and once you say that to yourself keep saying it till you believe it.

I know it is scary, and that you are afraid. But don’t let that fear cage you into your present situation. Move past it; you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone you know, go to a pastor, and most of all don’t be afraid to tell God your troubles. Sometimes I will sit out on the balcony and close my eyes and tell my sorrows to God. I know in my heart that he hears me and will give me comfort. Please don’t let yourself drown in your sadness when all you have to do it take that first step to learn how to swim past it.

I will be working hard as well ,and I hope that we all find our little patch of happiness. May God bless your path ad guide your steps. May he lead you in the direction of your dreams, and grant you the strength and the wisdom to achieve it. May he grant you the confidence and always be your lantern in the darkness. I pray this prayer for you and for myself. With love and prayers going your way please don’t be sad anymore.

Keep going, and remember you are the Captain of your ship, and God will always be your navigator. I hope this was able to help those who are struggling realize you are not alone. I am one of you, I am with you, and I am taking my first step so please take yours. When you feel like it is too much lay your burdens with God. Don’t carry weights you do not need to. God is your strength when you are weak. He is your friend when you need one the most. He is here for you if you let him, and he will bring people to help you along the way. So when you are down just get on your knees or lay down and let God take over. Let him be the navigator and you will never get lost.

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~ by tsunamiblues on September 14, 2007.

2 Responses to “My Life so far…”

  1. Absolutely good. I love it…… But sometimes it make m efeel that god is not here. he is not listening to me.

  2. He is here, He is there, He is everywhere. Receive Him, and He will show Himself in many different ways and forms.

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