I feel like crying rivers because I just bombed yet another Stats test, even after I stayed up the entire night studying for that freaking test. I have to get an A on the last test in order to get a B in the stupid class. I am so scared I’m going to end up with a C in the class. Why don’t I get this stuff?????? I feel really sick right now…I want to cry but I’m not going to let myself do that. Aigoo, my whole day is ruined…I have to go to work now and all I want to do is sleep and just not think. I feel like the biggest, stupidest, loser out there. I feel really sad now!!!:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

One thing about me is that I hate failing…I know who loves to fail…but for me it is like a stab in the heart when I cannot achieve something. It is not being about the best for me…but I just feel like I need to always do well, that I CAN NEVER NOT DO WELL. I HAVE to be successful not only for myself but for my family. My mom is a single parent with three kids including me and she works two jobs to support us. There are so many things I want to do for her in the future and failure is not one of them. I know she doesn’t expect me to be perfect but I want to be as close to perfection as I can be.

I want her to have what she can’t have now in the future. The only way I am going to be able to support her is to be successful. I want to be a corporate lawyer so I have lots of school ahead. Aigoo…I just want to do well in all things I put my mind to. Failure is not an option for me…and even when I tried so hard I still failed. I want to just quit but I know that I can’t quit and that if I give up now what would be the point of me having even starting. So for this brief time bear with my complaints.

I want to scream in frustration and cry for hours but I can’t because I am at work and I’m sure my boss would not appreciate me bringing personal crap to work. Second what will crying accomplish for me but seep me in more sadness. Right now this is all I can do let others read about how I’m feeling. If only I could be more laid back. In all honesty all I want at this moment is for someone to hold me and hug me tight and let me cry and be a baby for just a little while.

My mom is two hours away and I talked to her on the phone…and she of course says she loves me no matter what..and that she isn’t disappointed in me. But for some reason it makes me even more sad and disappointed in myself to hear those words from her. Yes, I know I am my own worst enemy…but right now I just want someone to be by my side and not say so much by not saying anything at all and just being there listening to me rant.

As of now it is just whoever is reading my blog…because there is no one I can let myself be that weak in front of. That is the saddest thing…even when I’m sad I control it…because telling people what’s wrong is harder than saying I’m fine…and I wonder if they even care. I know, why am I like this? But this is how I am…I’m a girl who wants to be great but lacks the deep faith to get there. I am my own worst enemy because for some reason I keep feeling like I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, capable enough….to accomplish my dreams. How can I believe in myself when I feel so crappy?

I’m an emotional person and one thing people don’t realize about me is that I am a very fragile and emotional person. I feel pain a lot deeper than your average person. Things effect me more than what you might think. Someone once said that to be great is to be misunderstood…well I’m misunderstood and it doesn’t make me feel great…it is actually quite tiring and painful. Especially when people judge me when they don’t even take the time to really know me. So yeah I’m sad and my tears are flowing down my soul and sinking into my heart. It’s as if this test has set off all the negative feelings I have…

~ by tsunamiblues on April 11, 2007.

2 Responses to “I hate STATISTICS”

  1. I feel like we have in common, maybe because you remind me of friends I was close to in school (years ago), and especially my brother when he was young. If I were one of your friends, I would want to know how you were feeling so I could be some kind of support–a shoulder to lean on, or even cry on–because I really think you deserve that.

    I read your words and know, you will succeed because you have the intensity. You will be great because you have the drive. But you may hurt yourself and the ones you love if you cannot accept the ultimately destructive nature of perfectionism. Your soul is something that stretches and grows out of desperate moments like the one you write about here. But like anything it will have its limits and become brittle if it is not allowed to relax and refresh. I hope you will find the strength and ask for that hand to hold, the arms to support you and the friend to accept the qualities about you, though you consider them weakness.

    One thing I learned when I went back for my graduate degree was the importance of admitting my own weaknesses, as they can turn out to be my greatest strengths. That is, once shared, a weakness is an opportunity to form a bond. A parent myself now, I consider the bonds of relationships more important than any degree or proof of accomplishment. Your loving description of your mom is proof you already know that. Perhaps it is too early in your adulthood to define yourself through your love for others, but it is obviously something you are capable of.

    For some reason when we are ready to face the world, to achieve our goals, we subject ourselves to the absolutism of academic culture. The world doesn’t always worked that way in my experience. Part of maturing is finding the sense of calm, perhaps to the extent it overwhelms you, so that one can take a breath and put judgment aside.

    Although you may not believe me now, I sense that the rigid standards by which you judge yourself will be your greatest obstacle to accepting others and allowing them to accept you. Forgive me, a stranger drawing harsh conclusions on a snapshot that resembles my old year book photo. I’m just some random Asian woman who was touched by your willingness to declare yourself.

  2. thank you so much for your words, they have given me something to think about. I am trying to stop trying to be perfect or to expect that from others, but like all things worth doing it is difficult.

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