To like or not to like….

that is perhaps one of the most difficult questions I ask myself sometimes.

I find it so peaceful to write when the sum goes down. Is it because the darkness cloaks me in its shadows? Is it because I feel less confined to pretenses? Whatever the reason, I feel liberated. To me a person starts to have affections towards another when they start questioning whether they like a person or not. I mean, why would you question something that isn’t there? I find myself doing that sometimes, more often than not. Questioning if I really feel for them, or am I caught up in a moment, or is it that I just want to like someone, that my emotions get the best of me?

So many questions, and hardly any answers, that seems to be something I do a lot too. I seem to be the girl that when she likes someone, she wants to be far from them. Like not talk to them, and have no close contact. I’m the type of girl, who is more aloof towards people she likes, and more sarcastic. I guess you could say I give them a harder time. It is frustrating wanting to get to know someone, and yet you are the one putting up barriers that does everything but allow you to know each other.

I also noticed that when I like a guy I go out of my way for them, like finding out something for them, or just being more helpful towards them. I had a bit of that today. I am a body of conflicting processes, pulling me every which way. Sometimes I feel like I get lost in my own mind, if that is even possible.

I used to like this guy, I liked him for six years of my life, maybe it was infatuation, but there was something about him that made him special in my eyes. His shyness, his presence made me mute, and I mean literally. I am a outgoing, speak my mind kind of gal, but this guy made me and still makes me shy and standoffish. I stopped liking him, at least I try and tell myself that when I found out he had a girlfriend. I told myself to stop wasting my time, when he barely know I exist. But one winter day I saw him again, the butterflies started, the muteness started, the feelings of wanting to what people don’t see about him started. I saw him again today, thank goodness it isn’t all the time, or I might just need a heart transplant. I can barely mumble a hello, or look into his eyes. I can’t be in the same room as him.

It is moments like that, that make me wish I had the power to read minds, I want so much to know him, but I just feel like he wants nothing to do with me. Like I am not good enough for him. Like I’m the kind of girl he would never want. The thing is I don’t know this, maybe he is just like me and wants to say something he feels he can’t. The thing is I am not ready and maybe not willing to take a risk, to take a chance and say what might be in my heart. I am not sure of my heart, and therefore how can I open it to someone else?

You know how you like a guy, that is or seems to be unobtainable? Well, this guy is that guy for me, one day I hope I can be myself around him, and be the me that I am to everyone else. There is another guy, who is a few years older than me. I started to notice him several months ago, and more than just a guy who is like an older brother. Or a family friends son, now I see him as a young man, I feel a bit nervous around him. But I am still me, I just am more aloof. I frustrate myself, because I know that all these barriers I put up, can be taken down. But for me they are my shields, they cover my heart in armor, and spare me from the pain of giving someone a piece of you. How can a girl who longs for love, yet is scared of being loved and loving some ever find love?

How can a girl who dreams of the beauty of love, not see it in herself? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let fear stop me from moving forward? Maybe because it is easier to stay as I am, and where I am than to take a chance. They give people new hearts when they are ill, but what about broken hearts? I only have one heart, and I would like to leave it as intake as possible. I’m such a coward, but even cowards have their saving grace. One day, I hope I can love with all of me, live with all of me, and just throw myself into the fire, and let it warm me.

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~ by tsunamiblues on June 21, 2007.

9 Responses to “To like or not to like….”

  1. If I may share some of my insight, after reading some of your posts you seem like quite the romantic. I am guilty myself of falling for girls and falling hard.

    It seems like based on your writings though, that you just haven’t found that person that will make you want to throw yourself into the fire.

    Our bodies and our subconscience are very powerful, and you probably were reserved around this guy, because you either doubted how into him you actually are, or you doubted a positive reaction from him.

    I say when that doubt is gone you will have found the right guy. Maybe it is sexist, or old-fashioned, but I personally believe that no guy sits idle if he feels he is meant to be with a girl, and I am sure for an intelligent young lady like yourself you will cross paths with such a guy that will pursue you with great passion because he knows how great you really are for him.

    From my personal experience, I’ve noticed that I’ve wanted to tell myself I was crazy about certain girls because I was in love with the idea of finally being in true love, but it never came naturally it was more forced, and that’s why it always faltered :).

    Anyway I am sorry if I offended you, it is all just my often-skewed point of view, and I know my writing isn’t nearly as good as yours so I am sorry if I come off simple-minded (I really am not I promise!)

    Keep on fightin that fight to find true love, it’s really fascinating how completely honest you are in your posts.

  2. It is nice to get insight from a guy’s perspective, I think I am reserved because I don’t expect a positive reaction. But I was not at all offended by your words, honesty is the best policy. I believe that the idea of love sometimes makes people forget the reality of true love, that is why I keep waiting, no matter how dim that flame may get, I’ll hold onto my belief that in this vast world, there is a man mad just to hold my hand, and no others.

  3. :) Weeeeeeeee I guess you are a night owl too haha.

  4. I find the night to be peaceful and serene.

  5. I must say I agree, there is less going on most nights and I can have some true alone time to ponder my many thoughts. It’s funny for me personally because I find that at nights I think as clearly and rational as possible, but come daytime everything I thought about goes out the window. I have some really amazing revelations sometimes and then I forget them :(.

  6. Lol, I think better at night too, for some reason it gives me a sense of calm.

  7. I’m still feelin pretty emo, and out of romantic movies to download. You got any ideas? So far I think my faves have been My Sassy Girl, The Notebook, The Family Man, and the japanese movie Love Letter.

    I think my least favorite has been Pearl Harbor, I have know I dea why one of my friends suggested that to me, what a horrible story lol. Guy and Girl fall for each other, Guy thought dead so Girl moves on to Guy’s best friend, Girl gets pregnant and Guy #1 comes back, Girl chooses Guy’s best friend over Guy, Guy’s best friend dies, Guy #1 ends up with Girl by default. I donno why but I just found that to be such a gross romance story.

    I should stop crampin your style though and maybe start up one of my own blogs haha.

  8. Lol, Pearl Harbor pissed me off when I watched it for the exact reasons you mentioned, you are not cramping my style, comments are more than welcomed. If you create your own, that would be cool.

    I like Korean films, so what about Il Mare? I hear that is a good one

    I recently watched Fly High, and enjoyed it.
    The Classic- is a great Korean movie.

    I liked Lovely Complex which is a Japanese movie, it is cute, and has some subtle messages.

  9. I will have to check those movies out.

    I used to download japanese and korean movies like crazy, and tons of anime, but the anime plots seem to recycle and rarely does anything new catch my eye.

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