I have decided to stop

trying to explain my heart to other people.

Today, my sister called me, and I was trying to tell her what happened but she wasn’t paying attention to me. I cannot explain how tired I am of not being listened to. I got upset and the next thing you know I was crying. I was surprised by the flood of tears, but I couldn’t help it, and at that moment I felt like my heart was going to crumble. I knew it was more than my sister not listening to me, it was everything that I was feeling flowing through me. So I have decide to stop trying to let people know what is wrong with me. I will stop telling people when I am sad, when I am hurting, when I am mad, when the world is just too much weight on my shoulders. Not because I do not want them to know, but because the fact is they do not understand me. They do not take or have the time to listen to me, and it hurts more when I let it out only to get nothing back in return. I know that is probably not the healthy thing to do, to keep it all bottled inside of me, but honestly I feel that is what I must do. To preserve my soul, and to ease my heart I need to stop expecting people to understand me. I also do not want to worry anyone about how I am. My sister is sad now, and that makes me even more sad, so I just don’t want to have to deal with that. I don’t want to make her worry about me, or my mom worry about me, or anyone to worry about me. I do not want to put the effort in to let someone close to me because it is disappointing. I have lost that hope and that faith in my intercommunication with people. So when I am overwhelmed, when I am sad, when I am in pain I’ll keep it inside of me, or deal with it on my own. Maybe I’ll write a blog, or maybe I’ll cry, or maybe I’ll scream till the heavens hear me. But I will not try to let people in, I will not try to have someone listen to me. I am really, really, really, tired. I am emotionally drained, and the thing with my sister was like the last straw.

I realized at that moment that in this life it will always be hard to understand another person. Even when you are related, and have grown up together, there is still that distance between human beings. Do I sound too cold? Do I sound too harsh? Too cynical? Too lost? Well maybe I am, but you are not in my shoes so please don’t judge me when you haven’t taken the time to understand me. I realized that no matter how close you may get to another person, you never are close enough, and you are still all alone. I used to think that there was someone who’d complete me. Who’d heal the broken pieces of my heart. That there existed one person who would get me. Maybe I still believe in that, but right now, in this moment I feel that is a dream I have dreamed too long and right now it is shattered. Reality is a sad thing, because it makes dreams a fool’s toy, and right now I am done with that. I am honestly fed up, and just sick of it. Most of all I am sick of feeling this way, and being this way. So I am going to do what is best for me, I’m going to put a higher wall around myself so I hurt less, and I can stop crying over pointless, never changing disappointments. I know, I sound very……but as of now this is how my mind feels, my heart is too tired to feel.

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 8, 2007.

2 Responses to “I have decided to stop”

  1. Surrounded by people but always alone…
    In the noise, the last sigh…
    Under the sun, the shadow of a tree…

    In french, I could say more things to show you that your feeling isn’t, as far as I am concerned, a fantasy. It’s just one of the true reality of this world…

    The loneliness of feelings, soul, heart isn’t a tragedy. In each life, light and shadow are.

    Behind the wall, don’t forget the wind, the stars… people who believe in you… even if they don’t understand you in your integrality. Like your sister…

    Be brave and… aja aja fighting !

  2. Thanks, I am trying to keep moving forward!!!

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