Living in Fear

Ever since Monday afternoon when I found out about what had happened at Virginia Tech I have been living with this overwhelming fear.

I didn’t go there, I did not know any of the victims…but for some reason I just can’t separate myself from this. What happened there could happen at my college, and that is what scares me. It scared me so much that I feel paralyzed, I feel sick. I feel unbearably afraid to go anywhere. I keep thinking the person next to me is capable of anything and I don’t even know them. That no matter how much you think you know someone you never really know them. I keep crying every time I watch the news, read the articles, or hear about the victims.

My heart is filled with an overwhelming grief, for 33 lives that were taken, for 33 future, 33 dreams, 33 human beings, 33 mothers/fathers/brothers/sisters /cousins /nieces/nephews/daughters/sons/grandchildren and so on. For all the people who are grieving over this, for those who were injured and will never be  the same. I just keep thinking about if over and over and over…and I know in time it won’t be as painful…but I feel so overwhelmingly sad and scared that this could be me. My friends say not to live in fear, well easier said than done. When you see what man is capable of how can you not be scared. I want to do so many things and I know that they did to, and he took it all away from them. He took everything away from them, and I just feel heartbroken over it. i just cannot believe that this is the world we live in. I know that this happens all around the world, but you never realize anything until it hits close to home.

I cannot shake this fear from me, it is tied to me and every time I walk outside I keep thinking that today could be my last day. I keep thinking that my mom wouldn’t be able to handle it. I keep worrying about my brother and sister. I keep thinking today could be the last day I see my friends. I know I can’t think like this, but I’m scared. I’m scared someone is going to do the same thing. I don’ want to die like that, I don’t want to die before really living.

My heart hurts so much, my eyes cannot shed all the tears in my soul. Why, why , why, why, why, why, why, why,why do things like this happen? Why is our world so messed up? What is wrong with all all? Where did everything go wrong? I keep thinking that I have never been in love, I haven’t even kissed a boy yet, I haven’t finished school yet, I haven’ become a lawyer, I haven’t gotten married yet, I haven’t had kids, I haven’t changed someone’s life, I haven’t left my mark on the world, and it hurts me to know that someone could take that away from me. That someone took that away from them, and that everyday someone takes it away from someone else. Everyday someone takes away a dream, a life, a loved one, another human being, everyday someone gets the short end off the stick and ends up dying. Everyday someone finds out someone they love is dead. I feel overwhelmed with the weight of this worlds tragedies. You tell me not to live in fear, but I ask you how can I not? Now I have to go outside again, and pretend everything is okay, when everything is everything but okay…

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~ by tsunamiblues on April 21, 2007.

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