This Chapter in my life has come to an end…

My friend asked me to tell her the three best things that happened to me this year, and I could only think of one thing.

I could only think of the fact, that I have grown a lot this year. I have learned more about what it means to be me, what I like and what I dislike, what makes me happy, and what makes me sad, that was the only thing I could think of as the “best” thing that happened to me this year. I found that fact very sad, because three is such a small number but I could not think of the three best things that happened to me.

The reason is that this year has been more bad than good, more sad times than happy moments. More anxiety than relaxation. I honestly cannot say that this year has been that good of a year. For one thing I lost a friend this year, I lost a friend that I really cared about. I lost a friend that I knew for almost two years, and I don’t even really understand or know why we are not friends anymore. Even know I still think about it and feel sad that at the end of the day we both are going on our separate paths never to share even the briefest of journeys together. I have never lost a friend like this, so it will take me a while to get over it. But I don’t think I’ll get over it, and I feel that instead I need to learn from it, grow from it, and see it as a life lesson. That no matter how long your friendship is, no matter how much you’ve shared together, in an instant it can all disappear. So basically I will cherish the time we had, but I will not dwell on it, to the point of being sad or mad at her.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and not being friends is something that happened, and even though I might not know or understand why I’ll move on and keep living life. I’ll keep being me and keep going forward towards my future. I can think of way more negative things that happened this year, than positive. I find that to be a big part of my nature and human nature. We see the bad more than we see the good, we dwell over sadness more than we relish happiness. We live in a world of cynicism and pessimism, and I have a lot of that in me. Believe me I wish I could see all the good things, and be drunk on happiness, but that just isn’t the reality of me or the world I live in. I find that to be so depressingly sad, but I also realize that the truth can sometimes be harsh, and this is a very harsh truth.

I have been a complete mess of emotions this year, there is just so much, so much, so much, so much, so much inside of my heart, mind, and soul that is just there simmering beneath my I am fine surface and one day I’ll probably explode, but it is something I plan to deal with on my own. Because I have realized that people are, in no offense unreliable. Your family will let you down, your friends will let you down, your classmates will let you down, sometime it seems that God himself has let you down. the whole world has let you down right? Sometimes it feels like that, but even more so it feels as if I have let myself down. I have let myself become this sad little rag doll that just keeps on getting more and more ragged and sad. I am my own worse enemy, and I hurt myself even more so than anything someone does to me or what someone says to me.

I am not at all pleased with who I am right now, and I aim to change that. I know it is easier said than done, but I want to take steps, baby steps first, and as I get stronger and more in control I’ll start taking bigger steps until I reach that level where I am actually, honestly, and truthfully fine. Every day is a day to learn something new, to try something new, to do something new, to meet someone new, and to be someone new. I want to be stronger, and I want to be wiser ,and I want to find that inner peace that seems to always escape my grasp.

I want to be at peace, that is a state of mind, body, and soul that I long to achieve. I want to be able to go with the flow, to let things go, to think less and do more, to take risks, and follow through with my plans and dreams. I want to feel a sense of well-being, that no matter what happens I am going to get through it, I am going to be alright. I can do it, I can make it, and I will make it is what I want to run through my head. I long for this the way people long for love. I want this even more than I want to be in love. I want to be able to really stand on my own two feet and know in the deepest recesses of my mind that I will get through it, and I will rise above it.

One thing I feel will help me reach my inner peace is to get right with God again. I feel like my faith is slipping from my soul, and is making my susceptible to this tumult of emotions that have shredded me to pieces. I have lost that hope in God’s mercy and grace, not completely, but I think I have lost enough to make me feel as much pain as I do. I am realizing that I can only rely on God completely, God is the only one that will not let me down, will not betray me, will not desert me, will not misuse me, will not let go of my hand. God is the only pillar of strength I can lean on. He is the only being that I can show my weakest, most saddest, most depressed, most desperate, most everything to. God is the only one that can see my tears, hear my screams, feel my pain and still stand next to me.

God is the only one I can trust completely to hold me when I cannot rise on my own. I believe that in the deepest part of my soul that it is through God that all things are possible and that it is through God that I will find myself again. I want to take the summer to find myself again to find who I am. Because at this point, people can tell me who I am but I do not know who I am in my own heart. I have become lost, and I want to, I long to find my way again. To make my place among his table and to be by his side. God is the only arms I can rest my head on, and feel at peace. He is my savior and my salvation among the chaos that floods me, and the tsunamis of anxiety that overwhelm me.

So in short sophomore year was hell, it was a year of lost dreams, severed ties, and so much negative things that the positive things have been overshadowed. I have really lost myself this year, the people who know me don’t see that. No one sees it but me, because know one knows me but me, and even I don’t know myself well. The other day I asked if we can ever know a person completely, or do we only get glimpses? A friend said, we only get glimpses, and that we never even know ourselves completely. That made me very sad, but I think that I will try to understand and know myself well enough to be fine with only catching glimpses of another person. If I know who I am, I think that will be enough for me to live a good life.

