Finding the courage…

to pursue your life, dreams, and press forward.

There was a time when I had the courage to keep moving forward no matter what obstacles came my way. There was a time when I didn’t question my self-worth, or my ability to achieve my dreams. There was a time when I had that faith and courage to go after what I wanted. There was a time when I was not filled with uncertainty or self-doubt. There was a time…but that time has been lost to me now.

I don’t understand what happened to me, to make me feel so inadequate and unable to find that inner courage to just do it, and not be bothered if someone is better than me, smarter than me, or more capable. I think it started last year when I started my sophomore year. Everything started off well, but as the year went by something changed inside of me, and it was like I became lost within myself. I cannot seem to get past this wall of doubt and insecurity in my heart. I have lost my courage to dream, my will to strive for the things I want.

I don’t understand why I am unable to find it again, and I am scared to stay like this. Scared of my dreams, scared I won’t be able to achieve my goals. I’m just scared to try when I don’t even know the outcome.

Let me try and describe this lack of courage I feel. Everyday when I think about the future or think about everything I have to do the next two years of college I am filled with this paralyzing fear. It is like my heart is going to stop beating, and my mind just keeps thinking about all the negative aspects. All I can think about is that I will fail, or that someone will overshadow me. I feel overwhelmed by it, and it puts me into a state of anxious fear. It is like I don’t believe in myself anymore. It is like I don’t believe in my dreams anymore, or in my ability to achieve them.

It is like I am scared to be myself, to just be the me that I am. I’m scared people won’t see me, and if they see me it won’t really be me. I’m scared of being nothing, of being nobody to everyone. I feel like I am slowly disappearing inside of myself and even when I try to hold on to the pieces they scatter away. I am not sure what it is that makes me so uncertain, and I pray that God will show me my path. I feel like my path is unclear to me. I have always been a planner, and I feel like I don’t know where my heart is going or in what direction I should follow. I feel like I am going backwards when I should be going forwards in life.

Is it courage that I need? Is it faith in myself and in the faithfulness of God? I have so many questions and no answers seem to come to me. I am trying to put up a brave face, but inside I feel myself crumbling more and more each day. How can I find what I have lost. It is almost like I have lost myself within the obstacles. There is no one I can be this honest with in my world, because I don’t want them to worry about me. Isn’t it funny that I can find comfort among strangers than to seek it from my family and my friends.

I wish someone would just take me in there arms and hold me until I feel like it will be okay. For them to just let me feel safe in their arms, and that I can do it. People tell me I am courageous, but I don’t feel it and more so I don’t see it within myself. What is it I am seeking? Maybe the feeling that no matter what comes my way I can make it through another day. That feeling that I can get up and continue even if I fail. That feeling that I can fail and still triumph through that failure. I have always been weary of failure, it is something I have a phobia of. I don’t want to ever fail, and I know that it is impossible to never fail. But I am so scared to fail, because I am scared I won’t be able to get back up again.

I am fearful of people judging me because of it, and making me feel like a lesser human. I used to not care what others think of me, but as I get older I am more sensitive to them. I miss those days of peacefulness in my soul. Maybe it was an illusion of youth, but I felt so much more capable of achieving my dreams. Sometimes I wonder why God gave us the ability to dream knowing that sometimes they won’t come true. I guess you could say I am scared of dreaming a fruitless dream. Of having faith in something that won’t come true.

God help me! I don’t know how to calm my mind and ease my heart from this demon of fear. What am I missing? Is it myself that I have to find again? Why can’t I be more free in mind and more laid back? Why is it that I am always chained with worry? I am going to drive myself crazy one of these days. Another school year is starting August 20th, and instead of being filled with excitement I am filled with fear of what I will be up against. I really….really am my worse foe.


~ by tsunamiblues on August 3, 2007.

4 Responses to “Finding the courage…”

  1. it’s like reading my thoughts..

  2. I have been through this before. It was an extremely painful experience. I kept trying to tell myself that in the end I will emerge a stronger person, but this idea was also a part of all the confusion I was trying to wrestle with and I began to believe in that person less and less…things started falling apart inside and I thought I was going to go insane trying to put together the outside and the inside in a meaningful picture that would reveal myself to me.

    Then it came, so suddenly and so quietly, picked me up out of my sorrow and hurled me out into the endless sky far beyond. It showered me with a happiness and comfort that I previously doubted could possibly exist in such a sad and confusing world. Though so belated, it came and I am filled with gratitude. I just wish I could roll this feeling into a ball and hand it to you so you can be free of your misery. This certain it is something I know nothing of ,but it came and saved my life and I am confident that it will make it to you in time, so just keep hanging in there and you’ll see.

  3. I wish I could write as clearly,insightful, and sincerely as you. I guess you have a distant admirer.

    p.s. I wish I could be there to hold you as you cry, but I bet you will be able to come out shining in the end of this bumpy road.

    with loads and loads of love,
    a friend

  4. Thanks for your words of encouragement, I am holding on to that hope that I will find what it is that kept me going in the past and use it even more and better as I head towards the future.

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