My heart’s wish is……????

For the past couple of days I have as usual been thinking way too much, and my head has been hurting lately. So I’m hoping once I write this out, I can let it go, and just breathe again.

In your heart do you have a wish? A wish for your future, dreams, love? Is there something or someone you want more than anything else in this world? The question is what is your heart’s wish, the answer is something we all have to discover. If your fortunate enough to find it within your lifetime, God has been merciful to you, and if you haven’t maybe God is being merciful to you in another way. The question I keep asking myself is not what is my heart’s wish, but if the wish that lays in my heart is the one for me?

You see we all think that we know what is best for us, what we need to be complete, and what is of value to our existence. But being the pessimist I am, I doubt my heart, and whether it is capable of knowing what is best for it. Maybe that is my mind talking instead, but hearts are fickle things. Hearts can be manipulated and misused more than the mind, and even when I want to think with my heart, my mind comes out the victor.

I drive myself crazy, sometimes I wonder how a person like me can exist. How can one think as much as I do, worry as much as I do, and give oneself no room to breathe. How I wish I could shut my mind off, and just rest. Res until I feel reenergized, but no matter what there is something always going on up there, and it won’t stop. When I think of what my heart’s wish is, it is of course more than one thing. Does that make my heart greedy to want more than one wish? Some might say yes, but I will say no, because why should wishes have limitations? A wish is a risk you take, sometimes it may come to pass , and other times not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep wishing, and keep believing in the worthiness of those wishes.

If someone where to ask me what my heart’s wish is, it would be to find happiness in all things, find and keep my inner peace, and to not just fall in love but to stay loving each other deeper and deeper as God grants us time together. Do these wishes seem simple? Sometimes the most simple things end up being the most complicated things. I’ll take one wish at a time and explain them. My first wish is to find happiness in all things. What I mean is that instead of seeing the negative, I’ll see the positive. Instead of being pessimistic I’ll be optimistic. Instead of frowning, I’ll smile. Instead of tears there will be laughter. Instead of sadness I’ll find happiness. I want to wake up in the morning and feel good that today is another day to start over, and end it right. I want to not be so easily shaken by things. I want to be less stresses, and more laid back. I want to see the good things when others only see the bad.

There is a quote that if you spend your whole life looking for happiness, you’ll never find it. There is also a quote about happiness being a choice. It is not that I am searching for what happiness is, it is that I want to figure out how to have my own happiness. Yes, happiness is a choice, but I have made the choice to be happy, but it slips from my grasp. I know that we as human beings cannot always change how we are. We are born, grow up ,and yet we are still the baby, we still carry those characteristics that we will have till we bid our farewells to this world.

All I want is to worry less, stress less, and just be able to go with the flow, yet I cannot do that. I for some reason am my own obstacle. Can a person really change their fate? Can I gain what it is I lack now? Reality has taught me to be logical, and it as made me see the foolishness of some dreams, but I don’t want to lose them all to this world. I want to believe that dreams come true, as long as you hold on to them ,and nourish them with faith and hope. I think the reason I fear death, is not the dying part, but the not existing part. The dying before really living part, but then again I don’t really know what it mean to live? Since everyone has their own definition for that, I need to find my own. Happiness for me is something I haven’t discovered. I would say at this point in my life I am content and not happy. I have not discovered within myself the happiness we all deserve.

Since I could remember I have longed and strived to find inner peace within myself. To me inner peace is a state of being where I would be able to just exist without being so affected by things. A state where I would be happy with who I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going, and the people going in the same direction as me. I am wary of the future, since it is so uncertain. The present is full of worries and hardships that make me wake up wondering what today will bring in terms of obstacles. Maybe it is a lack of faith in my ability and capability that makes me unable to secure this state. I doubt myself enough. Thinking I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough. Basically that overall I’m not good enough. I know that is something I need to work on. I may not be the best but I am not without my own qualifications.

My third wish is a very important one, I think I can only gain this after the first two. I want to believe that love can last, that it can grow and it can stay. I want to believe that all men are not like my father, and that all women do not share the fate of my mother. I want to believe with all my heart, that when I give all of myself to someone they’ll treasure me. I want to believe that this person standing beside me now is here for good, that he won’t be misled from my side. I want guarantees and  promises unbroken. I hope that one day after I have learned to love myself truly and unconditionally. To cherish my good and my bad, and to live with humble peace. That God will grant me this wish, that when I go to sleep and wake up ,he will still be there till he leaves this world. I hope that Gog grants me a lifetime to love him, and to grow old with him, and laugh together ,eat together, have children, and just be no longer two but one.

When I look into my heart, those are the wishes that lay inside. Now you look into your own heart and think about your wish. I am taking steps to help my wishes along so they can come through. Don’t let go of your heart’s wishes, treasure them, and believe in their promises.

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~ by tsunamiblues on July 5, 2007.

One Response to “My heart’s wish is……????”

  1. Your wishes are what most wish for….and the key to finding these is within ourselves. The only way i have learnt after many a fall is acceptance. Acceptance of my own self and acceptance of all around. And the most important ingredient to achieve this is to SMILE…no matter what, just smile in good times and bad ( especially the bad) Try it, i guarantee it will change your perception of everythin within you and outside.
    Take care…….

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