I have decided to stop relying on anyone too much. I have decided to rely on my strength and God’s love to get through the hard times. I will no longer put that much trust, faith, hope, or expectations in another person. It is just really painful for me when I get disappointed, when I count on someone and they let me down it is like a never ending stream of daggers stabbing me over and over. So in oder to stop this agony I have decided to only let people in to a certain extent, to only rely on people to a certain extent, to only let myself be open to a certain extent. When I feel sad I will no longer share it with anyone, because sometimes they don’t get it more often than they do. Sometimes, my pain makes them feel bad, and then it becomes unbearable. When, I feel the weight of my world on my shoulders I’ll pray or cry alone. I will only let God see me at my worst and at my weakest.

Being alone is sad, but being alone when there are other people around you is unbearable. So that is why I will keep my feelings to myself, I’d rather be alone by myself than alone with others around me. I will try, I will really try to choose to be happy, because happiness is not just a emotion it is a choice. I will put my heart and soul into creating my own happiness, and in fulfilling my own dreams.

I won’t try to get closer to people who make no move to get closer to me. I will stop trying to question what it mens to be my friend, and just take them and out time together for what it is and who they are. I will try to just live, I find that my life is no being lived the way I think it should be. I am merely just existing, going through the motions, and I want to really live. I want to live for myself, and to find and create my own life. I want to be my own best lover and not my own worst enemy. I want to give myself what others deny me. I want to love myself the way others seem unable to love me. I want to be my best friend, my own admirer, my own everything. I want to have that connection that bond, and that peace with myself.

I will no longer try and let people see my heart, or hear my soul, or read my mind. It is closed off from the public, and kept privately under lock and key. I am realizing how precious my heart is, and how easily it gets damaged by others. I will be more strict with it, and more self-reliant. Is it wrong for me to be this way? Some might say yes, while others no. But all that matters is that I feel in order for me to be really okay again I need to do this for me and no one else.

I will no longer think that somewhere in the future there is someone waiting for me, and this person will save me, no I will save myself. I will keep myself above water, and I will make it onto shore with my own capabilities. I will be for myself what others can’t be. I will no longer put my hopes in the possibility of a lover, a soulmate, a kindred spirit. I will be those things for myself. I’ve lost that naive belief in happily ever afters, fairy tales, Prince Charmings, Happily Ever Afters, Always and Forever, and blah blah blah. I will not rely on any man, or woman or whatever and whoever. I will rely on my own self and make it through my own capabilities, my own wisdom. I will make it, I will do it, I can do it!!!!!!!

I will stop expecting someone to understand and get me, cause they won’t. So I will strive to get me, and to understand me, and to love me, and to be at peace with me, and to be everything with me. I will still be there for others when they need me and as much as I can, but I won’t expect the same in return. I won’t expect them to care more than they do, love more than they do, be there more than they are, go out of their way, or anything like that. I will just be all those things for myself. When I can’t take it, being everything for myself that is when I will call onto God and let him be what I can’t. No longer will I rely or trust or believe in another person’s place in my life. I jut can’t, I really just can’t put my faith and my hope, and my heart towards them.

I do not say this to hurt anyone who feels that they know me or love me, or whatever the feel towards me. I say this because as this chapter comes to an end and a new chapter starts. I want to start it right, I want to write my own story, and live my own life. I want to be happy, I want to stop feeling the way I feel. I want to just be free from this chains wrapped around me. This is how I will do it. But honestly, I do not think anyone who actually knows me will read this, and that is fine. I am learning that being alone might be my fate, so I have to make the best out of it, and do my best to be my own comfort. Que Sera Sera!!!!! Whatever will be, will be.

I have to take this first baby step and keep taking steps. So if you manged to read all of this, can you please give me some encouragement to go in the direction of my heart? I know that all I want is easier said than done, but I really want and really NEED to try. For others out there who are lost within themselves like me, best of luck finding yourself and being whole again!!!!!

AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!!!!!!

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 9, 2007.

2 Responses to “This Chapter in my life has come to an end…”

  1. while reading this I felt like crying cause this is exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time…I thought I was the only person with all these feelings inside, there is just so much inside like you said..that’s sometimes you don’t know what to do… reading this and seeing that youre really trying to find yourself makes me wanna try and do the same…I really need to, I just feel soo tired. and I was having stupid thoughts because in those bad times in our lives, some of us find ourselves doubting God, but I realized that Satan himself is the one who causes doubt, by tempting people in their minds to question God’s Word and I really hate feeling this way

    People are tempted to doubt the goodness of God because they think He is not handling the affairs of life effectively for them personally or internationally. They want to see God’s hand working, though yet not understanding His overall plan for mankind and each individual person, they have forgotten why He is Sovereign.

    Distrust in God involves failure to trust God’s promises, therefore placing trust in something else. God requires whole-heartedness and sincerity in worship of Him.

    “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

  2. I know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way, and when I wrote that I was at a point where I was completely fed up and miserable. Thank you for sharing that Bible verse with me, and I hope to take this summer to get closer to God and to find the me that I can and will be. I hope we can both find that happiness and that we can realize that if we have God and love ourselves we can be complete.

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