Frustrating Tuesday

I just have to let it all out because my mind is all a flutter and I feel like my whole body is trembling with stress. People take drugs for it and for me writing is my healer. Why is it that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into the things that I do it is never good enough?

I’m never good enough, what I do is never good enough, how hard I try never seems to be enough. It just never seems to be enough and I am really frustrated today. No matter how much I organize things and try to get it done, more and more crap keeps coming up. I want to scream in frustration and defiance but that only seems to make things worse. I am really trying, I am really really really trying but I don’t know how much more I can put out when it seems to just keep sucking me in.

I stayed up last night getting homework done…got a few hours of sleep which is the equivalent of 4, and woke up to do more homework. The day seemed to be going fine till I got to my business communications class. Being a poet and a business student don’t seem to mesh well because I have always been against standardized forms of writing. But I know I will have to conform to them in the business world.

Everyone has their own style and their own way of word expression, to say we all need to do it the same and for someone to think they have the right to say which one is right and which one is wrong just bugs the crap out of me. I mean the person judging you has their own style that they like and therefore cannot be a freaking objective reader.

Okay that may not seem like a big deal but it is so frustrating to be judged as to the context of my writing, when I may not like the way someone else does it. Writing is so versatile and complex that having to do it one way makes is ridiculous in my eyes.

No matter how hard I try I feel like I am a failure. I don’t feel strong enough, smart enough, capable enough to be at the same level as my peers. I feel like everyone is leaving me behind and going ahead. I feel like I am defective or obsolete compared to others. It is like I have a little devil on my shoulder telling me that I can’t do it Then when thing go the wrong way it only seems to emphasis my lacking in skills.

I keep thinking about whether I am going to be successful or not, but I know success means different things to different people. I need to be successful because so many people are counting on me and I need to support them. It isn’t just all about me, no there are people waiting to see my rise and all I can think about is falling.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to stop breathing. It feels like I am suffocating and my breath comes slower and slower and I just keep falling and sinking towards an endless end. My heart starts beating faster and I have to take deeper breaths…I feel like I am going crazy from the inside out.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be free like a bird soaring into the sky? I feel like a foreigner in my own skin. I feel like I don’t even know who I am? I feel like I am just this empty shell that things are put in but that is all. I feel like crying, I want to cry so much just for a little while. But it is like the tears are trapped inside of me and I can’t get them out. I don’t know how long it has been since I have cried my heart out.

No matter how much I try it always feels unreal and fake. My heart is bleeding and no one sees it or feels it but me. I want to give up, I really just want to call it quits. I feel like I am stuck in this never ending moment where I just keep falling and keep hurting. Everyday I have to hide it inside and go out and smile and laugh even when I don’t feel like it. I’m just another person, why should I matter? I just want to crawl into the smallest ball ever and stay like that. In my own little world where I don’t have to hurt, I don’t have to feel scared, and I don’t ever fail.

I am really pathetic….huh? It seems like I just can’t find a way to really get back up. It is like my confidence has been taken from me and all that is left is insecurity. Will I look back at this moment in time with understanding that this is just a moment and doesn’t last? Or will I look back and see that this moment in time defined everything else? I am really lost as to what I need to do to really move forward. I wish someone could give me some answers since it seems like I don’t have any.

How can I pick myself up after falling? How can I stay up and keep moving forward. God, I wish someone could share my burdens and help me along the way. I wish I could show someone my heart and have them tend to it. I don’t know how to explain how frustrated I am with my life right now, even more so I am frustrated with myself. I don’t think I like myself at this moment. I find no solace or peace in being me. I just want to feel happy and to feel strong. I want to be at peace with my existence and myself. But it seems like as each day passes by I am only filled with more disappointments. Is it because I expect too much from myself?

I will admit that I have high expectations for myself and feel like I complete failure when I don’t succeed as well I would have liked. Like the fact that I am not a genius or super smart kills me. I want to be an amazing individual but I feel like I am not even close to being that. I want people to see me as a capable person who has things going for her. I want to believe in myself but I feel like I am not worth believing in.

It seems like I have a lot of issues that I need to resolve, but I don’t even know where to start.

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~ by tsunamiblues on September 4, 2007.

One Response to “Frustrating Tuesday”

  1. Your time will come. Be strong, learn as much as you can, and use it for good things. Don’t judge yourself on how others see you. Real heroes in history were disliked and even hated, by most – at first.

    “But I know I will have to conform to them in the business world.”
    This is the difficult part. Never ever hand over your freedom to others. Work for them if you have to survive, you don’t need to become them.

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