Ramblings on a Thursday morning…

As usual there are a lot of things going on through my mind and a lot of things that remain uncertain to me. Where do I start?

I am back at my university and classes begin next Monday, I have a lot of homework I have to do even before classes start, and have two quizzes on the first day of classes. This is my third year of college, and I am feeling a little lost, a bit overwhelmed, and in all honesty I am worried about what this year will bring or not bring. I am worried if I will succeed or if I will fail. I am worried about the people I will interact with and the places I will go to. I am worried about how I will face my future, because it is not something that I know of I am afraid of how things will turn out.

This blog is the only way I can let the honesty of my feelings flow, I haven’t told anyone close to me how I am feeling for many reasons. I don’t want to worry them, and I don’t want to place myself in their hands, even though they are my friends and my family I just for some reason can’t let them know my inner struggles. Maybe it is pride, but most likely it is because I have always depended on myself to get through those struggles. I have learned that trusting people too much and letting them in leads to betrayal and disappointments. That is why I don’t let them see too much of me, because it would make me vulnerable.

Sometimes though I ache to tell someone how I am feeling, to tell someone my fears , my dreams, my struggles, my everythings. But sadly there is no one to listen to me. Even my family is so caught up in their own things that I don’t bother to tell then anything. I just feel like as much as I need someone to listen, that person(s) won’t listen completely. I need someone to just listen to me, not just to hear me, but to really listen to what is coming out of my mouth. To listen to the silence in between those words.

The other day I was thinking that I am more shy than people realize. I seem outgoing and for the most part I am, but there are those flickering moments when I can barely speak or I am filled with nervous energy and tension. I feel like there is this wall around me, and even though there is a door for people to come in, they stand on the outside looking in, but not really interacting with me.

I keep asking myself what it is that I am looking for, what is it that I need and want? What is it that will help me to feel more complete? What is it that will calm my fears and ease my worries? I don’t really know what it is, but I think I need to hear someone verbalize my importance, my ability, the meaning of my existence. I need to feel from the bottom of my heart that there is at least one person who believes in me, will stand next to me, will stand up for me, will encourage me through my triumphs and failures. I need someone by my side to talk to me and for me to be able to be completely free with. Someone I can tell my everythings to, from the meaningless to the meaningful things. Just someone I can share my burdens with. I need someone to just hold me while I vent out my frustrations. Someone who knows how to hold me and encourage me. I need someone who sees the invisible me that no one else sees. I need someone that I can be completely honest to and with. I need someone who really,really, really sees me.

I feel so invisible a lot of the time. People see me but don’t really SEE me for everything I am. They don’t see my sufferings and my circumstances. Is it too selfish of me to ask for that? I need someone who gets the me that no one else gets, someone who understands my unspoken words. I need someone who knows me inside and out. I need someone who can be this kind of friend to me. I need someone who I can let in, let in and who comes through that wall, and just is there for me. Someone who makes me feel less alone.

I wish that I was more carefree, less of a worrier, and someone with more confidence. If wishes came true I wish for the strength to keep going forward and I wish that God would help me to find my place and for someone to stand next to me through it all.

I keep thinking that maybe I am not the only one who is struggling to figure out where I fit in, and where I belong. I just want my little patch of happiness in this world…

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~ by tsunamiblues on August 16, 2007.

2 Responses to “Ramblings on a Thursday morning…”

  1. Lovinng Itt

    Beautifull

  2. Hope u find ur soulmate..

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