Ramblings of a Complicated Heart….

I have to let my thoughts out because I just need to write it down so I feel more at peace…

Do you ever feel that you are really, really, really different from the people around you? Your different from your friends, you family, the whole world. You feel like you stick out, and not in a good way, even if you fit in, you don’t really fit in. Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? Even when there is a place for you, do you just feel isolated from the world? As if there is this big wall separating you from everyone else. Leaving you alone to face it by yourself.

Well that is how I feel, I feel like I am sinking in this quicksand of no one understanding me, and I will eventually drown in it, to rot away all alone. I keep thinking that no one, and I mean absolutely no one really knows me, really gets me, really understands me, really sees me, really cares about me, no one is really there for me. I have my family and my friends but they don’t get it, they just don’t. I have no clue how to make them get it, I think it is impossible for me to make them, they either do or they don’t. There are so many things I want to say, so many tears I want to shed, so many screams I want to let out, there is just so much inside of me that I feel like I am just going to explode from it.

Why is it that there is not a single person I can trust, truly and completely trust? Why is there no one I can call at 4 in the morning and know they’ll pick up the phone? Why is there n o one I can open my heart to and not be afraid to have them see it? Why is there no one who sees me, cause I feel so invisible. I want to tell someone, I want someone who will just listen, someone who will just hear me out. I feel as if my voice is being lost with everyone else’s. I feel like no matter how hard I cry or how much I scream, no one will hear me. If they for some reason do, I feel like they’ll just keep going, keep leaving me behind.

Sometimes it is really hard feeling this alone, feeling this lost, feeling this empty. I feel so empty inside, I feel so unfulfilled and so desolate. I feel like I don’t really mean anything to anyone except for my family. I just feel so much, so much, so much, and it is unbearable to feel this much. When you hurt, I hurt more. When you cry, my tears are deeper. When you scream, mine are louder, when you in pain, I an writhering in it. My heart is tired and so is my mind. I don’t know what to do to be stronger, I don’t know what to do to stop feeling so much. I don’t know what to do to be less effected. I wish I was stronger, I wish I didn’t need others, I wish I could be that independent, but I’m not. I need to be loved, I need to feel appreciated, I need to know that my existence or lack of it matters to someone. I need to feel like a human being. I need to be wanted.

I feel like people take me for granted, like they just expect things from me, but when it comes to them doing the giving and not the taking. They tend to come up short, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to feel. Most of all I don’t know how to heal. I don’t know how to care less, or to feel less, or for these things not to matter to me. I keep thinking what does friendship mean? What does it mean to be someone’s friend? Does it mean you know everything about them? Or does it mean you are there for them no matter what the situation? Does it mean both? I feel like a lot of my friendships are just these superficial relationships that could be gone with the snap of a finger.

All I need is one person to see me, one person to listen to me, one person to let me know that my existence matters to them. All I need is one person to hold me, just hold me and let my loneliness float away. But everyday, is another day of that one person not being there. Every day is another day of being invisible to all people. I just feel exhausted, and just fed up. My mind is tired and my soul is weary, but most of all I feel like my heart is empty.

I feel like my life is empty and all I do is go through each day, as a routine. I feel so different and that makes the loneliness even more painful :(

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 8, 2007.

18 Responses to “Ramblings of a Complicated Heart….”

  1. how old are you, (if you dont mind me asking)
    li

  2. I’m 19

  3. I get everything that you are saying, it is like I typed this up myself.

  4. im feel the same way im only 17 and im tired of being here im just so sick about it. I wish i could do anything to stop feeling like this. i’d do anything!!

  5. I’d give anything to stop feeling this way as well, but I think time will be my best medicine!!

  6. It seems like we are not alone even though we feel alone because there are more of us that feel this way. That the words you wrote are ourselves talking. I’m 22 and have been feeling that way for many years now and have yet to find a solution. I’ve tried anti depressants along with many other solutions and nothing really helps. But after reading what you wrote I actually do feel a little better, because by other people feeling the same way I do, it makes me feel less alone. Kind of strange how saying that other people feeling alone makes me feel less alone, but its the truth. I’m not happy with the way the world is and how the majority of people are. Yet I live on day by day feeling empty and that there is no hope for my future. Although I have thought of suicide I could never bring myself to doing something like that, for my family’s sake. I wouldn’t want to cause them any pain. Maybe one day I will find someone who truly understands. This person would be able to cure of these feelings, and your post has given more hope of finding that person. So I thank you, and hope that one day you will be able to find peace and happiness.

