My Heartbeat

Hello all…first Happy 4th of July!! I hope your enjoying the day with family ,friends, and of course good food. As for me my family has never done any big celebration, but it is nice to have a day to relax since I don’t have to work today. I have a chance to write, listen to good music, and just be at peace.

Second, I would like to share a song with you called “Ready for Love” by a wonderful artist named India Arie.

Acceptance

Hello everyone! It has been a while since my last blog but I hope that life has been treating you well. Well lets get into my thoughts. From the title of the blog you already know what is on my mind. This idea of acceptance and the relevancy it has to my life and to yours hopefully.

So I am finishing up my third week of my internship and it is going delightfully well so far. I am learning a lot and being inspired and challenged by wonderful people. Today I took this test called the StrengthFinder and I have five signature themes of strength.

I am first a Restorer, second Futuristic, third a Learner, fourth an Achiever, and lastly a Belief. What does this all mean? Well a restorer is someone who fixed what is broken and brings it back to life. Futuristic are those people who are always thinking of what can be and all the possibilities intertwined with life. A learner is someone who enjoys the process of things and how it all works. An achiever is someone who is always wanting to do something meaningful and feel accomplished and Belief is someone who’s values give them their purpose in life.

Fighting the Darkness

It’s been a few weeks since my last entry and life is still mostly the same. Junior year is over, and I am back at home with some rowdy kids driving me bonkers. I start my internship on Monday and am a bit nervous about it but less so after having the intern dinner tonight.

Everyone seemed pretty down to earth, but you know what I feel like I don’t let myself really enjoy the time I spend with others because I am busy worrying about how they view me. There comes a point when you realize that you are your own worst enemy and if you continue on that path you will lead yourself toward endless misery. So at the point you have to make a decision, do you fight the darkness or do you let int consume you. It is not easy to fight something that surrounds you…but letting it consume you will surely lead to your doom.

Layered Feelings

I cried today, I haven’t cried in a while but I just got so overwhelmed and frustrated that the tears just fumbled out and I felt like I was going to stop breathing from everything that was racing inside of me. I sometimes wonder if I suffer from panic attacks, not as severe as some but for me when it happens it is due to me feeling a lack of control, dread, and fear and then I feel like I am suffocating and my breath gets shorter to the point I think I will pass out.

Usually, I can control myself from reaching that point but today I lost control and sunk into that miserable feeling of the world crashing down on me. It all started after I took my finance exam today, I could only miss 2.5 points on the exam to get an A, and I know I already missed 3 points and the professor said she wouldn’t curve the test. I left, and all I could think about was that test, my score, my final grade. I got overwhelmed and could not calm myself down. I was trying to let it go and wait till I see my final score, and I was doing okay until my sister called.

She asked me about it, and I didn’t really want to talk about it. I tried to explain to her the situation and in typical big sister fashion she just tried to feed me sympathetic lies of it will all be okay, don’t let it get to you, and whatever happens..happens. I could not get her to understand me, and all of a sudden I could feel the flow of tears rush through me, and at first it was just a few tears, but then I caved and cried so much I couldn’t even breathe.

I know, I know, I should not let a test make me so miserable, but can you try to put yourself in my shoes. If you were half a point away from an A, wouldn’t you want to cry your heart out knowing that you ended up with a B because your professor wouldn’t curve by half a point? I blame myself for not doing better, I blame myself for not being smarter, and I blame myself for not trying harder. I blame only myself for the situation I am in, but can you just try to understand me.

I feel like no one understands me but me. I try to explain myself to people and they only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. Do you know how frustrating it is to have a soul that needs to be freed but everyone is holding on to my chains. I feel contained in this life, this world, this body. I feel like I am suffocating and I am just so frustrated with myself the most.

Unraveling The Cobwebs In My Head

I hope you are being more productive than me….studying is not really happening. But that means I can write a blog and maybe if I let all of the thoughts out I’ll be able to concentrate! It might not all makes sense or flow together, but bear with me:

Where do I start? Classes are over and I have three finals next week that I am trying unfruitfully for the most part to prepare for. I have a lot of things on my mind today. You know those days that all of a sudden your thinking about everything. Your life, dreams, future, love, and etc. Well today all that stuff is in my head so let me tell you what I am thinking.

I am listening to music and thinking that I would die without my music. I feel like music expresses me more than anything else does. It’s like that song was made just for me to hear. Those lyrics were written with me as the muse. I know that isn’t really true but that tell you how much a great song it is, if it can impact you like that. I mean isn’t that what music is all about taking a song and telling a story in a way normal speaking wouldn’t be able to do.

I am thinking about the person that I am, and I think when it comes down to it I keep myself from enjoying my life because I cannot/will not let go and liberate myself. I am the guard as well as the prisoner, but instead of freeing myself I keep myself locked up from the world outside my window. My heart is heavy with regrets, and if there is one piece of advice you take from me it is that life is never a certainty and if you have the opportunity to go after what you want, to do what you want, to be who you want, then don’t let anyone including yourself hold you back.

Superchick: Courage

Currrently this song has been playing on repeat so I wanted to share it with you all

I like the song because it can explain a lot of what I am going through as I grow up and what others are going through. If you look at the lyrics the song is about someone with an eating disorder, but I think it can relate to all the things that we all go through. Whether it is depression, fear, failure, emotional/physical/mental/social issues.

You are never alone in this world, I know and believe that at least one person in this world is thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Daily Dose: Truly, Madly, Deeply

I am pretty sure most if not all of you have heard that song! This song is a classic to me, I can never get tired of it. Every time I listen it there is this resonating feeling in my heart, because who doesn’t want to love and be loved truly, madly. and most of all deeply.

Thoughts/Rambings on a Monday (4/28/08)

I have to say as much as I feel like I have grown and found more wisdom, the more I realize how much more growing and wising up I need to do. If you read my last entry I was feeling really sad about the test. I still feel a bit upset since I put all that effort into it, but I am realizing that one test, one class does not define me, and trying to be perfect is going to be the end of me.

Sure I want to be this amazing person, but who’s to say that there isn’t something amazing about me already? What exactly does it mean to be amazing? I am sure there are a broad range of definitions for it. All I know it that I want to be successful in school and in life, and I have to figure out what I mean by successful. Last night helped me grow up a bit, but it seems like all the lessons I learn I forget them when things start going down the drain. I am beginning to see how important it is for me to be around people that encourage, inspire, and get me because they make me see past the fog, and into the clear skies.

College Funk

So this morning everything was going okay, I went for a walk (I’m trying to exercise more), and I came back to my dorm room. The plan was to check my emails, make a grocery list, and get some errands done before coming back to do my homework.

Then I just had to go and check my exam score for a test, and you know what I got a 74% even though it was open book and open note I got the same stupid score as the first exam. I studied my butt off for this exam, and let me tell you his exams are tricky as hell. His powerpoint presentations are like over 100 slides cramped with MIS crap. I just want to curl into a ball and cry because I am probably going to end up with a fudging B in his class. Only the heavens can help me now. You have to have a 91% to have an A in his class, even if I get prefect on everything I will end up with an 88% in his class. If it comes down to that, I will grovel at his feet for an A.

Deliver Me

Before I begin to unravel my thoughts, let me share a song with you. It is called Deliver Me by Sarah Brightman and this is how it goes: