Hidden thoughts exposed

Do you have moments in your life when you feel worthless? In adequate? When you feel so disgusted with who you are, when you feel like you are so incapable. Do you have moments when you feel completely unmotivated, and just want to give up?

If you do your not the only one. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me these days but it is like I hate myself. I hate myself for not being who I want to be. I hate myself for not being smarter, wiser, better, more capable, more attractive. I hate myself for being such a worrier, and someone who wants to live but is afraid to live. Someone who is afraid to put herself out there when it really counts. Someone who doesn’t take the initiative when it matters. Someone who is trapped by her endless thoughts. I feel like I am just going through my life and not really living it.

I go to school, I hang out with my friends, I do fun things, but it is like it isn’t real. It is like something, something bug, and important is missing from my life. I cannot talk to anyone about this, so I only have this blog where strangers read the things I keep to myself. I am just really sick and tired of myself. I know it is weird to not love myself, but this is how I feel. I feel this deep sense of disappointment in myself, and sometimes it is so overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to scream and scream and………………………………, sometimes I just want to cry and cry and cry and cry………… and sometimes I just want to close my mind and just stop.

My mind is as tired as my body is. I smile and I laugh but I feel very empty at this moment in my life. I am a well that has run dry and cannot replenish itself. I don’t know what to do to get myself back up. All I can do is write, because it is my only outlet. I’m my own worst enemy, I’m my deepest fear. I just don’t know how to let go, I don’t know how to just let it go and believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how to not hold on. I don’t know how to stop feeling so much. I don’t know how to just be satisfied with myself. I hold so many expectations for myself, and it is killing me slowly from the inside out. I don’t know how to stop doing this to myself.

I’m just really tired and when I tried to explain to a friend that I didn’t like myself and that I felt very ugly inside. This friend just said how can I feel this way, that I’m a great person. How can I believe what I don’t even feel. I just cannot shut off my mind. How can I tell people I’m hurting, how can I tell them I’m sad. How can I tell them I want to cry and cry and cry and scream and scream and scream. But most of all I want someone to just hold, for someone to just hold me and let me say these things to them. For someone to get me, no one really gets me and it makes me feel so unbearably lonely. If you ever met me in real life, I am a very bubbly, klutzy, and outgoing girl. I’m the girl who seems to be so brave and has it together. No one seems to realize that I’m human and just like everyone else. I’m not as strong as you might think or want me to be. My soul is weak and I’m more sensitive than you could ever imagine. Words hurt me more than you could ever imagine. I play them over and over in my head and it hurts. I want to be loved just as much as anyone else. I don’t want to be always have it together.

I don’t want to always be strong, I want someone one to be there for me. I want someone to understand this misunderstood soul. There is so many things I want to say, so much that is hidden inside me. I don’t know how to stop the thoughts.. I don’t know how to just be at peace. In my life I have always longed to find inner peace, but it never comes to me. I am filled with storms raging forever in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul. I ask God to help me, to stop me from feeling this way. To please just make it stop, all I want it to be at peace with myself. I just cannot take feeling this way, and I am hurting. I am hurting so much more than the people around me see. They see my smiles, but not the tears. The laughter, but not the loneliness. I don’t know what to do. I just want to crawl into my bed and stop thinking. I just want to sleep and let it all go away. I just want someone to get me, for someone to see me. To really, really, really see me. For someone to not run away from me, and for someone to really understand and be there for me.

Most of all I want to be at peace with who I am and what I am trying to be. I want to stop being so hard on myself. But like most things in life it is easier said than done.


~ by tsunamiblues on April 21, 2007.

One Response to “Hidden thoughts exposed”

  1. Wow, i completely understand where youre coming from. probably more than any human should. Well i guess i cant say i understand, because im the same way, i hurt the same, cry the same and scream the same, but it still doesnt make sense to me. I cry just as you do, i feel what youre feeling because im living it as well. And when i cry, i cant stop, i dont even know why i cry. i guess its because there are tears there to cry. it sucks. after a while the highs in life just dont seem as high, and the lows seem to just grow lower, and no one seems to truly just get it. Hang in there.

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