  7. I hope that we all can find someone to understand us. That is, to me what will make me feel less alone. I feel that no one really gets me, I mean down to my soul kind of understanding. I don’t have that bond with anyone. But it makes me feel less like a freak to know I am not the only one who feels alone. I hope we all can find that inner peace to know we are not alone, that we have at least one person we can count on. One person who will see us through, and be there for us no matter what.

  8. Btw, if you ever need someone to talk to, someone who will really listen to your thoughts, feel free to IM me on AIM at locrian0721.

  9. Same here im me on blackisbeauty18

  10. I feel the same way, but you know what, God is with us and thats all we really need because he will always understand us, so really none of us is alone, you just have to do your own thing and maybe everything else will fall into place, if not, so what because you will always have the lord, he will never ever leave you nor forsake you,so let the pain go because you are special, you are somebody. Don’t let this world bring you down. Your one person, you have one life appreciate it no matter how hard it gets because basically, you have to have faith in yourself and realize that you don’t live for people and their needs, but you live for God and his needs,

  11. When I was reading this, it was like I was reading about myself. I’m 21, & I’ve felt like this much of my life. Ppl never seem to meet my expectations, realistic or otherwise. They are always coming to me for advice & never once does it cross their minds that maybe I need someone to talk to every once in a while. They expect me to always be there for them at the drop of a hat, & then the very rare few times I need them, they can’t be bothered. I’ve learned in the end you can only rely on yourself, & it’s all a state of mind. YOU have to be the one to get up in the morning & say ‘I’m going to get through this, & I’m going to have a good day. I CAN do this.’ It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it really is mind over matter. And more importantly, you have to learn to love yourself before you can expect love from anyone else. I want to feel loved just as much as the next person, but if I can’t learn to love myself, how will I ever be open to anyone else’s love? Ppl who are depressed or bipolar (like me. oh joy!) tend to feel things differently, much more intensely than others. No matter what anyone chooses, whether they decide to take meds or fight back on their own (like I do,) there will always be good days and bad days. Just always remember: for everything bad that happens, there is ALWAYS something good that happens too.

    I believe nobody is ever truly alone. We are all put on this Earth for a reason. We may not know what it is, but there is one. Everything we experience, everyone we meet, there’s a reason for it. In the end, each and every one of us is responsible for our own happiness.

  12. wow.

    thank you for posting this, i thought i was the only one in the world to feel this way.
    thank you.

  13. your not the only one!!!!!!

  14. I feel how you feel. I think… A few people in my family care very deeply about me, but NO one understands me absolutely. I have no close friends anymore. I feel my life is so desperately lacking in some indefinable intangible quality, and that without it I am bereft of contentment. I love the time and space to be myself, but I’m lonely. In some fundamental part of myself, I am utterly isolated. And I am often consumed by this insatiable well of self-loathing, abject revulsion, and hopeless inadaquacy.
    I’m not romantic. But I do wish that I had someone I shared a profound empathy with.

  15. Liz, you write beautifully!! I completely understand how YOU feel, I love how you put it as having a “profound empathy with” that is the kind of relationship I would like. A relationship where you are so in-tune with each other, your pain is their pain. Not that it has to be a romantic relationship, but a true and honest friendship would be nice. Sometimes I think I care more about our friendships than they do, and that makes me quite sad.

  16. Everyone wants to be loved. Don’t feel bad over that! (It shows you’re normal, in fact :D)

    I felt like that a few years ago, but after I finished high school, I figured that if anything was going to change, I had to be the one to make that happen… and last year I met a group of really awesome people, and it’s been a lot better.

    Occasionally I do feel abandoned and completely useless, but it passes. Have some chocolate, because things will look up!

  17. Thank you for your kind words, I am hoping once that I will meet more people and develop more friendships. It’s not that I want many friend I just want my true friends!!

  18. You figure out your true friends come with time, unfortunately. So it might take a while. But if you’re feeling badly just come and vent – we’ll be here. ^^

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