A Bit Of Honesty 4
Deep down I feel like I have nothing special to offer anyone. Nothing that makes me unique, and I desperately want to feel unique. I want to feel like there is something in me that makes me irreplaceable, unforgettable. I want to feel like the world is better off with me in it, than with me gone. I want to know that there is something about me that stands out. We all have a light inside of us, and I just don’t feel like mine is bright enough. It barely shines. I want to shine brightly in this world, to leave traces of myself every where I go. I want to know that when I leave people will hold onto me. I want to know I’m valued, and that I’d be missed.
I want to be the person people want at their side. I want to feel like I’m needed. Like I’m not invisible to the people I want to be seen by. I feel like I’m the one always holding on when everyone else let’s go. They move on and forget, but I remember all of it. I want people to care as much as I do. I want to know that I’m not the only one. I want to feel less alone in this world. No matter what I do, I feel alone. I can be surrounded by people and feel so empty and hollow. I smile and laugh and function like everyone around me but inside I’m aching so badly. Inside there are worlds filled with chaos making a home in my body.
I just wish someone saw me, the real me. That they see what no one else does, the sadness in my eyes. I must be really good at pretending, or they must be really good at ignoring. Either way all the misery in me is invisible to them and visible to me. I wish someone would call me out on my lies and tell me that I can trust them. That they can handle the darkness in my mind. I try to speak but my voice betrays me and only silence exists. I cannot speak so therefore I write. I write in the hopes that the demons inside of me will find refuge in my words. I want people to notice me. I want to feel like I matter to them. I want to believe in the meaning my life has. I want to believe in me. I want people to care, to reach out, to show me that I can trust them. That I can let them in. That I don’t have to be afraid. That I can be myself with them.
I’m haunted by Loneliness. It is my constant companion throughout my days. It stays with me all the time, reminding me that Happiness will not be mine. How I hate Loneliness. How I wish it would disappear and leave me Peace. I’m tired of waking up lonely and falling asleep the same way. I have people who love me, but they have to. I have friends who love me, but I can’t let them all the way in. I have the love of these people and yet I am starving for connection. I feel constrained and chained, unable to find peace or joy that lasts. I don’t know how to rid myself of Loneliness. I don’t know how to not feel so alone in this world.
Like there isn’t another soul who understands the inner working of my own. Like I’ll spend the rest of my life waiting for things that will never be mine to have. Like there is no point in holding on when everyone else let’s go. Like no matter how hard I try I will never find people I can fully connect with. Like I’ll never be visible or matter to people the way I want to. Like I’ll always be accompanied by Loneliness no matter how much I long to live in Peace.
I’m tired, and I just wish I knew how to live the life I imagine. I wish I had the strength and fortitude to keep looking on the bright side. I wish I had the willpower to stay in happiness no matter what life brings my way. I wish I had the courage to just live as I want, and not be afraid to hurt, to fall, to be humiliated, to fail. I wish I wasn’t so afraid and anxious all the time. I wish I could ignite the flame inside of me and let my light shine as it was meant to. To not worry about the people in this world. To believe without a shadow of a doubt that I have meaning, that I matter, than there is beauty and talent in me.
I wish I didn’t feel like such a complete and utter failure. I wish I felt beautiful from the inside out. I wish I could just have faith in myself. I wish I was stronger, strong enough to let go and forget what was. I wish I believe in myself the way I should. I wish I didn’t care so much about what other people think or feel about me. I wish I didn’t let the world make me feel small and useless. I wish I didn’t treat myself like a nobody, a meaningless body of flesh.
I wish I more. I wish I was better. I wish I was at peace. I wish I was happy. I wish I knew what that means…