Why Am I…?
Always the one holding on when everyone else is letting go?
I have a lot of thoughts pressing against my skull today. I went to the doctor today and they want to do some more tests to make sure there is nothing else wrong with me. I felt kind of upset because in my head I thought this would be the last doctor visit I would have to make. But nope, they need to run more tests, they need to rule out other things, they need to… I feel like I am holding my breathe until I finally hear them say that I am going to be just fine. I am waiting for someone to tell me everything is going to be okay, I’m going to be okay, that there is nothing to worry about. I feel like my body is betraying me over and over again. I am just worried that they will find something, and this nightmare will never end. I don’t want to be sick…I want to be better.
As I was driving back home, I rolled the windows down, and let the warmth of the sun, and the cool breeze penetrate my solitude. It felt liberating and just nice. I had this urge to drive down to my University, which is two hours away and just be a part of that fabric. I miss college a lot! I miss the clarity I had, I miss the friendships, I miss the direction I had. I miss everything about it. Everyone is going in their own direction, and I’m still looking back, still holding on, but they have already let go. I don’t know if I should let go to, of them, of college, or everything I knew and just embrace the present. The present unfortunately isn’t that great. I feel tense and out of sync with everything. I feel sad, alone, and lost.
I feel like everything I knew was a lie. It’s been six months since I graduated from college and I feel like everyone has drifted away from me. I don’t know how to pull them back or if I should just let them go. I don’t want to be a bother, but at the same time I don’t want them to think I have left them behind. I’m at a crossroad in my life, and I just have no idea where to go. I just feel stretched and pulled and upset and lost and sad. It’s like something is missing, but I have no idea what it is or how to get it back. I don’t know how to open up to the people around me about how I’m feeling, because every time I try their own issues overshadow my own.
It’s like there is so much eating away my insides and I don’t know how to show them. I don’t know how to be visible. I am hurting a lot inside and I just want someone to notice, for someone to care, for someone to help me believe it is all going to be okay. That everything I am going through has an ending. That all my worries and fears are unnecessary. I want to believe in myself, this world, and this life. I want to believe that I am meant to do something wonderful, be someone wonderful, have a wonderful life. I think I just need someone to wake me up, to let me know I am doing just fine, that I matter, that it will all be okay. I really need to know that it will all be okay. There is so much fear inside of me, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to stop being afraid of this life. I want to just believe and trust in myself, my God, and this world.
I want to believe again. I need to believe again.